Confused Boyfriend

[softtouch]

I have been seeing my girlfriend for one and a half years. To me everything was fine up until recently. She is the most fantastic person i ever met and it is like i have known her forever. But she has led a secret life from me in that it was never explained to me by her that she had extreme anxiety . She hid that well with excuses and other tactics.
Anyway recently due to addictions , sickness, and other reasons she was completely taken off her medicines. They are now trying to find that magic pill that can get her back on tract. However i have lost her to the point where she will not see me at all even though i have made it very clear that i love her and would do anything too help.
She does not leave the house and she does have one safe person. It did get to the point that she would seldom answer my phone calls or even reply to my text messages i think because my wanting to see her put too much pressure on her. I am completely heartbroken because in her time of need i am not wanted. Yet her text messages spoke of her great love for me.
Recently i just could not hold back and made the mistake of going to her home and asked to be invited in or we could meet somewhere. I left the area without any confrontation since that was never my intention. We have not spoken or texted each other since then. I was so devastated that i cannot bring myself to call as i am of the opinion that she does not want me. Thus i am honoring her wishes.

So where do i go from here ?

[jessr421]

i would just sit tight and try to wait it out for her,
i mean continue your efforts, but once they find the right medication for her, she will be back to "herself" and hopefully will then stop being so withdrawn to you. right now she is probably just so confused , depressed, embarresed and who knows what else, so she is pushing you away!....
good luck, keep us posted!
she needs you right now!

[softtouch]

Thank you for your reply. When i tried so hard to give her what i thought was support by being with her it was not received well. I feel like i have abandoned her. Something totally against my nature for the people i love and care about.
How do i keep the lines of communication open ? By the way she has used all those words and more to discribe how she feels. I also believe that she believes i have some knowledge or information that even she does not want to disclose.

[jessr421]

i honestly don't know how you can keep the communication open
its up to her... she might not feel worthy of you right now... meaning shes depressed... probably doesnt fell that she deserves to be with someone who is so caring and dedicated..
shes only going to let you in when she wants to..
if she is NOT talking to you... write a letter, do what ever you got to do to stay in her life, she needs you now and it seems you love her a lot
let her know you wont judge her, you just want to learn ...
hopefully someone who has been in her situation more specifically will reply to your post
i wish you luck!...you should tell her to join this forum to be able to talk it out!

[TraderTif]

*nodding*

I agree, write letters or email her. That might be a good way to communicate.

I know that when my anxiety was at its worst, I pushed away people who were trying to help. Sometimes, when you're going through that sort of thing, you can intrepret "help" as "pressure", and it can feel overwhelming!!

Tif =8-)

[softtouch]

Thanks so much for your reply . Thank you for the words because i have been stuggling to find them. But yes i see myself as someone trying very hard to help and she sees that only as pressure. It is very difficult for me to see her this way and not just step in and take on some of the burden if that were possible.

[softtouch]

The other day i really wanted to do something good for her and make a difference. I wanted to find a way to improve the life she is leading at the moment. So i went out and purchased a load of groceries taking into account that she has special needs when it comes to diet. I arrived early and left them plus a letter on her deck so as not to upset her . Then i left the area without her even knowing i had been there.

I know she knows where they came from but i have not heard a single word from her. I guess i really do not need the thanks but it would have been comforting to me.

Plus my confidence level is so low now that i feel like maybe she does not want me at all. Which i know is part of the problem since she is in no mood or condition to stroke my EGO.

[softtouch]

She called at 1:30 am . It was the first time in a very long time that we talked. It was great and i left with a positive attitude that things would fall into place . I told her how much she is loved by myself and others. I really feel that we are on right the path . Perhaps when i get a chance i can be more detailed . At least now i am filled with hope for the future.

[Tainted_Halo]

Just be careful to not be 'too much' with her. She will feel like she is in the spotlight, and that won't help her.
The way you are going is really good. Please don't push it or you will loose her. I have lost a lot of people because of that.

Just my advice :)

[softtouch]

Just be careful to not be 'too much' with her. She will feel like she is in the spotlight, and that won't help her.
The way you are going is really good. Please don't push it or you will loose her. I have lost a lot of people because of that.

Just my advice :)


Thank-you for your reply . This is why i have come to this forum . I came here for advice since i really have nobody to talk to. I also want to limit the circle of friends who actually know what is going on to protect her. Generally they are not of much help anyway since most cannot comprehend how hard it is for her to change what she cannot change. More often than not though their concern is more for me because they know i am not the same of late.

Do you mean "spotlight" as in the center of attention ? That she could begin to feel that she gets more attention from others by staying where she is.

By "push it" do you mean as in me putting too much pressure on her to change ?

[sameBoat]

Hey man,

Sorry to hear about your situation. You sound like the type of guy she will not easily forget because you are very supporting and right for her.

But trust me when I say that people that have extreme anxiety live in a world of their own while they are going through hard times. For someone with anxiety issues, it is really really hard to let people help cos it is not something that people without anxiety can really understand. It is wierd. I try and tell my girlfriends and they are awesome and love to comfort me and they go out of their way to help me as best they know but from my perspective (having had anxiety issues for 14 years) it is not enough. It doesn't mean she feels any different about you. You have to understand that. When she levels out, she'll be back in your arms imediately i promise. Best thing you can do is try and let her know every now and then that you are waiting for her and that she can call you anytime if she needs you. But don't push her or desperately try and get close to her like you were without her making that move first. If you do, I bet she will repel you and it will make it worse. Please dont take this harshly, i am giving advice no threats. You sounds like a true gentleman and i hope she gets better right away and goes back to you as you were.

I bet she is very embarrassed and low right now, but only she can come through it. you can only wait. its not like a broken leg.

thats my advice. good luck i am sure it'll be ok. when she levels out let her talk about it and take it from there.

good luck my man.

[softtouch]

Thanks for your post sameBoat. Actually it did remind me to fill in on a few things since my last post.

Well things are coming along very well and i really would like to thank this Forum for giving me the insight that i needed to understand what was going on in her life.

Yes it is not perfect but we are working on it. We are getting stronger by the day. She really is moving in the right direction to regain her freedom by doing things i know she sees as a risk.

Just the other day she really wanted to shop a certain store and i was going to leave her at the mall by herself for one hour. She felt up to it and i arrived back in the hour. She was a little out of sorts when i arrived and was not real happy about how she felt and told me of her negative experience / feelings. What i did was turned that upside down and explained to her that what this really was is a positive turn of events. That by taking this risk and surviving the ordeal she had moved that much closer to winning back her personal freedom. I wanted her to dwell on what she had gained and use that as a stepping stone to other acts of courage.

Anyway there are some great things happening and i just pray the wheels keep in motion.

[sameBoat]

well done mate, that is exactly the best way to have handeled it. she is lucky to have you by her side. thanks.

[dawn]

First of all I just read your message and wanted to say it's sweet that you are so understanding because I think a lot of people would just not understand what she is going through and make her feel even worse. She is probably embarrassed more than anything, it is clear by what you have said that she really cares about you Im sure this is even more difficult for her than you think. I myself am actually just realizing that I have anxiety, and it is unexplainably horrible to live with. Although no two cases are the same, Im sure I feel alot like your gf, and even with my bf, although I can hang out with him and do not keep myself in the house all the time, I often feel nervous and uncomfortable even though I am not at all (if that makes any sense lol) I would explain anxiety from my point of view being that you feel one way inside but your body and mind and actions are sort of acting without your wanting them to and you cant control it. It is extremely frustrating and hard to know how to deal with. But way to go for you sticking by her that is what love really is, being there for someone even if you do not really understand what they are going through and you do not know what to do. I wouldnt say you did anything wrong, and even by actaully going to her house, you were just trying to help, if anything if I were her I would rather that than you to have just backed off completely or snubbed her or something, because this is not something that is her fault, and it is obvious that you understand that. Anyways good luck, stay by her side, there is help out there Im sure she will be feeling better soon, I hope I do as well lol.

Take care.

[greenleaf]

*nodding*

I agree, write letters or email her. That might be a good way to communicate.

I know that when my anxiety was at its worst, I pushed away people who were trying to help. Sometimes, when you're going through that sort of thing, you can intrepret "help" as "pressure", and it can feel overwhelming!!

Tif =8-)

I completely agree. I like the letters because they are more personal. :)