New suicidal dad

[danreid82]

Hey I'm Dan from vancouver. Bit of history, wife was on bed rest at children's hospital from three weeks. Son was born at 28 weeks 5 days. Everything healthy but took 76 days in the NICU till he came home. Wife and I started fighting daily the last few weeks even when he came home. Got to the point where I was bottle feeding him and she was yelling at me telling me I was doing it wrong, I snapped, picked up my 180lb wife and threw her across the room with my baby in my other arm. Realizing what a disaster was going on, I gently put him in his cradle and punched myself in the face until I smashed my nose and knocked myself out. When I came to, I hated myself so much I hacked at my left forearm till the cuts were a quarter inch deep. I also cut my thighs but never told my doctors.

My wife took me to the psych ward where I spent four days on suicide watch. Pumped with xanax, ativan, olanzipine cipralex zopiclone. Xanax makes me rage. Ativan makes me depressed. Don't notice the cipralex. Olanzipine works so well but I have massive short term memory loss and list that med. and zopiclone knocks me right out.

As an out patient they gave me olanzipine and cipralex and zopiclone. So far my at home anxiety has gone up my rage is gone down. My depression is at an all time low. I can't remember anything I lose entire weeks which with a new born baby makes me feel even worse.

Any advice would be appreciated

[SunnieDebris]

Hey there. What you're going through right now sounds rough. Have you ever had anger management problems before? It sounds like you could both benefit from marriage counseling to help your relationship, but I'd also suggest some solo work, such as individual or group therapy for yourself. Does the hospital have any kind of support group for families of premies? Are you under the care of a psychiatrist? It's important for you to have support while you are sorting things out. It may also help to have a plan of action for if those rage feelings happen again, such as, if my anger reaches a 7 out of 10, I will leave the house and go for a walk for at least 20 minutes.

[rcohn20]

My heart goes out to you. First-your wife had no right yelling at you while feeding the baby...she could've simply told you to do it a different way in a more sensitive tone.
You're under a massive amount of stress with a new born who needs lots of love and attention...plus I'm sure yours not sleeping as much.
Please for the sake of your baby---go to a psychologist and start the process of healing. As so should your wife. You deserve to feel healthy and strong and your baby deserves that in a dad. You should be rejoicing as this is an exciting time in your life! I don't want it to pass you by!
It will all work out...take it day by day and focus on the beauty of this new baby. You will get better-please take care of yourself as much as you can...your mental health is the most important thing right now.

[PanicCured]

My heart goes out to you. First-your wife had no right yelling at you while feeding the baby...she could've simply told you to do it a different way in a more sensitive tone.

Are you people nuts? He threw his wife across the room while holding his baby because she annoyed him and your heart goes out to him!

Listen, the only thing you can do to make this better, is not cutting yourself like an idiot or killing yourself, but to make yourself a better person. Go to Anger Management and treat your psychological issues and come out a new and much better person. That is how you can help. You hurt your wife, don't kill yourself and hurt her and others that know you even more. You really want to make everyone worse off, by killing yourself you will ruin your baby's entire life and your wife's. I have no sympathy for you how you are now but know that you can change to a better person. Then you can look back on this time as your past and in the future you can be a person who would never throw your wife or any woman especially while holding in infant. Deal with the guilt, process it, get therapy for a long time, and move forward to becoming a better person. As long as you learn and move on, in time, you can be healed and a changed man. Any real thoughts of suicide look at this thread below:

http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?14649-Suicide-and-Crisis-Hotlines

[rcohn20]

Are you people nuts? He threw his wife across the room while holding his baby because she annoyed him and your heart goes out to him!

Listen, the only thing you can do to make this better, is not cutting yourself like an idiot or killing yourself, but to make yourself a better person. Go to Anger Management and treat your psychological issues and come out a new and much better person. That is how you can help. You hurt your wife, don't kill yourself and hurt her and others that know you even more. You really want to make everyone worse off, by killing yourself you will ruin your baby's entire life and your wife's. I have no sympathy for you how you are now but know that you can change to a better person. Then you can look back on this time as your past and in the future you can be a person who would never throw your wife or any woman especially while holding in infant. Deal with the guilt, process it, get therapy for a long time, and move forward to becoming a better person. As long as you learn and move on, in time, you can be healed and a changed man. Any real thoughts of suicide look at this thread below:

http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?14649-Suicide-and-Crisis-Hotlines

No I'm not nuts...yea what he did wasn't right but I've been pushes over the edge before and I can sympathize with what drove him there! He needs to be helped not to be made to feel any worse than he does right now-what will that do for the situation?

[alankay]

Dan, have you seen a pdoc(psychiatrist) and been totally honest with all that's happened? Before assuming simple, anger mgmt will help I'd rule out bipolar disoder(just as a pure example), sleep architecture problem, PTSD, etc, and then look at anger mgmt. See sometimes folks consider symptoms the core problem when there is another core issue causing it all and needs to be addressed. First see if there is a core issue and then start there. If not, maybe anger mgmt is the place to start work. To do this right a good pdoc or psychologist needs to interview you, review everything(family history, etc) and you need to be absolutely honest. PM me any time. Alankay

[trinidiva]

Listen, the stress of dealing with a newborn is tough. The lack of sleep can cause you to say and do things you normally wouldn't do. Do either of you have a family member or even a close friend who can come and help you out with the baby so you guys can get a bit of a break?
Yeah, you definitely need to look into talking to someone about your anger and how to develop better coping issues. You seem like you are really sorry about what happened. Do the necessary work to ensure that it won't happen again.

[danreid82]

I understand the person that is angry with me for throwing my wife across the room. I have no right to hurt anyone I know that! I know killing myself is a cowardly way out and I get that it would hurt everyone except me. What I have to say in response is that I had a psychotic break! I was no longer in control of myself it was like watching a movie And the only way to come back reality was to beat my own face in. I never asked for sympathy it to be judged. Just help, advice or similar stories.

I am working with the hospital and my GP to get in with a psychiatrist but the lower mainland is full of wackos like me so I won't be getting in till the new year.

Also, I have signed up for online anger management and one on one counselling. My wife has agreed to join up with the counselling when it's appropriate.

Sometimes it's nice to get the words out. And thank you to everyone who replied and gave information and support.

[dazza]

>I understand the person that is angry with me for throwing my wife across the room. I have no right to hurt anyone I know that!

Oooh I dunno... some people are just so irritating they deserve to be thrown across a room, lol.
(Not that you should of course, I'm just saying... hyperthetically)

Just wondering what the actual problem is here... I mean, has this anger thing been around for years or just developed because of baby / current situation?
(History has a part to play in this)

If you've always been like this then, is it JUST with your missus, or others too?

If just with the missus and you're not generally an angry person, then perhaps it's just a symbol of the relationship at it's end?

The self-harming afterward is perhaps just a shock reaction to what you'd done, and not necessarily an indication anything more serious?

What's your own, personal diagnosis? I mean, what do you know / think is the problem here?

[danreid82]

No I have no right to ever hurt anyone. I'm 6'5" 245lbs. I could seriously hurt someone and I don't want to go to jail or. Back to the psych ward

I have no diagnosis. GAD, borderline personality disorder? Bipolar disorder, dissociativty depression have all been tossed around. It'd be nice to know what is wrong so I can start proper treatment

[dazza]

No I have no right to ever hurt anyone. I'm 6'5" 245lbs. I could seriously hurt someone and I don't want to go to jail or. Back to the psych ward

I have no diagnosis. GAD, borderline personality disorder? Bipolar disorder, dissociativty depression have all been tossed around. It'd be nice to know what is wrong so I can start proper treatment

We could ALL harm someone if we really wanted to. Anger can push anyone over the edge.

Did you have a bad childhood? or any other trauma to speak of which could have led you to where you are today?
Is it in the family?

It's a psychologist's job to diagnose you. This can take just a single, one hour visit.

[mikejwatson]

Dan, life can be hard, and we all do things we regret later. We do such things because we feel lost and confused, not because we're bad. I can tell from your posts that you have a good heart.

It's important to forgive yourself, while acknowledging that you are in a difficult and very confusing place right now. Accept where you are. I definitely recommend finding someone you trust such as a kind, trained professional for you to share your thoughts and feelings with at this time.

[SunnieDebris]

I had a psychotic break once, too. I screamed, yelled, said horrible things to my wife and mother-in-law, and just behaved completely deranged. I even threw my shoes. After I calmed down, my wife and I booked an immediate appointment with my therapist and psychiatrist. We told them both what happened, and I made amends the best that I could. I feel that I literally exorcized a demon in me that day. I think you know that we are both responsible for our actions on those days, and we are equally lucky to have a partner who is willing to forgive us, and even help us in our recovery. I'm glad to hear of all the progress you have made! Keep going! And good luck to the both of you.