GAD he feels no love anymore

[bummed33]

I met by boyfriend, who has GAD, and everything was beyond perfect at first. He made me feel so loved and secure.

Then, his mother passed away, which put him in a VERY high level of anxiety. I postponed my world trip to go be with him and support him for a few weeks. Being there seemed to make things worse for us. He started questioning everything, libido was gone completely, and I felt like I was annoying him by being there.

Another thing that was hard for him was knowing I would be in his place with him for a few weeks. He has never lived with anybody (he's 41) because of his anxiety, and my being there raised his anxiety even more!

He's now "numb" and can't feel love for me. He says in the past he's ended relationships at this point. He said that he knows that he actually does have the old feelings for me still, so he won't leave, but he feels like he has no love to give me right now.

I am currently traveling, so it's giving him some time alone, but it feels like he's not reaching out at all to keep in contact during it. Most contact stems from me. I talked to him about going to see somebody again, and he says he's "not there yet" It's making me want to leave the relationship, as I feel unloved and undesirable in it.

However, I know what it was, and how HE was.. I guess my question is.. When you were feeling like that, what did you need from your partner? To be there? Distance? Temporary break up?

I'm thinking of telling him we should have a few weeks no contact so he can focus on himself, but don't know of this would help or hinder him getting better..

Please help, I want to be there for him, but he doesn't even know what he needs from me at this moment..

Thank you!

[bummed33]

Sorry for the typos..iPhone changed a few words

[SunnieDebris]

Bummed,

I'm not a relationship expert, but it sounds to me like he is making no effort whatsoever, and that you are bending over backwards to accommodate him. I wonder what would happen if you stopped?

[cookie26]

Sounds really rough...it sounds like he may be going through some depression as well, especially if he lost someone close to him in his family...it's a natural time for mourning and sounds like he wants you to know not to take his personal feelings personal. It sounds like you two have good communication, telling each other how you feel. That's a good sign. Maybe it would be good to question how temporary this will all be ... will his GAD take over for years, or only a few months while he lost someone? ultimately, you are not the one who can help him get to therapy or take meds, he's the one who is going to have to help himself. You can encourage him to, but there's no way you can make him. Trying to force him will make you go crazy!! Perhaps space would make things better...I hope you two are able to figure things out together. Relationships are tough ... sometimes worth the battle.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." - serenity prayer

[raggamuffin]

The thing about anxiety and depression is it's a very selfish pair of disorders. Some people might not want to accept that. but when you spend your whole time worrying aboout what's wrong with me, am I ill, I need to avoid a, b and c to feel safe, i'm going to die etc. People with anxiety are often so wrapped up in this paranoid world they've conjured up for themselves that it's very difficult for them to think about much else.

Depression is just as difficult to deal with in all honesty. A lack of drive and motivation, and dull and dismal apathy towards all activities and emotions. Wanting to sleep all the time and stay indoors instead of going out and being pro-active.

It's tough really, but he needs to get help as it's difficult to get through to the other side without some form of help. Has he ever been on this forum? been on meds? Tried CBT? Personally i'd say pair the medication (if needed) with CBT and take it from there. But as anxiety is often paired with depression you tend to feel hopeless and lack the drive to do anything also means a lack of motivation to get help.

Giving him time to himself...I always wonder how good an idea this is. People can get time off work for depression. Why? So they can sit at home with nothing to do but dig themselves deeper and deeper into their hole of over thinking and negativity. He needs a plan of action and a practical approach to change. It might be difficult, but getting over anxiety and depression is an uphill struggle and often the heardest part is to get started with it all as it's often so overwhelming.

Ed

[mw0929]

Give him some time. If you go back and nothing has changed, it's probably time to move on.

[bummed33]

Thank you for replying everybody.

He does seem to be in a state of depression right now as well. He does go out, goes to work, etc, but it's taking a lot more effort for him to do so.

I am definitely doing more for the relationship right now, but I do have to say that before his mother died and the anxiety sky rocketed, he was amazing, attentive, made me feel secure, etc..

As of yesterday, I'm now just trying to just be supportive when he searches me out to talk.. But I'm not going to initiate contact..

It brings even more anxiety to him when he then worries that if he doesn't reply, I'll be upset or sad.

I admit I DO need a fair bit of contact to feel secure, specially right now. But of course he's not able to give it because he is very in his own head right now.

I know he's dealing with a lot right now though, so I'm going to attempt to just back up, give him space, and be supportive when he needs.

I don't know how long I'll be able to do this, but for right now, the thought of getting back what we had is keeping me going..

Have you guys ever experienced that numb feeling? And if so.. How long did it last?

He had done CBT before. He's not keen to go back because he thought he had the anxiety under control, and going back would mean he was a "failure"..

He doesn't take meds.

I just ordered him some natural supplants which he HAS started taking..

5-htp
Tryptophan
GABA
Tyrosine
Magnesium

And some others

[bummed33]

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[bummed33]

Wow! Sorry about the multiple posts! It was acting up and not posting them.. And then it added them all at once!

[raggamuffin]

My therapist said that it's easy to slip up after you finish with CBT. SHouldn't feel like a failure though. Clearly worry and fear has crept back up on him. There should be no shame in him returning. Just needs to be 100% honest with the time he has with his therapist so that they can do their best to help him get better.

Ed

[SunnieDebris]

Bummed,

I'm not a relationship expert, but it sounds to me like he is making no effort whatsoever, and that you are bending over backwards to accommodate him. I wonder what would happen if you stopped?

Bummed,

I would like to apologize for my curt reply. You are obviously concerned due to his change in behaviors, and I should have remembered that he didn't used to act this way. I hope everything works out for the both of you, whatever that looks like.

Sunnie

[bummed33]

Thank you so much for the replies everybody!

It's been nice reading through them and getting ideas :)

[bummed33]

So...

Turns out its ROCD...

I'm trying to stay strong but superficial texts a few times a day is hardly anything to be calling a relationship...

:(

[star1234]

One if two things. It can be that he is using his moms passing as a way out or he is truly suffering from anxiety and depression. I'm 44 years old. I lost my mom three months ago. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety since. I have never ever felt the way I feel now. I have mental and physical symptoms. Their are days where I just want to run away to a quiet little place and I want know one to bother me. I haven't been able to do that by the grace of God and my children. Although I knew she had to pass one day I wasn't ready. I lost my rock and my best friend. Seeing her suffer traumatized me. I haven't been the same. I'm speaking for myself. Everyone is different.

[bummed33]

One if two things. It can be that he is using his moms passing as a way out or he is truly suffering from anxiety and depression. I'm 44 years old. I lost my mom three months ago. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety since. I have never ever felt the way I feel now. I have mental and physical symptoms. Their are days where I just want to run away to a quiet little place and I want know one to bother me. I haven't been able to do that by the grace of God and my children. Although I knew she had to pass one day I wasn't ready. I lost my rock and my best friend. Seeing her suffer traumatized me. I haven't been the same. I'm speaking for myself. Everyone is different.

Thank you for answering and I'm sorry to hear that you are in the same situation as my boyfriend.

I know he's not using it as an out. It's killing him that he lost his feelings and has gone numb.

He says he wants to want to tell me he loves me, misses me and such.. But that he's just not there. He feels nothing.

He is 41 and although he thinks he is as ok as can be about her death, I think he is definitely depressed about it and is latching the anxiety on me.

He felt she was too young (70) and cancer is what took her. She had a 9 yer struggle with it..

I don't know what to do.. I wish he would start CBT again..

Ive backed off to give him space.. But this really is not a relationship anymore.. It's not being fed..

:(

[star1234]

I truly feel for both of you. I'm going for therapy myself. I m to afraid of hurting the ones around that are still alive and still need me. People tell me that I'm going to be mourning for a good year, I never knew that my moms passing would have such a great effect on me. If you love him I would say give him space and time. But by the same token he needs to realize that you need to know where you stand because you have needs too. He is also 41 years old so by this age he should already be in a committed relationship. I truly wish you the best and I would love to hear your outcome.

[bummed33]

Would you say give him time and space IN or OUT of a relationship?

The fact that he feels guilty he's not giving me what I deserve in this relationship is bringing him even more anxiety.

I just do t want him to think I turned my back on him after his mum passing if I do end things..

I just want to do the right thing for both of us..

I've backed off and told him he doesn't HAVE to contact me, to only do it if he WANTS to.

That's great for him.. But I feel a bit pathetic like I'm putting myself and my needs on the back burner..

[star1234]

You need to think about yourself first. That's not being selfish. Your not and reader or a heart reader. Give him space. Call it whatever you want . Whether its in the relation or not its the same thing. Meaning regardless whether your in the relationship or not your feelings for him hasn't changed. Maybe you should suggest therapy to him. He can go to some sessions alone and some sessions with him. Going with him will help you understand the depth of his anxiety and maybe more. After making the suggestion feel him out. If you see no positive reaction then slowly pull yourself out. Give eachother some me time alone. I'm not suggesting to go out and date other people. I'm suggesting to treat yourself to a spa or do some shopping. Spend time with friends and pick up a hobby. He is either going to snap out of it or not. It's whether or not you live him enough to be patient and find out. But again I can totally relate. I have many days where I wish I can lock myself in a closet and I just want to be left alone. That's also called depression. I truly wish you the best and feel free to write me.

[bummed33]

You need to think about yourself first. That's not being selfish. Your not and reader or a heart reader. Give him space. Call it whatever you want . Whether its in the relation or not its the same thing. Meaning regardless whether your in the relationship or not your feelings for him hasn't changed. Maybe you should suggest therapy to him. He can go to some sessions alone and some sessions with him. Going with him will help you understand the depth of his anxiety and maybe more. After making the suggestion feel him out. If you see no positive reaction then slowly pull yourself out. Give eachother some me time alone. I'm not suggesting to go out and date other people. I'm suggesting to treat yourself to a spa or do some shopping. Spend time with friends and pick up a hobby. He is either going to snap out of it or not. It's whether or not you live him enough to be patient and find out. But again I can totally relate. I have many days where I wish I can lock myself in a closet and I just want to be left alone. That's also called depression. I truly wish you the best and feel free to write me.

I have PMd you! Thank you!