My first (very long and brutally honest) post.

[cosmophilia]

This might be a little lengthy.
I'm Raven and I am 16 years old.
I've been struggling with the usual depression/anxiety combo for a very long time. I have injured myself on multiple occasions, and have had many panic attacks. I am extremely apathetic towards life, and I have no long-term goals. I have this thing where I'm desperate to get out of the house and do something, but I don't want to because I have bad social anxiety and I get very paranoid in public places. Oddly enough, my friends and family see me as a very outgoing person. I can be very loud, witty, funny, and all-together a fun person to be around. I feel as though I am two different people. One person is very scared of life, very anxious, quiet, depressed confused and lonely, and the other person is vivacious, lively and ready to take on the world. I haven't gotten my driver's license yet because I am very afraid of driving, and I haven't gotten a job because I get nervous talking to people (although you could never tell, externally I seem extremely confident in the presence of strangers). My grades are okay, but I could do better. I'm always too tired to study or do homework, or I procrastinate. There are two voices in my head that are always battling each other. Every thought, idea, or opinion I have, something in my head says "Why would you do that? Why are you thinking that? That's ridiculous." It is getting extremely frustrating. My moods fluctuate drastically, all the time. Sometimes I will feel insanely confident in myself, like I'm better than everyone around me. Other times, I will loathe myself entirely. I drink a lot of alcohol whenever I have the chance, or smoke marijuana. I am willing to do other drugs if they're accessible. My mind is desperate to be in a different state. My relationships with others are always unusual. It's either I feel superior to them, to a point where I don't have much respect for them, or I feel inferior to them, to a point where I get angry at myself and I don't want to associate with that person. I idolize as well. I create an idea of someone in my mind and "fall in love" with the idea, but not the person. The thought of being romantically invested in someone else makes me uncomfortable. I have been known to do some promiscuous things (though I have only had sex once, under the influence of alcohol), and I have a history of taking my clothes off on webcam for strangers. I isolate myself from others frequently. I try to cry to make myself feel better, but I feel nothing. I'm slowly losing every emotion I once felt. I care about what others think of me too much. I try to please and impress everyone. My personality changes depending on who I am with. I want to die but I want to know what it's like to live without all of these things tearing me apart. I am miserable. Based on this description, what is wrong with me and how can I help myself?

[AceParadox]

Oh boy. Sounds to me like you're struggling to figure out who you truly are, like who you're meant to be. A bit like how I used to be. I could be quiet shy, blah and then I could be the most outgoing and fun person ever. But, I don't know which one I truly am. So I just find a happy in between.

If I may suggest that you stay away from any illegal drugs, as they are likely to make things 1000000000x worse. One thing we like to try and work towards here is getting rid of stimulants and things that can work with anxiety to make it worse. I gave up smoking weed, caffiene, and drinking with friends to cure mine. Was hard but it worked. Now I can drink again with friends but only in small amounts. But during times of anxiety, all those things usually work against you.

I'd also not take off your clothes on webcam and stuff like that. VERY dangerous things can happen through that. Girls have been destroyed through that.

The first thing you have to ask yourself is what are you willing to do to get better? How far will you go? Will you quit drugs and drinking and posing on cam and stuff to get better? I've been in the position where I cared about what people thought of me too, infact I still kind of do even though I tell myself not to. I'm getting better at just saying "This is who I am, I'm gunna be all that I can be and not care what any one else thinks" and that's really what you gotta do. Just sit infront of the mirror and just look and say "This is me. How I am when I'm doing whatever I enjoy is who I am and who I'm supposed to be. I won't change to please others because they won't change to please me."

You might feel the whole world is cold and gray. But slowly, once you start rebuilding yourself, you'll start to feel the warmth of the sun again. You'll feel the warm fuzzy feeling inside. Don't give up.

[bee0907]

I will also try your suggestion, AceParadox. Thank you for sharing

[jhunter89]

You sound almost exactly like me except I don't/wont take my clothes off for strangers :/

[alankay]

Bipolar disorder perhaps. Maybe rapid cycling. Consider lithium(or depakote) post haste and a consult with a pdoc.....rapidly. My Dad was bipolar.....bless his heart as I loved him very much. Alankay

[alankay]

Let me guess. Does your mind race? Do you have all the "answers"?? Then crash later?? Alankay

[cosmophilia]

yes! it is CONSTANTLY racing, I can hardly keep up

[Saldav]

yes! it is CONSTANTLY racing, I can hardly keep up

You sound like a very intelligent person, and the smartest thing to do is

[agraves911]

Hey, you should seek a therapist or counselor. They can be extremely helpful. You need help, no one can deal with this all my themselves. It took me so long to ask for help. Lease don't do the same thing. You need to find someone you trust and ask for help.