Pandora
04-06-2007, 10:06 AM
I don't even know where to start here, and the beginning seems so far away. So, ill begin with this. I'm 34 and Canadian, I am currently living in the UK with my english husband who i met online.
I've always, well as long as i can remember, suffered from Social Anxiety and Depression. About ten years ago things had come to a head for me and i attempted to kill myself, though i know now it was not a genuine attempt simply a cry for help. I took all the pills I could find in the house and slit my wrists. I was married at the time to my first husband who found me and brought me to the hospital. I got a counsellor, was given medication and life went on so to speak. Things were never normal for me.....what IS normal anyways?? but for the next 6ish years i found my little bubble I could live in. I stayed in the same area, I never took a bus, found work where i could walk there etc etc, im sure you know what im talking about. Things werent great, but i dont think people like me ever expect them to be. I made myself a nice safe zone and stuck with it without even realising I was doing it. And was better, so i thought.
Obviously my first husband and I divorced and about a year later I met my now husband in an internet chat room. Sounds ominous huh? It wasnt really, hes probably a great guy, with someone who doesnt have my issues. So, I ended up moving to the UK to be with him. I knew this would be hard for me but never in a million lifetimes could I have imagined just how hard it was. High on new found love and the promise of a new start away from everything I had thought was my problems I never let the fear make me wonder.
Its now been a year that I've been here and this man who loved me so much, hates me. This life I thought would be a great new start is ending. I havent been able to go out to work, I tried for just about two months and panicked to the point I thought I would die, I cried on my lunches, alot of days I just didnt go. I struggled to even go to the corner store at first. Going places alone is just about impossible and im so lonely all of the time. The hospital informs me now that im Agoraphobia. Like all of us here havent been to every web page there is searching for the meaning to our misery and having a title will make it better.
Financially we cannot survive any longer, and he resents me for that. He feels that I have done nothing to contribute to this marriage....but be a burden. He really doesnt understand what I deal with and I suppose there are millions just like him the world over. I'm sure Im the not first to hear, 'you lazy 'bi*%$' or that im a loser and why dont i get over it. Doesn't he get that I want to work and I hate feeling like this?
I've started cutting myself more and more frequently, my body is starting to look like a grid map. And i have asked for help, I am currently on a waiting list for CBT but apparently that list is 'very long' its been 6 months and no word. I have started taking my Cipralex again, though i dont find it is helping much. I was going to go back to the doctor and ask for something else and ask for some interim counselling of any sort til the CBT panned out, but things have gotten out of control here.
He says its too late and nothing i do now matters.
So, im in England and i have no one. Im about to be homeless. I had asked my parents for a loan to pay the bills this month, at first they said no but that they would get me a ticket home. Then they agreed to send the money, but i was told thats it now im on my own. My parents are not the most understanding of why i am the way i am either, to them 'im an adult' im on my own. The money obviously was not enough for him. Now I have no where to go here and no where to go in Canada, and well no way to get anywhere anyways. Im at my wits end. I cant stop crying and my chest feels like its about to explode, I have no idea when i last really slept. Yet for all of that, its losing the man i love so dearly thats killing me. I know I am not easy to live with, and I know that most of our issues are because of me. I just needed some support and a little bit longer then a year i guess. Being here is so hard. I hope the rest of you have someone who respects your feelings if not understands them, someone you can count on to never ridicule you. Someone who no matter what, will not abandon you. I wish that for anyone feeling as i do.
Sigh, well i dont quite know what the point of writing any of this is, i suppose I just ran out of options. Im a very closed person and perhaps thats half my problem, i hate to ask for help and never tell those around me whats really wrong.
Forgive me for needing some ears today.
I've always, well as long as i can remember, suffered from Social Anxiety and Depression. About ten years ago things had come to a head for me and i attempted to kill myself, though i know now it was not a genuine attempt simply a cry for help. I took all the pills I could find in the house and slit my wrists. I was married at the time to my first husband who found me and brought me to the hospital. I got a counsellor, was given medication and life went on so to speak. Things were never normal for me.....what IS normal anyways?? but for the next 6ish years i found my little bubble I could live in. I stayed in the same area, I never took a bus, found work where i could walk there etc etc, im sure you know what im talking about. Things werent great, but i dont think people like me ever expect them to be. I made myself a nice safe zone and stuck with it without even realising I was doing it. And was better, so i thought.
Obviously my first husband and I divorced and about a year later I met my now husband in an internet chat room. Sounds ominous huh? It wasnt really, hes probably a great guy, with someone who doesnt have my issues. So, I ended up moving to the UK to be with him. I knew this would be hard for me but never in a million lifetimes could I have imagined just how hard it was. High on new found love and the promise of a new start away from everything I had thought was my problems I never let the fear make me wonder.
Its now been a year that I've been here and this man who loved me so much, hates me. This life I thought would be a great new start is ending. I havent been able to go out to work, I tried for just about two months and panicked to the point I thought I would die, I cried on my lunches, alot of days I just didnt go. I struggled to even go to the corner store at first. Going places alone is just about impossible and im so lonely all of the time. The hospital informs me now that im Agoraphobia. Like all of us here havent been to every web page there is searching for the meaning to our misery and having a title will make it better.
Financially we cannot survive any longer, and he resents me for that. He feels that I have done nothing to contribute to this marriage....but be a burden. He really doesnt understand what I deal with and I suppose there are millions just like him the world over. I'm sure Im the not first to hear, 'you lazy 'bi*%$' or that im a loser and why dont i get over it. Doesn't he get that I want to work and I hate feeling like this?
I've started cutting myself more and more frequently, my body is starting to look like a grid map. And i have asked for help, I am currently on a waiting list for CBT but apparently that list is 'very long' its been 6 months and no word. I have started taking my Cipralex again, though i dont find it is helping much. I was going to go back to the doctor and ask for something else and ask for some interim counselling of any sort til the CBT panned out, but things have gotten out of control here.
He says its too late and nothing i do now matters.
So, im in England and i have no one. Im about to be homeless. I had asked my parents for a loan to pay the bills this month, at first they said no but that they would get me a ticket home. Then they agreed to send the money, but i was told thats it now im on my own. My parents are not the most understanding of why i am the way i am either, to them 'im an adult' im on my own. The money obviously was not enough for him. Now I have no where to go here and no where to go in Canada, and well no way to get anywhere anyways. Im at my wits end. I cant stop crying and my chest feels like its about to explode, I have no idea when i last really slept. Yet for all of that, its losing the man i love so dearly thats killing me. I know I am not easy to live with, and I know that most of our issues are because of me. I just needed some support and a little bit longer then a year i guess. Being here is so hard. I hope the rest of you have someone who respects your feelings if not understands them, someone you can count on to never ridicule you. Someone who no matter what, will not abandon you. I wish that for anyone feeling as i do.
Sigh, well i dont quite know what the point of writing any of this is, i suppose I just ran out of options. Im a very closed person and perhaps thats half my problem, i hate to ask for help and never tell those around me whats really wrong.
Forgive me for needing some ears today.