KeepinItReal
02-09-2013, 12:26 PM
Hey everyone,
I lived a relatively normal life up until my sophomore year of college, 2.5 years ago. I had minor anxieties and a small lack of self-confidence, but I was a really happy kid with a lot of close friends, girlfriend, academic and music talent, etc.
When I started my sophomore year, I started having daily, constant waves of anxiety, a few panic attacks, and depression because that feeling of fear never let up. I didn't know what it was, and because I was really scared of it, I probably made it worse by not believing that breathing exercises/meditation could help me and not believing I had anxiety. It was so scary and overwhelming, I didn't know what it was and I just wanted to escape.
Last year it wasn't super bad, because I was in a community and I felt safe. This year, I have good and bad days, but mostly bad. I feel like because this has gone on so long and because I've scared myself over so many things, and also because I've tried to remedy them with faulty solutions when I was anxious/scared, I'm in a hole and don't know how to get out. As a 22 year old, I feel like I'm losing the best years of my life, and I don't see a positive future at all.
I was perfectly fine 2.5 years ago. Do I have to go through this everyday? How do I get out? I'm becoming increasingly hopeless with this never seeming to let up, and the intense feelings of far when its on. I'm still lucky enough to have close friends and family. I see my friends are really happy and excited for the future, and I'm not. I try to pretend to be happy and healthy so they don't see that something's always wrong, but I just want to feel normal like I did my freshman year of college. I try to live a normal life and do what I found fun, but the anxieties, depression and fears keep weighing on me and prevent me from truly relaxing and enjoying myself.
It's gotten to the point where, sometimes, I don't know why people do the things they do, or what I'm interested in, or how they are happy. I'm just scared and I want to get out. I've also developed a fear that I won't be able to sleep sometimes, and this means (some nights) I've become an insomniac. I'm trying to learn deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation and mindfulness, but I find it hard to keep up with school work, therapy, working out, etc., while also trying to be myself and trying to feel normal. I get easily overwhelmed, which makes it all worse.
When it does break, I feel great, but I then get scared it'll just come back because I don't know how to control this cycle. This makes me feel like I'm losing control of my life, which makes me feel even more anxious and depressed.
I originally was most afraid of time passing and the thought of dying, because, I think it comes from a fear of growing up. I'm afraid of missing out on things, or not following my passion, and living unhappily for the rest of my life. However, my anxieties make it so when I try to think about what I'm passionate about, I often become overwhelmed and it makes me more anxious and depressed. I had a great childhood, and I often look back and wish I was still a kid so I don't have to keep going through this nightmare.
I know all of these anxieties are complete BS, and that people can live happy lives (even if they are finite and imperfect, and speckled with sadness), but I can't seem to stop them from getting to me so much so I can just finally feel normal and not having to use my logic brain to figure things out (which is much more difficult and stressing and unnatural).
Will it ever stop?
(Thank you so much for reading/responding, it means the world to me. I feel like crap right now, even though I'm with my best friends, but I'm just trying to hang in there and be brave. My one friend is trying to make me feel better, but even her hug isn't making this fear go away, and it makes me so upset.)
I lived a relatively normal life up until my sophomore year of college, 2.5 years ago. I had minor anxieties and a small lack of self-confidence, but I was a really happy kid with a lot of close friends, girlfriend, academic and music talent, etc.
When I started my sophomore year, I started having daily, constant waves of anxiety, a few panic attacks, and depression because that feeling of fear never let up. I didn't know what it was, and because I was really scared of it, I probably made it worse by not believing that breathing exercises/meditation could help me and not believing I had anxiety. It was so scary and overwhelming, I didn't know what it was and I just wanted to escape.
Last year it wasn't super bad, because I was in a community and I felt safe. This year, I have good and bad days, but mostly bad. I feel like because this has gone on so long and because I've scared myself over so many things, and also because I've tried to remedy them with faulty solutions when I was anxious/scared, I'm in a hole and don't know how to get out. As a 22 year old, I feel like I'm losing the best years of my life, and I don't see a positive future at all.
I was perfectly fine 2.5 years ago. Do I have to go through this everyday? How do I get out? I'm becoming increasingly hopeless with this never seeming to let up, and the intense feelings of far when its on. I'm still lucky enough to have close friends and family. I see my friends are really happy and excited for the future, and I'm not. I try to pretend to be happy and healthy so they don't see that something's always wrong, but I just want to feel normal like I did my freshman year of college. I try to live a normal life and do what I found fun, but the anxieties, depression and fears keep weighing on me and prevent me from truly relaxing and enjoying myself.
It's gotten to the point where, sometimes, I don't know why people do the things they do, or what I'm interested in, or how they are happy. I'm just scared and I want to get out. I've also developed a fear that I won't be able to sleep sometimes, and this means (some nights) I've become an insomniac. I'm trying to learn deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation and mindfulness, but I find it hard to keep up with school work, therapy, working out, etc., while also trying to be myself and trying to feel normal. I get easily overwhelmed, which makes it all worse.
When it does break, I feel great, but I then get scared it'll just come back because I don't know how to control this cycle. This makes me feel like I'm losing control of my life, which makes me feel even more anxious and depressed.
I originally was most afraid of time passing and the thought of dying, because, I think it comes from a fear of growing up. I'm afraid of missing out on things, or not following my passion, and living unhappily for the rest of my life. However, my anxieties make it so when I try to think about what I'm passionate about, I often become overwhelmed and it makes me more anxious and depressed. I had a great childhood, and I often look back and wish I was still a kid so I don't have to keep going through this nightmare.
I know all of these anxieties are complete BS, and that people can live happy lives (even if they are finite and imperfect, and speckled with sadness), but I can't seem to stop them from getting to me so much so I can just finally feel normal and not having to use my logic brain to figure things out (which is much more difficult and stressing and unnatural).
Will it ever stop?
(Thank you so much for reading/responding, it means the world to me. I feel like crap right now, even though I'm with my best friends, but I'm just trying to hang in there and be brave. My one friend is trying to make me feel better, but even her hug isn't making this fear go away, and it makes me so upset.)