Fear of death/ universe

[Tomtommer]

Hi, I'm new here..

I'm not quite sure what to start with or even what I want to write in general..

I'm 26, have been having anxiety/ panic attacks since August 2004.

It all started when I was watching a documentary about the universe on national geographic channel, and somehow, during that documentary, I guess some switch got flipped and I developed the anxiety trigger I mentioned in the topic title.
I went to take a nice warm long bath after that documentary, as I was home alone because my parents were away on vacation as I had to stay at home for some reason I can't recall.

While in the bathtub, I started thinking about what I saw on TV and I had my first moment of intense fear/ anxiety because of that subject.

Since that event, I've gone through several relationships which ended because they couldn't deal with this stuff.
I've had several jobs as well, which also often ended because I had too many attacks while at work ( I was, fortunately able to keep them inside until I got to the restrooms where I then wouldn't be able to prevent them from happening anymore. )

I've seen a psychologist for about 2.5 years, well, 4 of them actually in that timespan, and have been diagnosed from everything ranging from autism to panic disorder, which was the last diagnose they gave me.
This was pretty annoying, as I already told them at the start of the 2.5 years of seeing them, that I probably have a panic disorder, but they refused to believe me/ accept that I could be right about it.

The thing about me that makes it even worse to have this 'theme' behind my anxiety attacks is that I overanalyze the absolute fuck out of everything, I want to know everything about everything, and not being able to have a definitive answer is annoying to me on stuff that is somewhat important/ interesting to me, like the topics death/ the universe are.

I'm literally unable to stop my body from trembling/ shivering uncontrollably while writing this, barely able to keep my shit together right now, but here goes..
The fears I have are about the universe, the age old question 'how did we get here - what's going to happen to us'
and about death, what happens next etc. ( I literally am unable to write exactly what I mean as my body goes nuts when even trying to type about it in more detail )

I've experienced death in my life several times, with family and close friends/ loved ones.
This may be part of the reason why these topics frighten me so much.
My aunt died when I turned 6 years old, she was driving home from my birthday party and while on the highway, some drunk bastard wasnt paying attention and hit her from the side, causing her to swerve off the road, causing the car to tumble down a small cliff about 15 meters high.

My grandfather died from lungcancer, my uncle died from a heart attack, another uncle died while para-sailing, my grandma died of all sorts of cancer..
A girl I was dating at the time told me she was going to get surgery at night because there was something wrong in her body.. they rushed her to the hospital and she died on the operating table..

For me it's hard to imagine a stable future for myself and I hate it..
I really want to have children, get married, all that stuff.. but when I then realize that that means that there will be more people that I care about more than myself, the thought of knowing those people will someday be gone kills me inside.
This in turn makes me want to distance myself from the people around me, under the false pretense that not bonding with people would mean not getting hurt by the loss that is unavoidable with a bond between people at some point.

Sorry for the long read..
I hope people respond to this, even though I don't know what you would have to respond to..
I hope I don't make anyone feel bad..

[SunnieDebris]

Hey, Tomtommer, and welcome! I'm glad you found us. I think a lot of us have fears of the unknown. You are always welcome here, so please don't worry about making anyone feel bad, you're doing just fine. It doesn't sound like you're really benefiting from therapy. Are you taking any medications? I hope you find the answers that you seek.

[mw0929]

Hi & welcome! It sounds like you have been through a lot. Many of us tend to overanalyze things that most people would overlook. I tend to focus on changes in my body and convince myself that change is a sign of an illness and that I am going to die. Death of a loved one snaps us back to the realization that we aren't here forever and one day that will be us. It is a hard thing to deal with....especially when you have anxiety. Just know you are not alone and there are a lot of people here that know what you are going through.

[Tomtommer]

Therapy didn't work for me at all, september 2011 was the last time I went to see my psychologist and she told me that she and the other people there tried everything they knew/ could to help me but nothing has worked and that from then on, I would have to try and work it out on my own.

I did try meds, risperdal or risperidon or something, for a while, but the positive effects of them weren't strong enough to outweigh the negative parts of them, namely being dizzy, tired and with a lack of focus all the time.
Plus, my family also told me that I really turned into a different person because of the meds, they caused me to be in a permanent meh-state. I know that's what those pills are supposed to do ( take the edge off of your emotions, so instead of an emotional range of 1-10, there's only 4-7 left )
But for me, that was the limit, I refuse to be a totally different person just to be able to live free of panic attacks.
So I stopped taking the meds and now I'm just doing this on my own.. albeit with little success so far..

[pawlowski187]

My personal opinion hun, u cant do it by yourself... Ive tried many times. I suffer the same fears u do. It sucks, its draining and sometimes id almost rather be dead then living a life trapped in my mind. Find a therapist that specializes in panic disorder. Get on meds! Eventually ( usually) the negative side effects with diminish. And if not it could take time to find the right mix for u. I feel so conected to your post. It is so much like me. Feel free to message me anytime

[SunnieDebris]

Hey there. It sounds like you have had some negative experiences with both therapy, and medication. Unfortunately, there are a lot more "average and below average" therapists than there are good ones. A therapist that specializes in anxiety disorders would be a great start. I would suggest that you maybe keep an open mind about both. Respiridol is an antipsychotic, as far as I understand (I'm not a doctor), and there are other types or families of medications that may work for you with much more tolerable side effects.

[Tomtommer]

The thing with therapy is, to me, that no matter how much talking is done with me about the subject, each outcome of those topics mentioned earlier sucks ( regarding death and what happens etc )

The thing with meds is, I don't want to feel like I can't live a decent life without stupid pills in my body.
I want to have full control over my own body and mind, and knowing that that isn't an option by accepting daily pills into my life is a pretty hard fact to accept.

SunnieDebris, you mentioned looking for a therapist that specializes in anxiety disorders.
The one I saw for 2 years actually specialized in these things, and even she told me that she can't help me anymore if I don't want to take meds.

The meds I took were, indeed, antipsychotics, as prescribed by the psychiatrist there, but even with the smallest possible dose the side effects were really intense.

Pawlowski187, I know what you're going through, although the thought of rather being dead never crossed my mind, as my intense fear of the subject prevents me from even thinking about that for a split-second.
This is also why I don't understand my mom's fear about me potentially committing suicide, as that's the only thing that I'd have full control over of not happening regarding this topic.


To write it all on a forum like this is actually quite difficult for me too.
I've always been against group therapy as it might cause others to start thinking about this stuff the same way I do, causing the same anxiety triggers to arise within them.
I know this chance is very small, but it isn't completely non-existant.
If it were to happen that someone develops the same thought pattern and anxiety attacks due to these thoughts because of what I write down, I'd never be able to forgive myself for ruining someone's life the way my life has been ruined due to this happening to me..

[anxiousmal]

Hey Tomtommer,

First of all, I totally sympathise with what your going through. I dont know if anything I'm gonna type will help, but it seems to me that your anxieties have just latched onto things about the universe and death. In reality death is a natural occurrence and it happens, even if you thought about it all day it shouldn't cause you anxiety or panic, the same about thoughts of the universe.

I can sympathise because I also have weird thoughts about how time passes and stuff. I had these thoughts before anxiety took its hold and they never bothered me before, so I know it's anxiety that has latched onto these thoughts.

What I would do if I were you, is keep an open mind about stuff. Medication may make you like a zombie, and your friends/family may not like it, but maybe it's what you need right now. Perhaps it's a bullet you need to bite in order to progress forward in a meaningful way.

I can tell you medication has helped me alot. I went from constant panick attacks in fact 2 weeks of constant panic attacks and really high anxiety, where I was diagnosed with severe GAD. The medication I was prescribed in fact helped get a handle on the anxiety along with therapy. However the medication I was prescribed has had no noticeable side effects. I was prescribed pregabalin which is usually used for epilepsy but has been found to help anxiety. I think it does. I was told it would sedate me, but it didnt, it just made me feel really dizzy and sick for couple of days, which I suppose would be side effects but they are hardly worth mentioning.

Anyway I truly hope you find something that helps and you fully recover.

[Tomtommer]

Thanks for the reply, but here's the problem..

If I know people start to worry about me due to this stuff, that triggers the feeling of guilt and makes me think about the anxiety stuff, triggering new attacks.
So, even if I did take meds, I would feel like a zombie and I'd know I'd make people feel bad/ worried about me, which is something I don't want to see happening.

I noticed that people prescribe meds so quickly for this stuff.. I think there must be some other way to solve this shiz.

At least, I hope there is.

[raggamuffin]

I recall the same sort of panic consuming me when I read a double page spread about all sorts of possibilites of the world ending in a newspaper. For months I could hardly eat, or sleep. Every hour of every day spent in sheer panic. It was hideous. But in time I learnt acceptance.

It's what anxiety, depression and life in general requires. Everyone dies. Being blessed and cursed with the realization we die is something other creatures on this planet don't get. Some people have a very hard time accepting this life is finite and cling to religion. Others simply go out and do as much as humanly possible to feel alive.

The beginning and end of the universe is a huge topic that will not be answered in our life time. It can be viewed via a religious or scientific perspective. But we will not know the answer in this generation. We're only in the infancy of space exploration and understanding. We haven't even scratched the surface of our understanding of the solar system, nevermind the universe.

It sounds as if you have been through a lot in your life and suffered a lot of loss. I can't even begin to imagine how that would effect your perception and sense of security in life.

Did your psychologist ever recommend CBT. You said you've talked to 4 professionals now. Did you find any of their approaches effective? Whilst they can help you tackle anxiety or depression ad other disorders. Such vast topics such as life and death and the universe etc are topics which far exceed the qualifications of a medical professional.

The thing is, in life there'll always be uncertainty. This can take a long long time to accept. Some people never truly accept it and live in a lot of fear. You have experienced a lot of loss in your life, it's only natural you'd fear a notion such as settling down with a family and kids etc. But we have to take risks in life. not that a relationship is a risk, if people take their time with getting to know someone and find someone truly compatible, then life has many many positive aspects to it.

What methods, other than medication did your psychologists recommend?

Fear of the unknown..and fear in general can be so life consuming. People with anxiety disorders lives are governed by fear. It's when we reach acceptance that the pains and symptoms start to lessen or subside entirely. But it's trying to rationalize a situation that is hard. It's often hard not to let emotion into a situation or a though, but that's how anxiety is effectively tackled.

With a thirst for knowledge such as yourself, have you ever considered taking up a course in a college or university. It's never too late to change careers or direction in life. It sounds like you have a lot of unanswered questions. Is there a burning passion in your life for a subject or job type which you could be driven towards?

Ed

[Tomtommer]

I've tried several things for therapy such as meds, confrontation therapy, breathing and relaxation excercises, discussing it with them to see if they can find flaws in my logic whenever I start thinking about these topics.
none have worked so far.

The things I like to do and learn about are animation, art, learning languages and I do a lot of sports.
I've done animation college for a year, but it didn't work out as a teacher succeeded into getting my grades low enough at the ending presentation where he was one of the judges, he never liked me.
Also, my anxiety attacks got worse as college stress increased.

I'd like to learn more about a lot of stuff, I seem to learn things quite easily, maybe that's my downfall at the same time, as I am so eager to learn stuff and get into the details of everything, that sometimes I come across stuff I should have never learned to prevent things like my current situation from happening.
Had I not watched that documentary, my life would've most likely turned out quite differently..

[raggamuffin]

Out of interest...would science or astronomy interest you? There's so many possible jobs and avenues to take down the science route and you could actually dedicate your time to helping to find answers to the questions that perplex you. Try and find the positive in the negative and such like.


Ed

[Tomtommer]

In my opinion, answers to these questions can't ever be found, for the fact that there's no way to definitively find out whether there's an afterlife or not.
I really like science, but I think that dedicating my life to the thing I fear the most would turn me into the most messed up mad scientist in the world.
I prefer sanity above that, hehe.

Also, the answer to the question whether the universe has an end or not is irrelevant, as both possibilities suck so much.

[sully0105]

Oh my god finally somebody who I feel I can relate to ALOT!

[Tomtommer]

Then, what do you do to handle stuff like this?