Feel alone and want to die...

[Dough]

Hi my name is Doug.
I have never posted anything this personal about myself before but I have no one I can talk to about what's going on so I thought this may help...

I am 27 years old. I have 2 kids and 1 step child. I have had anxiety for awhile now. But recently it has been terrible. It has consumed my life for the last month or so. I had a drug problem in the past. I went to rehab to seek help. I lived in the rehab program for 9 months. After I got out I got married to my wife and now have the 2 kids I spoke of. This has been 7 years ago. I have been clean the whole time pretty much until around 9 months ago. All my friends turned on me. A friend that called me his brother also worked with me. He begged me all day at work to do him a favor by getting him a pill. So I did because he kept on and on and I thought I could trust him. He did this because he got in some trouble and to get out he made a deal with the police. So now I'm facing prison time. I'm scared to death about this. My kids are all I have and I don't think I can live with out them. My wife and I have problems to. She says she loves me still but she sleeps in a seperate room usually and we never have sex anymore. I try hard. Back runs etc. but anything else it's like she starts a fight to get out of the situation. I really dot know if she still loves me or not. So I have 5 people in my home yet I'm alone. I feel like death is only way out. I lay awake all night no sleep or food. I lay awake and I have prayed to god that I want to go asleep and never wake up. I have klonopin prescribed to me. That's only way I can sleep and that's if I take 4 or 5 at night. I am lost scared and very confused. I see no way out of this.

[SunnieDebris]

That sounds very frightening. I'm sorry to hear about your "friend's" behavior. It's just 1 pill and you didn't sell it to him, right? I don't understand why you're potentially facing prison. Is it a 3 strikes problem? Good for you for getting sober. Are you able to see a therapist? It sounds like you have a lot to talk about and some big decisions to make. Don't give up yet!

[Dough]

Well I went and got it for him. I took his money so there making it a "sale" and that is strike 2 really. When I was young before I went to rehab I sold drugs to support my habit. I deserved the trouble I go in then. Witch was house arrest 1 year and 2 years probation. I have tried so hard to be a good father. That's why I never sold any dope ever all these years. But when some one knows of your past and becomes close they learn how to pull your strings. He really begged me to do that for him. And I didn't want to and went against my best judgement and now I may be completely screwed. And the way my wife been acting I can't even talk to her. She just says your not goin to prison stop worrying. But she doesn't know that and neither do I. And to make this all worse a ex I haven't spoke to since I Been married has got in contact with me. She says she understands me and wants to help me and she is here for me. She is being more helpful than my wife. She wants me back in here life but I've been married 7 years an never cheated not even one time. But she is the only person I feel I can talk to so this make another problem. I have so much on my mind I could explode.

[rcohn20]

Your story breaks my heart! I know how you feel when others you once relied on fail you and when the anxiety to the point of not eating or sleeping. I've been there where I've prayed to not wake up in the morning!
Except unlike me...you have your children to live for...they need you love, protection, and support. They rely on you to feel secure in this world. And I know they love you! Losing you would devastate their worlds.
Please know bad times don't last! You will not always feel this way! Talk to your wife-express how this is all making you feel! You need her support and if she can't give it then the people in this forum will!
Have faith that you will avoid going to jail-I pray something comes to the surface on this guy and that the horrible thing he did to you comes back worse on him!
Please seek help-there are therapists who do care and want to help.
You'll be in my prayers-I know you can get better and you will come out of this!

[miss_mac666]

i think we all come to a point where we contemplate suicide, and thinking that death would be better. from the tiny bit i know about you, you seem to be a very strong man. you have been through so much already, why give up now? things get worse before they get better. stay strong and think about your kids who im sure idolize and love you to the moon and back. suicide, death are a cop out. use your strength, fight and keep fighting! it will all work out, im sure. go kiss your babies and tell them your not going anywhere. if you need help feel free to message :)

Claire

[Dough]

Thank ü guys so much. It really feels good to have some one say something nice to me. I don't know u guys at all and have made my night a little bit better. I am truly a emotional wreck. I am crying right now as I type. I've had this crap build up so long I couldn't take any more. I never cry. But when I read yalls posts something just made me loose it. thanks again.

[Saldav]

Thank ü guys so much. It really feels good to have some one say something nice to me. I don't know u guys at all and have made my night a little bit better. I am truly a emotional wreck. I am crying right now as I type. I've had this crap build up so long I couldn't take any more. I never cry. But when I read yalls posts somethingh just made me loose it. thanks again.

Hey bro I've been in your shoes with the anxiety not sleeping, overwhelmed, feel like I'm going to lose it or go crazy, and all the other symptoms anxiety comes with, I am married and have 3 boys and they are everything to me, be strong it will get better just don't give up! Your kids need you. The best thing you did was open up and talked to the forum about it. For me the best way of relieving anxiety is to have knowledge of the symptoms. most of us here suffer from anxiety/depression. So don't be afraid to talk.

Ps. Look in the stickies on this site for symptoms of anxiety. Read all of them and trust me you will feel some relief.

GOD GIVES HIS HARDEST BATTLES TO HIS STRONGEST SOLDIERS.

[jessed03]

Dough, your name is putting me in the mood for Pizza... Luckily I have a Chicago style waiting in my fridge. :)

I think it's so hard on this forum to give each other advice, or even help in finding direction in our lives. It just borders on unethical to try and 'cure' a person. Instead, I find giving sympathy, listening, and at best - sharing our stories, in the hope that they inspire awakenings in the person we tell them to, is the only way to be.

Dough, you're around the same age as myself. You have also experienced very similar emotions to all of us who have replied here. It's a very isolating thing to be surrounded by people, yet feel so soul-crushingly alone. Especially when you have lived with an open heart, and tried your best. Unfortunately, none of us can comment on the legal situation you are facing, we can only naturally wish you the best of luck with it. My call to respond to this post, was the part you mentioned about your wife. When going through any bought of mental stress, it can really strike a divide between members of any romantic relationship. It can, and has, driven many people to despair.

Loneliness, in my opinion, doesn't stem from having no people around, it comes - from being unable to communicate the things that we see as being important. Those things being love, affection, or our wishes for our loved ones life path.
When we feel anxiety, or any mental stress, or affilication; it unbalances us, from the inside. Whether you want to talk about it in a spiritual way and say 'we disconnect from our centre', or a psychological way, and say 'we lose our feeling of identity, and become lost', the principal is the same. You and your wife aren't on the same emotional wave length anymore. The wires have become completely crossed inside of you, and are manifesting themselves in your outer life (to a certain degree). But, I must, must, must, MUST stress - This is very temporary.
Somewhere along the line, something, perhaps even a chain of things, knocked you slightly out of balance. The truth is, it really doesn't matter what that thing was. The way you go about rectifying it is all that will matter in your life.
Stress, worry, anxiety, perhaps depression, any emotion you're feeling, is beleaguering your body. What I mean is, you are navigating - using an incorrect map. Thats why you, and myself, and others, reach that point where feel so unbearably lost. We rely so much on our thoughts, and emotions to direct us through life, that when, for some reason, they become off the boil, our direction alters too. We become like a drunken person, trying to walk straight.
When we feel any kind of mental or emotional disconnect, we, often without knowing, travel wrong paths. We travel wrong paths, and end up in unfavourable places, and so get more and more depressed, and - since it's our own map we're using, our self esteem reaches rock bottom. We try to connect with people using slightly inauthentic methods. We seek the wrong things, instead of love, we seek approval. We try to show and communicate things, but as our system isn't fluent, these messages inevitably rarely get where we intend them to. We change. But it's a reversable change.

Dough, you don't need to commit suicide. And please, for the sake of the 7 or so of us on here, if those thoughts get strong, seek the correct help. You have one of the most compassionate natures I've met on the forum.
What will happen, is you'll reconnect your compass. You'll calibrate it again. Your ability to navigate through problems will be far greater. You won't be overwhelmed, your creativity will improve. Right now, you're not properly connected through life. You're in this detached, mental anguish. You've lost faith in whats giving you that direction. This isn't your fault.. It may take time. It will take lots of work. It will even take time to find which path works for you - there are so many, wrack peoples brains on here that have recovered. Quiz your therapist, they have many success stories. As you heal yourself emotionally and mentally, your body and mind will connect back into life automatically. It was designed to be like that.
Think of trying to shoot an rifle, with the eyepiece twisted. You'd do everything in your power to shoot bad guys, yet unwittingly take out good ones instead. I feel this happened to me with my girlfriend of the time. Everything good I tried to do, just made it worse.

If I give you even a tiny bit of hope that deep change can occur, then this post wasn't in vain.

Don't sweat the crying dough, it's washing out all the bad stuff. :)

[SunnieDebris]

Well I went and got it for him. I took his money so there making it a "sale" and that is strike 2 really. When I was young before I went to rehab I sold drugs to support my habit. I deserved the trouble I go in then. Witch was house arrest 1 year and 2 years probation. I have tried so hard to be a good father. That's why I never sold any dope ever all these years. But when some one knows of your past and becomes close they learn how to pull your strings. He really begged me to do that for him. And I didn't want to and went against my best judgement and now I may be completely screwed. And the way my wife been acting I can't even talk to her. She just says your not goin to prison stop worrying. But she doesn't know that and neither do I. And to make this all worse a ex I haven't spoke to since I Been married has got in contact with me. She says she understands me and wants to help me and she is here for me. She is being more helpful than my wife. She wants me back in here life but I've been married 7 years an never cheated not even one time. But she is the only person I feel I can talk to so this make another problem. I have so much on my mind I could explode.

My advice would be to get a good lawyer. I think that is the best way to try to keep you from going to prison. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but it is not a good idea to talk with your ex. It would be very easy to fall into the trap of cheating. I'm sorry that your wife is not more supportive, but maybe she's scared and can't face the possibility. Go to the lawyer together so that she understands the possibilities. Good luck and please keep in touch with us.

[trinidiva]

I feel terribly for what you are going through.
I agree with the others, talking to the ex is not a good idea...it can lead to more problems. I'm sure you've done this, but if not, its time to sit down with your wife, when its just the two of you, and bare your soul to her. If you cry, you cry...from her how scared and overwhelmed you are feeling about this situation and tell her that you need her support, emotionally, right now. I'm really pulling for you.
As far as the legal stuff, I truly feel that judges want to see remorse. If you show remorse for making the wrong choice and admit you made a mistake to help a friend, perhaps things may work out. I'm not in the legal profession, but as a human being, you can see when someone is really sorry for the mistake they made, and that had to stand for something.

[PanicCured]

Death is not the answer! The answer is working this all out while living. Life is a spiritual journey and you need to go through the bad to get to the good. Don't ever give up! You have hope and you can be better. 100% guaranteed you can get better!
If you have suicidal thoughts call a Crisis/Suicide Hotline in your country or if in the US or you want to call long distance to America if you are outside of America, you can call:
1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-784-2433
They are crisis experts and will be there for you.

[Dough]

Thanks guys for the good responses. I have really took all y'all said to heart and apply it. I left home and stayed with my dad a couple days. I'm back home now for about 5 days now. I am doing a lot better. I went back to my doctor that I was seeing. I got back on suboxone to stay off opioids and they fixed my klonopin dosage. Now I can work through the day feeling fine. And now i can actually sleep at night. My only problem is the law thing. That of course will never fully be off my mind till court comes but I guess that's anyone. Well then of course there is Christmas witch is a huge stress on most Americans lol but we will handle that. Thanks again everyone for your kind words and helpfull responses. If I can ever help anyone here I will. I have learn a lot how to deal with these issues and will help anyone Incan. Incan even call I ü need. Thanks guys.

Dough

[funkstarsista]

It was entrapment by your so called friend, so I wouldn't sweat it.
Stay away from your Ex, stop all communication, stay out of temptations way, breaking up your family will only cause more stress for you.
Tell your wife, I need your love, support and friendship right now, I feel so alone and vulnerable right now. Spill your guts to her, if she has a heart she will give you some love.
All the best, stay strong and try not to catastrophize.
ps
I am the child of a mother who committed suicide, you may think it's the only way out but mark my words you will damage your children and then they will carry that pain into the next generation and so it goes on and on.

[PanicCured]

You arre just thinking worst case scenario. It may end up working out.
You will only cause many people an immense amount of pain if you kill yourself. DO not do it!

Call these hotlines:

http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?14649-Suicide-and-Crisis-Hotlines&highlight=suicide

[Lighter]

Need a friend message me

[Zuena]

Doug, without perjuring yourself - did they actually catch you buying the pill? Or did anyone see you? Sounds very fishy that this guy can just "make a deal" with the police, just like that. Why don't you speak to someone who knows what is going on and get the entire story so you can stop stressing about it and focus on the next issue that you need to work on? Oh, and take a good lawyer.

Zuena