kakariki
01-21-2013, 02:33 AM
Anxiety - god I never thought I would have it. I have always thought my family had strange tendancies but now I truely believe they do, me included. My nan did strange things, I thought she was just old and thats what old people did. My mum, bless her definitely has anxiety problems and I believe I have learnt this behaviour is "normal". Worrying about death, weight, kids, what people think etc etc. Mum is now on medication. I went with her and she looked so vunerable I felt sad. I was the strong one, funny when inside I was screaming "Im like it too". Mum is so much better on medication. There is a huge difference in her. I have started to talk about my anxiety with her. Not much. She doesnt know how it affects me. I try to talk about how I feel with my husband. He doesnt really understand. It must be so hard living with someone with such extreme anxieties and moods. One minute I am loving and dont have a care in the world the next I worry about death, the future, the what ifs. He cant keep up. Sometimes I really open my self up yearning for him to stop and listen and try to understand even if it does seem so silly. I stop myself, scared of what he will think of me. He cant comprehend what it is like to wake up in a panic, worrying about what the day will bring. Symptoms of panic, tight chest - am I having a heart attack, will I see my children grow up. The fog in your mind like you are drunk and cant think straight and the just wanting to sit and block everyone out and be drained for hours. My husband has health problems, I was diagnosed with GAD after this. He worries about his health, and rightly so but I cant allow him this as I live each day scared that he might get sick again, is it just a cold or more serious. He cant talk to me about his health - I cant deal with it. I have only just started being able to take the children to the doctors. I couldnt before for fear of what might be wrong. Ive just realised this is a HUGE accomplishment on my part. Im usually funny, the life of the party maybe thats how I hide what is really going on inside me. I dont want to take medication. Im scared of it. It means its got me, but some days I feel I should as I feel so out of control. Ive started walking with my husband. Its mainly in silence at the moment but I feel better. We laugh, especially when Im huffing up the hill but I feel calmer. Im pissed off - pissed off that my mind can control my life like this, make me feel so lonely and sad and scared. How can I worry so much about the future when Im not living now? Im existing day by day trying not to let this fear control my life. One day I will turn around and wonder where time has gone.
Today was a great day. Exercise is helping. Im on a diet - again. I want to get healthy and lose weight. We got out of the house, took the kids fishing. Even a new pink rod for my daughter didnt help us catch anything! Got another walk in. Was very hot but my husband and I talked more. It was nice. Had lovely friends up for dinner. Only couple of occasions where I felt myself worrying. It didnt last long. Im determined to get better. I dont want to have something controlling me like this everyday. Hope this makes sense!!!
Today was a great day. Exercise is helping. Im on a diet - again. I want to get healthy and lose weight. We got out of the house, took the kids fishing. Even a new pink rod for my daughter didnt help us catch anything! Got another walk in. Was very hot but my husband and I talked more. It was nice. Had lovely friends up for dinner. Only couple of occasions where I felt myself worrying. It didnt last long. Im determined to get better. I dont want to have something controlling me like this everyday. Hope this makes sense!!!