SussexDunc
01-23-2013, 04:41 PM
Just a want to get this off my chest to an audience who can relate. I'm a 36yr old salesman, great career with large corporates (ex IBM, ex Cable & Wireless), great family, enthusiastic cyclist, and with a small but excellent circle of friends. I loved cars, loved driving, loved my work, loved doing what I was doing.
However, five and a half years ago i was in a very stressful job, not getting a lot of sleep, with a young baby in the family, and had only recently buried my Dad. One particular day was very stressful in the office. I left the office for the two hour drive home, hopped in the car, and cranked up the Prodigy to full volume. The weapons-grade stereo in the car didn't do my ears any good, and I was getting very short dizzy spells on the way home. Twenty minutes from the house, as I was over taking a lorry, the world lurched sideways.
I had a panic attack...
And life hasn't been the same since...
I've been through psychiatrists, therapists, hypotherapists, been tested for every ailment known to mankind... You all know the score.
Today I had a relatively calm day - drive 40 miles to see a customer, easy meeting, drive home... Nothing else to do. Got myself sorted, left the house, got in the car, and the internal dialogue starts...
"Just relax you idiot... You're not going to have a heart attack... Or die... Or anything else..."
"Stop listening to your body.... Stop it.... That pressure in your chest and head is because you're tense, nothing else"
"Oh flaming hell, hot flush! Argh, ignore it, ignore it, it's snowing outside, it's cold in the car, it's your body being silly, think of something else"
This goes on for 45 minutes. I'm not scared of anything on the roads, I'm scared of me, I'm scared of my body...
So, at the customer office - ignore the momentary dizzy spells, I've got a sinus infection at the moment, and tension in my lower back. Coupled with the natural tension of anxiety, of course I'm going to have these split second dizzy spells. Indeed, I'm so tense it's a marvel my brain can balance me at all... Just keep thinking that...
Sat in the customer meeting, one of our partner firms is presenting, I've seen it before, it's not very interesting... My mind wanders... "Hmmm, look at that, my hands are very red compared with everyone else's... I wonder what my blood pressure is... Covertly check my pulse... Hmmm, mid 60bpm I'd say..."
Then repeat the drive up with the drive home... Only this time throw in a momentary dizzy spell when hitting a hump in the road just as I'm looking and refocusing on the dashboard.
Repeat daily... And don't even ask me about train journeys :o)
The avoidance has reached a new peak this year, for reasons too lengthy to go into on this post, but I'm amazed I've still got a job. The really silly thing is that on the very rare occasions I do have a full blown panic attack, I'm normally able to talk myself out of it in a minute or two.
Anxiety/Panic... It really is a constant companion. Like being followed around by your own pet deranged dog - only you can see it, only you knows it is there, and only you know that at some point it will bite you, usually at the least convenient moment possible, and in front of everyone.
Thanks for listening
However, five and a half years ago i was in a very stressful job, not getting a lot of sleep, with a young baby in the family, and had only recently buried my Dad. One particular day was very stressful in the office. I left the office for the two hour drive home, hopped in the car, and cranked up the Prodigy to full volume. The weapons-grade stereo in the car didn't do my ears any good, and I was getting very short dizzy spells on the way home. Twenty minutes from the house, as I was over taking a lorry, the world lurched sideways.
I had a panic attack...
And life hasn't been the same since...
I've been through psychiatrists, therapists, hypotherapists, been tested for every ailment known to mankind... You all know the score.
Today I had a relatively calm day - drive 40 miles to see a customer, easy meeting, drive home... Nothing else to do. Got myself sorted, left the house, got in the car, and the internal dialogue starts...
"Just relax you idiot... You're not going to have a heart attack... Or die... Or anything else..."
"Stop listening to your body.... Stop it.... That pressure in your chest and head is because you're tense, nothing else"
"Oh flaming hell, hot flush! Argh, ignore it, ignore it, it's snowing outside, it's cold in the car, it's your body being silly, think of something else"
This goes on for 45 minutes. I'm not scared of anything on the roads, I'm scared of me, I'm scared of my body...
So, at the customer office - ignore the momentary dizzy spells, I've got a sinus infection at the moment, and tension in my lower back. Coupled with the natural tension of anxiety, of course I'm going to have these split second dizzy spells. Indeed, I'm so tense it's a marvel my brain can balance me at all... Just keep thinking that...
Sat in the customer meeting, one of our partner firms is presenting, I've seen it before, it's not very interesting... My mind wanders... "Hmmm, look at that, my hands are very red compared with everyone else's... I wonder what my blood pressure is... Covertly check my pulse... Hmmm, mid 60bpm I'd say..."
Then repeat the drive up with the drive home... Only this time throw in a momentary dizzy spell when hitting a hump in the road just as I'm looking and refocusing on the dashboard.
Repeat daily... And don't even ask me about train journeys :o)
The avoidance has reached a new peak this year, for reasons too lengthy to go into on this post, but I'm amazed I've still got a job. The really silly thing is that on the very rare occasions I do have a full blown panic attack, I'm normally able to talk myself out of it in a minute or two.
Anxiety/Panic... It really is a constant companion. Like being followed around by your own pet deranged dog - only you can see it, only you knows it is there, and only you know that at some point it will bite you, usually at the least convenient moment possible, and in front of everyone.
Thanks for listening