How i can make the world a better place.

[ready to check out]

Used to be happy to be alive. Didn't believe in anxiety and depression. Apparently they believe in me. I am tired. Meds are a joke. No one can understand the pain. Even the many docs I've seen think I'm a loser. I try to over compensate by doing anything and everything for people just to try and get them to even want to have anything to do with me. But the truth is I have ruined their lives by my very existence. No one would miss me. Sure they say they would just to be kind. I would be doing more to help them by being gone. It would put them out of their misery of having to deal with me. I don't blame anyone. I don't like the person I am either. For most people by them being in it the world is a much better place. For the world it will be a much better place without me in it.

[SunnieDebris]

What's going on with you? Can you tell us more about your struggle? I think you will find that you can really relate to people here, and they can relate to you. Give us a chance.

[ready to check out]

Not much to tell. I find that even those who seem to suffer the same symptom as me think I'm thrown off and don't want to be bothered. I just really wrote this on here to find a way to say it could be getting to be time. Without me having to burden the people around by inconveniencing them.

[SunnieDebris]

I recently had to quit my job. On the way home from work a few days prior, I thought all was lost. I thought about my wife, and our house, and the thought of doing something to risk those things was overwhelming. I thought about ending it all. I thought of driving up in the mountains, going for a hike, and never being seen again. But I decided to just wait a day or two. I thought I could always kill myself later, if I decided that things sucked that hard. And we worked it out. Maybe I don't know exactly where you're coming from, but I think a lot of people here can relate to your struggles in some way. You're not inconveniencing anyone here. Talk to us.

[ready to check out]

In less than a year thanks to being unstable. I walked out on my job of 20 yrs. walked out on my wife of 15 yrs. Walked away from my church home of 16 yrs that I ran an effective youth program in.. Grew up in a large family of tough guys yet cry like a baby for no reason. Made a friend that made through it all who seems to nmake this imperfect world make sense. Calls the sun out of the darkness. But I managed to let my illness, although she's too kind to admit it, make her life worse than she could have possibly imaged. Effectively blowing any chance of having anything special with the one who fills my dreams. So you see messing up lives is what I do best.

[SunnieDebris]

Being unstable makes us do crazy things. Seeking out assistance through medication and therapy can make a big difference. Have you been to your doctor to let him/her know what's going on? Have you given therapy any thought, or tried it? Our past doesn't have to define our futures.

[ready to check out]

Been to four different doctors. Three were crazier than me. And the fourth one recommended I go to #4

[SunnieDebris]

I'm sorry you had such bad luck with your doctors. Were these medical doctors or therapists?

[ready to check out]

I've seen both therapists and doctors. One even told my wife to give up on me because i will never get better. that I am a lost cause after i met him once. She reported him to the insurance network that was paying for our sessions. Today is a better day. My best friend talked me off that proverbial ledge.

[SunnieDebris]

What a crap doctor! I'm glad that you are feeling better. The reason I was asking is because there are a lot of poor therapists who think a lot of themselves, and it sometimes takes work to find one that doesn't suck. It doesn't sound like you've had much better luck with medical doctors, either. Are you and your wife now together? I read that you ended things with her, but then you wrote that the doctors told her inappropriate things, so I'm not sure now. Can you update us?

[SunnieDebris]

I'm sorry that you've had such a rough time. Are you still with your wife? You wrote that you left her, but then that the doctor said to give up on you, so I'm not sure. I'm glad that you are able to feel some sense of relief on some days. That helps to not feel completely hopeless.

[ready to check out]

Sorry I never replied. No my wife and I never reconciled. I guess the doc was right after all that she should give up on me. Wish I could have helped her understand. But I don't blame her. I was a burden for her anyway I'm sure.

[Sedigive]

Sorry I never replied. No my wife and I never reconciled. I guess the doc was right after all that she should give up on me. Wish I could have helped her understand. But I don't blame her. I was a burden for her anyway I'm sure.

You doing any better? I have been off this site for awhile and just read these threads.

[ready to check out]

Some days I'm good some days like today I update my goodbye letter. It's therapy for me to rewrite it to make it current. One day I will use it and will want it to be up to date when that time comes. Gonna be a lot of happy people when that day comes. Their burden will be lifted. I researched today how to make it no cost to anyone. Donating to science is the best method I found. Next step is to find the least messiest yet most effective way. I don't want anyone to have to waste time having to clean up anything. Then location will be next on my list. I want a place that is not noticeable. Again don't want people inconvenienced Time is getting short. There will be a few more loose ends to tie up but I'm getting there.

[Beccayn]

Hope you are doing better "today" Let's just take everything one day at a time. Life is overwhelming enough sometimes. In reading this thread, a thought crossed my mind. In writing your goodbye letter, can you think of good things or experiences with whomever this letter will be left to? If that answer is yes, I want you to know that those people will grieve the loss, the loss of YOU. The memories will stop and no more to be made. Tragic. I just lost a dear friend who had given up, I want to tell you that he had given up on himself but what he didn't realize is his family/friends (including those he was no longer in contact with) had not given up on him. Being on the outside of you and your mind, some people think that "he knows I love him" and I will give him time to get his life straightened out) I am haunted by the things I didn't say and I am convinced that you have people in your life that you THINK have given up on you but it's You that has given up as you have said. I am so glad you found this site to talk to people, some of which will understand and some will not. Such is true out in the "real" world too.
I don't even know you but want to tell you that you are worth something. Your life has value! Maybe a little volunteer work somewhere with....kids or seniors or animals.....or a group setting where you can talk or even just listen to others going through and fighting their own demons. You will realize there, that you are not alone. I do hope you are doing better today and wish you a great day tomorrow!!

[ready to check out]

Doing a little better knowing I have more details worked out. I'm sure people are hoping I'll stop wasting time and space and just do it already. But I want all the loose ends tied up first. Today the news of someone found that was missing gave me a great idea of a fool proof way to do it. I also have a location now. It will make it impossible to ever find anything left of this pile of nothing. Also will make it impossible for me to back out. As far as leaving the letter with someone, I'm not sure who. I have an idea but they probably won't really care anyway. Stopping the memories of me would be a good thing since the only memories I give anyone are bad. You see the people that know me try everything they can to avoid me at all costs because I screw everything up and make them miserable. If not for the letter most would probably not even mind not having to hear from me. They probably would just thank God that the loser finally stopped texting them. Makes me think not leaving the letter would be best to keep from wasting anyone's time to have to read it. I should be gone before the end of the summer. At least that's my hopes. Thanks for asking.