Trial separation

[kmarie30]

Hy husband and I after 15 years are doing a trial separation. We hurt each other with these emotional out outbursts it seems every month or so and I didn't know what else to do. Ever since our son was born we can't seem to reconnect on a positive level. My anxiety drove us further I'm sure I know I've lost myself and I want him in my life. So does he. I made the decision and I'm having the hardest time dealing with it. I blame myself. For years I e thought he didn't love me enough and I coped the wrong ways. I hung out with an ex. I knew it was wrong but I think I was trying to get the attention I was missing. No I didn't have an affair but I did consider it. I missed my hubby so much. We both say it's not permanent and I should use this time to be independent and grow,as should he but I'm so upset I'm sick. I feel like I can't do this. But at the same time I'm grasping at straws to make things better. We love each other so much. I just want us to be us again and be a happy family. Anyone ever been through this?

[Haloeclipse]

I am so sorry to hear about your hardship. I am currently separated from my wife of 6 years. It was made legal as of last February but we had been living separately since July 2011. Each case is different but for us it honestly has been great for our relationship. We had a lot of problems right around the time our daughter was born, neither of us responded to them in a healthy way. Things had come to a head right before I was deployed to Iraq and both of us were pretty much ready to be done. While I was deployed we tried to make an effort to reconnect and find those things about each other that brought us together in the first place but it just didn't take and within about three weeks after coming back stateside she filed for divorce. I convinced her to actually try but she was so just set on being angry with me that she made the time very hard. We tried marital counseling but for us it just made the situation worse because she wasn't willing to be involved. I would say I am justified when the marriage counselor turned to her and told her that my issues with her were legit. In january 2011 she filed for divorce again. We never got along pretty much from the time I got home to just about the time our separation became legal. I tried and tried, I was very willing to compromise and work with her but she was being influenced by her family who have never liked me. She lied non stop about everything, would tell me she was going to do x with the divorce papers then when I would see them it was completely different etc etc ad nauseum.

You mentioned using the time to grow as a person and I think that's a great idea. Moving out on my own felt great because it gave me more independence, not as some bachelor but just as a person that was a bit codependent. It also helped me see things that were an issue during the marriage, like the house being a mess, wasn't my fault because my place always stayed spotless and hers never was. It just kind of put things in perspective. In my case the separation had the severity of saying we are pretty much on our last straw, and we had to go through the courts and set custody and what not, but there is still a silver lining under it all that we still can reconcile, we still can grow and realize that being apart simply isn't what we want.

The approach all depends on your relationship and the person, I was constantly being told to take a hard line stance, try and burn her, but I didn't. I made myself available and willing to compromise and work together and in the end it really worked. A big thing is to make sure you are both communicating honestly. My and my wife's situation was exacerbated because she just wasn't willing to openly communicate, or do so honestly. What I've learned is that it just can take time. I really think that my wife and I will in the near future officially become married again. A lot of the issues were that there was a lot of anger in both of us, but we each approached it on a different time frame. Marriage counseling didn't work because she simply wasn't ready yet, and eventually she was ready. If you get back together too soon you risk not having worked through your individual issues. I would highly suggest making time as frequent as you can (depending on schedules and how you get along) to spend time together as a family. The time apart for us really helped to remind us of why we liked the other in the first place.

This is like a huge post, sorry for it being so long. I look forward to hearing back from you! Stay strong, things change. We just have to do our best to be our best.

[kmarie30]

I appreciate your post thank you. We have been separated for nearly 3 weeks. I think the problem lies that we have been together since we were teens 15 years. I feel like I don't want him to go but we have grown in to different people. He pushes me away for so many years though he never realized it. I want to know if you were ever together with another person. Maybe not sexual but. I think I let my vulnerability get the best of me last night. I know we had discussed it and said whatever happens happens but I am feeling some heavy ass guilt just for allowing someone to kiss me. I am curious of course but why am I not so fine with it today? I feel like a cheater big time. Just awful.

[kmarie30]

No I haven't told him when it was all decided we both said we wouldn't want to know if anything happened. I'm sick about it today. I feel like someone saw and is going to tell him. I'm not making excuses. I let it happen. I do have feelings for this other person as we were together before I met my husband. I'm not trying to hurt anyone and I'm trying to tell myself. We are living apart we discussed all this. But it doesn't make it easier. I hate myself. My anxiety is horrid today. The one thing I think is good is that I do feel remorse. If I didnt there wouldn't be the guilt. I still love my husband. Just can't get my head straight