Could My Anxiety been caused by my emotionally manipulative parent?

[trinidiva]

I grew up in a very strict, type A home. As a child, I was expected to behave a certain way, and if I deviated from that, I was punished. It was to the point where I would be nervous to go home on report card day if I got a B or C in a subject. My mother did not like her in laws. In turn, I was expected not to like them either. As I got older and started to try to make my own decisions, it usually would turn into an arguement. One in particular pushed me to the point where I just packed my stuff and moved out, not saying a word about where I was going. My family didn't know where I was for a few months. Finally an aunt used manipulative methods to locate me (questioning one of my friends) and my mother called and said that we needed q family therapy session. I agreed, and showed up for the session, only to realize that it was more of a time for my family to say all the reasons they weren't happy with me, etc. I had to just sit and listen.
So fast forward a number of years, I got married, had kids, but the emotional issues still remain. My mother is always upset with someone, who in her mind has done something to her. If it isn't someone at work, it is someone at church. If it isn't someone at church, it is someone working in a store, etc, etc. Today I just couldn't take it anymore and I told her that she is far too sensitive and and she really needs to pick and choose her battles. She recently sent a wedding gift to a family member, and when we went to visit the country where they live, we stayed with another family member. The newlywed couple came to visit us twice while we were there, but because they didn't call right before my mother left she is now angry and saying she won't do anything for them again. NOW, because I disagreed with her, she's mad at me and now says she is cutting her Christmas visit to see my kids short. I feel like what she wants is for me to beg, and I'm not going to do that. The thing is, after these episodes, I start to feel the tightness in my chest or actually get full out panic attacks. I used to break down crying and have a terrible time after some of the episodes.
I really don't know how to handle this situation, I already have one sibling that virtually cut her off...I don't want to do that, but I am also being realistic that she's not going to change. My husband said that I need to adopt an I don't care attitude, but that is difficult for me to do also. I've always worn my emotions on my sleeve.
Can anyone relate? I really need to talk right now.

[Shyaamist]

Without going into a MAJOR story of my life, YES! I think it is totally possible that part of your anxiety could be because of your parents. At 16 I was told that my mother had co-dependency issues from my psychologist. I was told very young that my younger brother was the favorite by my mothers mom. I never really believed it until lately. The past few years I have found that my alcoholic younger brother is truely the golden child. He has a young son. I have no children. My mother will cater to my brother for his every little need of money, while my husband and I are struggling every pay check.

I realize our situations are different. However, I have to say it is absolutely wonderful to find someone else that thinks that it could be the way they were raised and the family they are stuck with that is causing some of the anxiety!

[PanicCured]

Does it matter what caused it? I am not sure if I think people need to delve into their past as much as therapists would like us to believe. Some self reflection is healthy, but not at the expense of losing the forward motion of healing. I cured my anxiety and I do not know exactly why I had it. I think it was like a nervous breakdown from a multitude of stress and hardship piling up until my nervous system finally crashed then I kept myself in a vicious circle. But that isn't really that scientific. I cured myself by a strong will to get better and to do whatever I had to do. Some therapy is good, but not to drown in it.

About your mom, life is short, so there's no time to be bitter. One day she won't be here. We have to deal with impossible people on a daily basis. Nobody is guaranteed tomorrow. Try and be happy and enjoy your life and don't let other people get you down. This is yoru life and make it a good one. Arguing and being bitter and holding in grudges will only make things worse. Just make the best of it.

[trinidiva]

Panic Cured:
That's just the thing, I try to make the best of the time with I have with my mom because I definitely realize that no one is promised tomorrow, but I just get so mentally and physically drained trying to stay in her good graces, which is very difficult, or constantly listen to her complain about how everyone had done her wrong....I want my kids to have an opportunity to know their grandma, so I call her all the time, put them on the line, etc....
I'm just really tired, and I feel like it is affecting my health when she starts acting like this. When she is calm, everything is great, then when she gets it in her mind that someone has done her wrong, all *ell breaks loose.

[Shyaamist]

Panic Cured:
That's just the thing, I try to make the best of the time with I have with my mom because I definitely realize that no one is promised tomorrow, but I just get so mentally and physically drained trying to stay in her good graces, which is very difficult, or constantly listen to her complain

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein

When it comes to my mother, I am trying to learn this, but I just keep doing what I have to in order to try to please her...

[trinidiva]

So, we just spoke again. I was very calm and collected. She said "I was going to stay until after New Years, (this was the original plan.....I already took vacation time from my job) but NOW, I'm only staying until Christmas night. I said "ok, fine if that's what you want to do, that's fine. I'm not begging you to stay". She says " This is what I mean, I'm not asking you to beg, I just feel like I'm always treated badly by you, your husband, your sister, everyone...(playing the victim card) So I say, "well, tell me what i have done to you..." She pauses for a moment, then changes the subject. This means she doesn't have anything to say..because oh boy, if she did, then she would definitely let loose. Then she says..." I had all these plans to bake cookies with the kids, but I guess I won't be doing that now." I remained calm and just said "That's fine!"
I just HATE the "playing the victim" thing....I just feel like there is no reasoning with those type of people.
I still don't feel great after that call, but I feel like I handled my emotions ALOT better than I have in the past. ugh.....

[PanicCured]

Just don't hang out with your mom to the point of exhaustion. You need smaller doses.

[cookie26]

It's definitely true that your family can cause anxiety -- both genetically, and because of the stressful environment they seem to put you in. It sounds really awful, and I can certainly relate. Personally, I think many of us try to physically escape the pain of broken family by physically removing ourselves. A great gem of hope is that your anxiety can be relieved through your own personal detachment and self-growth ... which is process, not something that occurs overnight. Have you ever heard of Al Anon or read books such as "Boundaries"? These can be great resources to allow you to find peace within yourself amidst chaos ... remember that your family, though it sounds broken, loves you and may want the best for you, even if it's coming out all wrong... now that you're an adult, you have control over your life and have the right to your opinion. Take care of yourself, and surround yourself with people who are good for you!! :-) Best of luck.

[Dogtime]

Children of 'poor' parents can develop a low elevated level of anxiety, due to their parents worrying over money related problems.

[trinidiva]

It's definitely true that your family can cause anxiety -- both genetically, and because of the stressful environment they seem to put you in. It sounds really awful, and I can certainly relate. Personally, I think many of us try to physically escape the pain of broken family by physically removing ourselves. A great gem of hope is that your anxiety can be relieved through your own personal detachment and self-growth ... which is process, not something that occurs overnight. Have you ever heard of Al Anon or read books such as "Boundaries"? These can be great resources to allow you to find peace within yourself amidst chaos ... remember that your family, though it sounds broken, loves you and may want the best for you, even if it's coming out all wrong... now that you're an adult, you have control over your life and have the right to your opinion. Take care of yourself, and surround yourself with people who are good for you!! :-) Best of luck.

Thank you so much! I am going to look into that book and really try to make some changes. I can't continue to be stressed out like this...I need to find a better way to deal with my mom. This morning before work I noticed she sent me an email. It was an email about nothing, but that is her weird way of trying to repair things, gauging how upset I am without having to address the real issue or say sorry.
On another note, for the last person who posted, that may be try for some families, but we were a very comfortable middle class family. Both parents worked, we always had everything we needed and most of what we wanted, but there was always that high bar set to keep up a perfect appearance, we could never bring any type of shame to our family by acting badly or loud in public, or doing anything else that might be considered out of line.