wreckingball
09-27-2012, 06:58 PM
Hi... Lately I've been trying to find a decent forum to help with anxiety. Normally I'd just sit back and read posts by others to force myself into seeing that I'm not alone. But my panic attacks are at a stage now where I am pulling at straws for help.
I have a great life; lovely family, loads of friends, decent job, and amazing partner. But I've never felt happy, not depressed, but just not happy. Panic attacks aren't new to me, but constant intrusive unwanted thoughts are, and after nearly a year I've pretty much had enough. Although they come and go, the feeling of self awareness, constant tension is ever present. I never feel relaxed as I am always just waiting. Or dissecting the intrusive thoughts until i can manifest them into some serious psychological illness and ironically leads to a panic attack. I'm irritated because I know I'm doing this to myself, I understand it all, I know how it looks, but I can't stop it, or help myself. I'm anxious because I can't control the intrusive thoughts. That is what I can't deal with. And they aren't pretty thoughts, they are often involving hurting the people I hold closest to me. I would never do this. But the thoughts are so vivid. I'm scared of what makes people snap one day, of losing control. It's paralysing and often times, before I stop myself, I can see myself pushing people away from me, in some strange subconscious way perhaps trying to protect them, for a ridiculous reason my over active brain has manifested to keep me awake at night.
What a read. My apologies, this is the first vent in years for me, and it came out all at once.
I don't expect help, I suppose I might simply feel comforted knowing that I'm not an isolated nutter.
I have a great life; lovely family, loads of friends, decent job, and amazing partner. But I've never felt happy, not depressed, but just not happy. Panic attacks aren't new to me, but constant intrusive unwanted thoughts are, and after nearly a year I've pretty much had enough. Although they come and go, the feeling of self awareness, constant tension is ever present. I never feel relaxed as I am always just waiting. Or dissecting the intrusive thoughts until i can manifest them into some serious psychological illness and ironically leads to a panic attack. I'm irritated because I know I'm doing this to myself, I understand it all, I know how it looks, but I can't stop it, or help myself. I'm anxious because I can't control the intrusive thoughts. That is what I can't deal with. And they aren't pretty thoughts, they are often involving hurting the people I hold closest to me. I would never do this. But the thoughts are so vivid. I'm scared of what makes people snap one day, of losing control. It's paralysing and often times, before I stop myself, I can see myself pushing people away from me, in some strange subconscious way perhaps trying to protect them, for a ridiculous reason my over active brain has manifested to keep me awake at night.
What a read. My apologies, this is the first vent in years for me, and it came out all at once.
I don't expect help, I suppose I might simply feel comforted knowing that I'm not an isolated nutter.