Hello!

[anreider]

My name's Ashley. I'm 26, recent college grad working in healthcare. I've suffered from anxiety and depression since I was 21. I was a D1 athlete, loved everything about it and was making tremendous strides, but at the peak of my career, was suffering severe back pain. I had always been a hardcore athlete, it was all I knew. I found out I had a tumor on my spinal cord. Still competed after working my ass of and did better than anyone would have imagined. First meet back though, I tore my UCL in my elbow. Still competed because I worked so hard after back surgery, there wasn't any other option in my mind. I don't regret it. It's the "why me" that I'm still bitter about. I know I'm not alone, it's just hard to find someone who understands. I never had many friends because I was always training instead of being social. Being shy doesn't help. Don't get me wrong, I've done alright for myself...superficially, great job, great fam, great puppies. However, I've just never been able to let go of the bitterness, and the everyday pain doesn't help. Since my back surgery I had my elbow, knee, and ankle surgery. I just think if it weren't for that tumor, hell, I could have at least gone to the past two Olympic trials, which had always been my dream. I knew I was never going to make the team. The other girls were just so good, and I love them, they're sweethearts. I settled on at least the trials. The bitterness just eats at me and have been stuck in a hole. I manage to get out every now and then, but the first hint of hurdle sends me back into the very bottom and I start over...I hope that I can meet others and help in any way I can, and maybe that will help me.

[alankay]

Ashley, I hear you. I was studying to be an Air Force pilot when anxiety started to rear it's ugly head. I flew for a while but anxiety/panic started to creep up and I knew It was not safe for me to keep flying even the small Cessnas's so I quit. I felt utterly defeated and defective. That was years ago and I now realize........well I am more than just that one dream of a "lives path" and accepted that perhaps God(yes I am spiritual) has another path for me. My goal is not to ask questions about life, but to absolutley make the best I can of it with who I am. Believe me even the strongest and healthiest have their demons that they must grapple with. We ALL do. Anxiety might be part of you but it's not who you are. Try to make to best of it all in every way despite your shortcomings(you also have unique strengths). Part of that is helping others with anxiety with what I have learned for over 30 years of managing my anxiety and learning all I can about it and jumping into these forums. I sure wish they had them back when I first started suffering from anxiety but no matter..............others can still benefit. Alankay.