Big4CPA
02-07-2013, 11:13 PM
Hello,
Short background on myself. I am new to this forum, and before I turn in for the night I am going to try to reply to a few posts to add my thoughts and experience. I want to be a contributor, not just someone who comes to ask for help.
I feel that I have been suffering for anxiety since I started college (when I actually started "caring" about life and my performance) which was about 11 years ago. Just this year I finally gave in to my own feelings and my significant other's proddings and I saw a psychiatrist. She told me after a few meetings that I have severe anxiety and possibly severe depression. Fine, proscribe me something and lets get this over with. 3 weeks later I had a debilitating anxiety attack of some sort at work that literally debilitated me. I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to do anything. I went from not being able to speak (10-15 seconds between words while trying to explain how I felt to my girlfriend) to speaking so fast that I stuttered and stumbled all over my words. It was a terrifying experience, like nothing I had felt before. I don't want to give all the details as I want to make sure to keep myself somewhat anonymous. My work place has been extremely supportive. There has been no pressure to return "too early" or to give up any details about what I am going through other than to the required individuals within HR. I was put on short term leave.
I summarize my anxiety as two halves that are equally driving the issue. First I am a perfectionist by nature and I have very high expectations for myself (and I want to make sure that everyone else's expectations are met with regard to my performance). Second my job requires me to work 60-70 hours often to meet client deadlines and whatnot, which means I have very little time to "unwind" and relax. I wake up in a panic, and I go to bed (or try to) in a panic. I have nightmares and wake up often before my alarm goes off.
I started on Lexapro for the first month. Felt zero change. Had anxiety attacks, though much smaller than what I felt while at work. Was still unable to deal with "everyday life" like a rational individual even though I wasn't at work. In addition to my psychiatrist I started talking to a psychologist weekly. Because of the zero effect of Lexapro I changed to Zoloft for month 2. I think I feel better. I think I do but I'm not sure. During month 2 I also started attending mindfulness meditation classes in the morning almost daily. I think the mindfulness meditation has helped, but I can only seem to do it and get a benefit in the group setting, not just by myself at home. I have also started taking an ADD medication as well as Klonipin to help me sleep. I am a person who doesn't trust doctors or medicine, and I am taking so many pills now and I don't know if they are having any positive impact on me.
Tomorrow I have a meeting with the executives of my firm and the HR people I have been dealing with. Monday I start back at work in "full swing", likely working long hours and whatnot. All of a sudden I am feeling the anxiety again. Just like before. What concerns me is that this is the first real work-related "stressful event" that I have had to deal with in 2 months...and I am feeling ANXIOUS again. I am writing down and re-reading all of my talking points for tomorrow's meeting. I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I feel like I am the same as I was 2 months ago. I feel like I will have the same problems when I go back. I have to be perfect. I have to be ready. I have to me the "all star" that I was before (and this thinking is likely what caused my snap in the first place).
I'm sorry for such a long introductory post. I just want to know if anyone has any thoughts...or if anyone else has gone through a similar situation as I am going through starting tomorrow (and Monday). My meeting is coming up tomorrow and I am quite nervous. Thank you for listening, and for any thoughts you might have.
Short background on myself. I am new to this forum, and before I turn in for the night I am going to try to reply to a few posts to add my thoughts and experience. I want to be a contributor, not just someone who comes to ask for help.
I feel that I have been suffering for anxiety since I started college (when I actually started "caring" about life and my performance) which was about 11 years ago. Just this year I finally gave in to my own feelings and my significant other's proddings and I saw a psychiatrist. She told me after a few meetings that I have severe anxiety and possibly severe depression. Fine, proscribe me something and lets get this over with. 3 weeks later I had a debilitating anxiety attack of some sort at work that literally debilitated me. I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to do anything. I went from not being able to speak (10-15 seconds between words while trying to explain how I felt to my girlfriend) to speaking so fast that I stuttered and stumbled all over my words. It was a terrifying experience, like nothing I had felt before. I don't want to give all the details as I want to make sure to keep myself somewhat anonymous. My work place has been extremely supportive. There has been no pressure to return "too early" or to give up any details about what I am going through other than to the required individuals within HR. I was put on short term leave.
I summarize my anxiety as two halves that are equally driving the issue. First I am a perfectionist by nature and I have very high expectations for myself (and I want to make sure that everyone else's expectations are met with regard to my performance). Second my job requires me to work 60-70 hours often to meet client deadlines and whatnot, which means I have very little time to "unwind" and relax. I wake up in a panic, and I go to bed (or try to) in a panic. I have nightmares and wake up often before my alarm goes off.
I started on Lexapro for the first month. Felt zero change. Had anxiety attacks, though much smaller than what I felt while at work. Was still unable to deal with "everyday life" like a rational individual even though I wasn't at work. In addition to my psychiatrist I started talking to a psychologist weekly. Because of the zero effect of Lexapro I changed to Zoloft for month 2. I think I feel better. I think I do but I'm not sure. During month 2 I also started attending mindfulness meditation classes in the morning almost daily. I think the mindfulness meditation has helped, but I can only seem to do it and get a benefit in the group setting, not just by myself at home. I have also started taking an ADD medication as well as Klonipin to help me sleep. I am a person who doesn't trust doctors or medicine, and I am taking so many pills now and I don't know if they are having any positive impact on me.
Tomorrow I have a meeting with the executives of my firm and the HR people I have been dealing with. Monday I start back at work in "full swing", likely working long hours and whatnot. All of a sudden I am feeling the anxiety again. Just like before. What concerns me is that this is the first real work-related "stressful event" that I have had to deal with in 2 months...and I am feeling ANXIOUS again. I am writing down and re-reading all of my talking points for tomorrow's meeting. I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I feel like I am the same as I was 2 months ago. I feel like I will have the same problems when I go back. I have to be perfect. I have to be ready. I have to me the "all star" that I was before (and this thinking is likely what caused my snap in the first place).
I'm sorry for such a long introductory post. I just want to know if anyone has any thoughts...or if anyone else has gone through a similar situation as I am going through starting tomorrow (and Monday). My meeting is coming up tomorrow and I am quite nervous. Thank you for listening, and for any thoughts you might have.