Hello from Australia

[Sassy Girl]

I've had anxiety, depression and panic attacks for nearly 20 years. My 13 year old sister died (I was 20 at the time) from medical negligence in 1992. Six days later we found out I was pregnant with our first child. The grief from my sister's death didn't really hit me until after our son was born.

I have battled with agoraphobia in the past. Was completely housebound for 6 months but it took me close on ten years to be recovered. I have health anxiety because of my sister's death. I have a terror of taking new medication. I have high blood pressure at the moment. It was 160 over 134 pulse 108 this morning at 1.30am. I was told recently by a nurse that if my diastolic went above 120 to call an ambulance. I didn't do that as I thought the ambulance men would be angry with me for calling them because of a 'panic attack'. I am sure it wasn't a panic attack but even so that is what I though they would think. I am so scared that the same thing is going to happen again tonight. We live quite a distance from emergency services and hospital that it terrifies me that we are really without any emergency services.

The doctor wants me to take a different medication but because of my sister's death I am so scared of taking it. Her death was caused by negligence by many different people. According to the coroner's inquest her death was a one in a million chance of happening. Now that I know one in a million chance of death happens I don't want to be another statistic.

My happy life was destroyed by my sister's death. Now I constantly worry about everything. I've been diagnosed as severe depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD (which I am unsure of I think it's more likely to be GAD).

I had a phobia of death up until I was 18. My dad said he had the same as well until he was 20 but grew out of it. My phobia of death came back when my sister died .It seems a million times worse than what it was before I grew out of it and is now a terror of death.

I have seen too many psychologists and psychiatrists. None have been able to help me. Four have admitted that my problems were too great for them to help me with :( I have been on medication on and off over the years. The only ones that have helped me are Efexor XR and Xanax. Neither of which I can take at the moment because of my blood pressure medication.

I hate being scared of everything.

[Jo Smith]

Im so sorry to hear about your sister. I cant beleive they told you that your problem is too much for them, when they should be there to help. Its interesting that your dad had a similar problem, do you find you can talk openly to him about it? I really hope you find some comfort in this website. Ive only been using it for a few days and it helps alot to talk to people who understand.
Joxx

[Sassy Girl]

Thanks Jo. I can't talk to my dad about it as mental illness is generally a taboo subject in our family. I do hope that I can find people on here that understand as I find that my friends and family hate talking about mental illness. By the way, you live in a part of the world that I've always wanted to emigrate to. My beloved Grandad was born across the border from you in Wales :)

[Jo Smith]

Its funny because im sure most people here would love to move over to australia! Think its a case of want want we dont have hehe. And im the same in that my parents are unapproachable on the subject...very closed. If i ever say im worried about something (when really its terrified) they just basically say man-up. Which is the most unhelpful thing to say to someone with anxiety. And Wales is a beautiful place to be and I like camping there, as busy holidays would make me freak out. Im much more into the quiet relaxing countryside!!

[Sassy Girl]

Jo, I am jealous. I'd love to be able to go camping in Wales.

Kev, you are right I am worried about my health right now. I do worry a bit about getting other health issues. But if I woke in the morning with no problems I'd be hardly worried at all.

We don't live in the bush although it might as well be for the lack of services we have. We live 2 hours from our state capital and 40 minutes the other way to the second biggest city in our state. You would think we'd have emergency services and access to doctors after hours but we don't unless we make the 40 minute trip to hospital. I'd love to move to be closer to essential services but we live in my childhood home, I'd hate to ever sell it.

Most of the psychs that I've seen have just done talk therapy and stuck me on drugs. It seems that drugs are supposed to be the cure all. I want to treat the symptoms not hide them. Doctor's seem to think if tablets are hiding the problem then you are cured. It seems to be a vicious circle of speaking about my sister's death and getting nowhere so I try another psychiatrist.

They haven't told me what's happening and they haven't helped lose my fear either.

At the moment I am too scared to go home tonight that I want to sleep at work because it's close to emergency services and hospital. I dread tonight as I know my blood pressure is going to go dangerously high again :'(