I finally gave in. (Possible TMI in here.)

[Invalidcharactr]

I started taking Zoloft to combat whatever it is that's wrong with me. Fortunately, I've had a total lack of appetite, and since I run almost every day and weight train around 2-3 times a week, I've managed to an additional three or four pounds. I'm only a week and three days in, so the medicine hasn't totally taken effect yet, and the side effects are still present.

My sex drive hasn't dwindled, it's just become kind of pointless and frustrating to be just as desirous of sex, but not able to finish the act, as it were. Anorgasmia sucks.

[Invalidcharactr]

Also: I mentioned to him that I'm trying cognitive behavioral techni. I am working on meditating and redirecting my thoughts. I even have a hair tie around my wrist that I snap when I get into a bad mental place. It seems to be helping, but I think I just need to be a different person. With the medication, I think the CBT will help because I am able to suppress emotion for long enough to enact those techniques instead of just being overcome by them.

[trinidiva]

Well, if I have to be completely honest, I feel like things are a bit one-sided. He wants you to be supportive in his quest to transition, and going to shop for clothing, etc, but I don't feel like he is quite as supportive when it comes to dealing with your issues of anxiety, and that is not right. Not everyone is able to "cure themselves" and sometimes extra support is needed. That extra support could be in the form of medication, CBT or just support from family and friends. I know he may not fully understand what you are going through, but a certain amount of empathy would be nice I'm sure. I think as far as your relationship, the two of you really need to have a serious talk, just to figure out where things are now, and where they are going.

[Mrspbnj0220]

I'm no expert and I'm not going to claim to be with your current situation. But kudos to you that it seems what you are doing is working. With that being said, he should do a little more research Thyroid disorders don't just go away on their own with diet and exercise. If you are Hypo/Hyperthyroid it isn't a diet or exercise thing. And the theory that you should be strong enough to overcome the mental situation, I can't recall your exact words, that's just trying to make you feel bad. Or at least that's how it seems to me. I'm not trying to step over any boundaries here but it sounds to me like perhaps you aren't the one holding him back but perhaps it's the other way around. I hope things get better for you and hopefully he can "learn" to be more supportive. Good Luck and I am sincerely sorry you are going through this.

[jhunter89]

Hmm.. Sounds like this guy is aggravating your anxiety. You need support not the cold shoulder!

[Invalidcharactr]

Support should not be needed. The reason I have anxiety is because I'm deficient. Deciding to transition to another gender is a physical process that requires time, pain, and effort. All I have to do is stop being deficient.

I come off sounding like a victim, which is something that I'm very good at. I'm manipulative and can twist words in such a way that makes me sound blameless, when in reality, all of this is my own doing.

Because I'm irrational and have expectations that are too high, we get into discussions. These discussions stress him out and exacerbate a medical condition of his. The medical condition makes him unable to sleep and the lack of sleep only worsens his physical health. I start arguments and cause him physical pain.

I'm weak enough to require chemical interventions. Expecting a significant other to share in my inadequacies is too much. It's bad enough that I'm such a petty, shallow, unenlightened slug.

For example, last night he made popcorn. I was lying down and didn't take any of it, but he brought up the point that usually, when he makes food I steal a bite and that's irritating because he makes enough for himself and wants to eat the food he prepares. He also mentioned that he never takes food that I prepare for myself. I apologized and indicated that I wouldn't do it again.

He told me that I was missing the point. The point was that I would take a bite of his food without asking or giving anything back and that was kind of a metaphor for our entire relationship. I don't provide anything. I don't give him any kind of edification or elicit any interest from him.

I'm just there. Taking.

[Haloeclipse]

Wow. Ok so I am no expert but this relationship is pure toxic. I am getting anxious from this post just because I am finding myself wanting to slap your boyfriend. First you don't just will yourself to be better. While cognitive behavioral therapy and other methods of mind over matter absolutely work,mental and emotional issues are also caused by chemical, genetic or environmental problems that can make you unable to will yourself over it. Like an infection, its possible to heal, but sometimes you just can't do it with out an antibiotic.

You generally don't just will yourself over being bi polar. And I want to know what the name of his condition is because it sounds like his condition is that if he doesn't get his way then he acts weak or sick or whatever to guilt you into complying with him. And while yes this is just your side but everything to me seems to indicate that you are a victim of emotional abuse from this guy. Seriously its no wonder you are having anxiety. Even the way you talk down about yourself in your posts, making yourself to be at fault for his problems. You are NOT deficient. Anyone saying otherwise is absolutely wrong wrong wrong. And while gender transition is indeed an emotionally, physically and spiritually draining process it does not give him a monopoly on the knowledge of mental health, nor does it give him any sort of get out of jail free card when he treats you badly.

In my humble opinion you need some SERIOUS couples counseling together, and he needs personal counseling at LEAST as much as you do. To be honest though my first thought is that you need to ditch this chump. These posts of yours are not painting a picture of a healthy emotional life, and his complete ignorance of how mental and emotional health and treatment works and what seems to be a REAL clear cut case of emotional abuse is indicates it won't get better unless your environment changes. Honestly I am worried about you not because of your anxiety but because of him and the way he has you thinking.

Remember, you are a person. You are not in anyway deficient. And you are not in anyway responsible for his emotions or his so called condition. You are deserving of respect and understanding.

[trinidiva]

I think you need some counseling on your own too.....you are totally taking the blame for everything, and I just cannot believe you are to blame for everything. If you don't get a solid sense of how to stand up for yourself, you will go on to another toxic relationship.

[dazza]

Sounds like this guy is aggravating your anxiety

Well, you say GUY... but...

[dazza]

>I am getting anxious from this post just because I am finding myself wanting to slap your boyfriend.

Well, you say BOYFRIEND... but...

[jhunter89]

Lol *rolls eyes*

[Invalidcharactr]

>I am getting anxious from this post just because I am finding myself wanting to slap your boyfriend.

Well, you say BOYFRIEND... but...

I referred to him as he. He is currently male.

[Invalidcharactr]

His medical condition is real. He was down to 106 lbs at one point, and he's 5'8''.

Even if he were at fault for our conflicts, having this kind of reaction to them is a mark of deficiency. It's not necessarily pejorative; it's the same as a car with squeaky breaks. There is a thing that is wrong and it must be fixed.

[jhunter89]

What is the medical condition? (Just out of curiosity) I understand if you don't want to disclose that information on here.

[Haloeclipse]

>I am getting anxious from this post just because I am finding myself wanting to slap your boyfriend.

Well, you say BOYFRIEND... but...

You DID read the part where the OP stated their significant other to be a *boy* right? Should I refer to the person as simply it? Or as a Man/woman in transition? Get off your high horse.

[Haloeclipse]

His medical condition is real. He was down to 106 lbs at one point, and he's 5'8''.

Even if he were at fault for our conflicts, having this kind of reaction to them is a mark of deficiency. It's not necessarily pejorative; it's the same as a car with squeaky breaks. There is a thing that is wrong and it must be fixed.

Your response is not a mark of deficiency, its a mark of him having you brain washed. Again, you are not responsible for his feelings, I pinky promise. He sounds like a perpetual victim, though without knowing him personally I can't say for sure. Either way you both would probably benefit from some therapy. Is he the one calling you deficient? Does he blame you for getting sick or aggravating his condition? Perhaps start writing down or recording the way he talks to you and share them with your therapist. Then you can have an unbiased professional give you some feedback.

[Invalidcharactr]

I don't have a therapist. He doesn't think a therapist would be able to tell him anything that he hasn't already figured out or rejected as absurd/useless. I discussed the fact that I am tired of his disparaging remarks and he indicated that I "wanted someone who was more nurturing and sensitive than he wants to be." I discussed a list of abusive behaviors that he has and he indicated that he felt some level of abuse was good for personal growth.

I indicated that I was not looking for nurturing or sensitivity, but merely pointing out inappropriate behaviors. We haven't had a fight for two weeks, but he's been trudging around and saying really insulting things lately. I told him that I lost ten lbs and he responded with "you'll just gain it back again, like you always do," and "have you really lost weight, or are you just down where you were before you started gaining?" (I had an abortion a few weeks ago and am just now shedding all of that atrocious pregnancy blubber). Or I told him that I can run a mile without stopping, and his response was, "that's the bare minimum that humans should be capable of. The fact that you're just now able to do that is nothing to be proud of."

The fact is, I'm really fucking pissed at him right now. He can't tell the difference between me asking him to not be a disdainful prick and me asking for nurturing and sensitivity. When I say that my shoulders are looking stronger, there's a big difference between saying, "Well, your thighs are what you really need to be working on,"
and "Oh, cool."

I don't think that "oh, cool" implies any kind of nurturing. It's a noncommittal, not-insulting thing to say. That's what a person should say.

[Enduronman]

Gawd yer f*ckin complicated!! I gotta go back and read the beginning now!!! ... Still got that overly intelligent spunkiness though.

E-Man.

[Enduronman]

Ok..got it. Dear Invalid, friendship has been lost and will not be possible to re-ignite, re-start, re-create.. No therapist is going to be able to bring back the lost "feelings" or respect either. Best bet, take yer wisdom and focus on yourself to become stronger to re-build YOU. You've got amazing spirit, character, and a personality that will assure your success. You just gotta apply and use towards and for the right things..there's my 1 cent!

E-Man.

[Haloeclipse]

I'm gonna go back to my first post and say that you need to dump this chump. He's admitting to abusive behavior, and you seem to see it as well. His behavior is inexcusable, end of story.