Feel like im losing the battle

[jetsuo]

Hi All,

I want to make this post here because i feel that i can no longer do this on my own and i need to speak with like minded people. I am hoping i can get over my problem one day and i plan on reading some of the stickeys but i really feel i need to make this post.

My problem is that i am a cronic worrier and very paranoid and its about one thing and one thing only!
I have never spoken about this to anyone due to my paraniod thoughts however i feel the time has come overwise it will probably consume me.

When i was growing up my mum had a lot of problems with money and because of this she had people looking for her, and not the nice kind. Growing up we moved home like 4 times a year and prity much kept off the radar completly.

Many years ago my mum left me. i was young at the time but old enough to get by. Her fears became my fears and since then i have followed in her foot steps..constantly changing address, name, no photos, no paper trail...nothing. Infact i got so good at it that i even learnt how to track people down by using various different methods. Its something i learnt because i kept on thinking about "what if" scenarios. I thought that by understanding how everything works i could better help my situation and for a while it worked, but now i know that ive done everything i can, but i know theres always a trail somewhere and my mind constantly keeps thinking about it.

A part of me feels that i shouldnt worry, but i cant help it. The result is the following:

Constantly thinking about the worst case scenerio
Constantly thinking the same thoughts over and over again from when i wake up to when i sleep (except for when i am distracted)
a constant mild headache when ive got time to think
constantly pushing people away
A fear of settling down and building up my life incase it all goes
thinking everyone is out to get me and not being able to trust anyone.


Its a sad situation because i know im innocent in all this and i wish i could just forget because its very likely that its all for nothing and no one cares about me, yet even though this is very much likely the case, i still cannot shake it.

Admitidly my fears sometimes goes for a few months because ive done something drastic and probably pointless but then something can trigger it off again and then i have to fight this bloody mental battle all over again.

I havent seem my mum for almost 9 years. And even if i wanted to, i very much doubt id ever find her.

please help

[dazza]

Hello

I'm curious as to what triggers your need to move address?

After some time at the same address, do you think; "Ut oh... been here too long, they're gonna find me"?

If this is so, who's THEY? I mean, who do you think is coming after you and why?

[Enduronman]

"Children are products of their environment"...What are you running from???...It is what you learned, but why are you running?... Are you an outlaw, felon, offender, or just think you gotta move?...

E-Man..

[jetsuo]

Id rather not give too many details regarding who 'they' are but the reason is money, although not through me directly as i was just a kid when all this started. My mum used to tell me almost everyday that we wasnt allowed to answer the door, or i couldnt sign up for things etc etc. After a while it kinda gets second nature and you start applying it to everything. I.E it took me 30minutes to decide what username i should use for this forum and i did a mental cross check to make sure i hadnt used it anywhere else before. And i know its stupid but i cant help it. In a way the paranoid actions doesnt bother me so much because its just who i am now, but what bothers me is the constant worrying.
In regards to what triggers me to move, its really just my constant worrying. Lets say i move home, this might cure me for a while and i feel reassured, but then sometime down the line i get all these negative thoughts again and 'what if' scenerios start poping into my head and then this promts me to take action once it becomes unbareable. This might involve moving home or suddenly cutting people out of my life, or changing number, things like that really.

[Enduronman]

Yup..See this here all the time. The MAIN cause of peoples anxiety, tension, stress...is that they speculate, assume, presume and attach all kinds of "what if" scenarious to virtually everything. Yet,..the liklihood of any of this "creativity" unfolding is about 0. You're more likely to be struck by lightning 3 times, in the same spot..then anything your mind is "creating".

E-Man...

[jetsuo]

"Children are products of their environment"...What are you running from???...It is what you learned, but why are you running?... Are you an outlaw, felon, offender, or just think you gotta move?...

E-Man..

Guilty by association is the best way i can describe it as. My mums problems became my problems. But my situation is more similiar to that of someone in witness protection (without the protection) rather than a criminal. I have thought about going to some sort of authorities in the past but then i think thats stupid because they will prolly take my name and address and then that would fuel my parania because that puts me on a database.

[jetsuo]

Yup..See this here all the time. The MAIN cause of peoples anxiety, tension, stress...is that they speculate, assume, presume and attach all kinds of "what if" scenarious to virtually everything. Yet,..the liklihood of any of this "creativity" unfolding is about 0. You're more likely to be struck by lightning 3 times, in the same spot..then anything your mind is "creating".

E-Man...

I agree with you. This would apply to me and i agree with your conclusion. I keep telling my self that but it doesnt make it go away. :( . Although typing here is making me feel less stressed right now, but i guess im looking for some mind techniques or something, i dno.

[Enduronman]

Your first 3 words prompted me to listen too and post this song if you don't know it..It fits. Also,..they aint after you man. Hope ya like L.Park...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6Sw6mk_Xis

E-Man.

[dazza]

Have you seen a therapist? cognetive therapy is great for this kind of disorder.

Can I ask... do you ACTUALLY have money issues or is this ALL in your head?

[Enduronman]

A "lifetime of being taught to think this way" isn't going to be overcome by your own mind, methods, techniques,..this is hard-wired and programmed way deep into the hard-drive bruh. You gotta talk to a therapist, and see a Dr to get some chems for the brain friend. It's going to have to be a multi-front attack on yourself if you want outta this s**t. Just being honest. I am an anxiety Veteran, not this type..but its all the same in general.

E-Man.

[jetsuo]

Ive never really considered a therapist as a realistic solution, for one reasons.

If i confide in a real person, then its likely i would then see them as a burden for years to come. I.E i will constantly think that somehow they will betray my trust, regardless of all that oath stuff.

And i dont have money issues, money isnt really something i worry about as i have a decent job, its the people who were owed money that i worry about.

[Enduronman]

Yer going to have to "unload this mental garbage, in a verbal form..to someone you must trust".. or you will never get out. I highly doubt it would be years of communications with any (1) person either because you've already (pin-pointed the precise problem) yourself. Just some suggestions from a ole f**ker that was tormented by anxiety for 40 years friend. Talking openly=removing the damaging internal disarray=processing thoughts more productively=way more rational behavior. Also, there is no therapist or anyone else in these professions that go home to the dinner table and say "hey honey, talked to a really screwed up person today"...It isnt like that friend.

[jetsuo]

I actually had a theory not so long ago regarding false memories. I thought that if i could somehow imagine a life growing up in a normal family home and stuff and then kept telling myself that, that i could trick my brain into thinking it was reality. I mean i read about people like this all the time. If you cant forget, then overwrite?

[jetsuo]

Yer going to have to "unload this mental garbage, in a verbal form..to someone you must trust".. or you will never get out. I highly doubt it would be years of communications with any (1) person either because you've already (pin-pointed the precise problem) yourself. Just some suggestions from a ole f**ker that was tormented by anxiety for 40 years friend. Talking openly=removing the damaging internal disarray=processing thoughts more productively=way more rational behavior. Also, there is no therapist or anyone else in these professions that go home to the dinner table and say "hey honey, talked to a really screwed up person today"...It isnt like that friend.

i hear you friend, but i am just not ready to take that step just yet. Its kinda like a catch 22 for me. :(

[jetsuo]

Gota go bed now. Got an early start tommorow but ill be back afterwards. Cheers Guys and please keep posting, this is helping.

[Enduronman]

I had to overwrite. All the memories are still there if I wish to view them. Being arrested 30+ times as a juvenile. Fist fighting with 11 cellmates, of a different race, color, creed. Thats just a teeny tiny piece of the s**t that I had to overwrite. It all started when I was 10 years old.. Now, I just delete things. Whatever it is that causes me stress, delete, deactivate, disconnect, done..

[dazza]

A therapist would most likely cure you - take that on board.

You may be able to overwrite it... it's a good theory.
The brain is like a sponge... it absorbs and retains. However, it's possible to ring out the crap and replace that crap with good stuff... but it aint easy to do on your own. You need reassurance, guidance and most importantly, someone who can extract, un-muddle and help you understand your issues.

It's nothing short of a miracle how just one person/therapist can do this for you... if you let them.
Make no mistake.. cognetive therapy WORKS.

[Enduronman]

In this case ^^^^^^ 100% in agreement Dazzler!

Mr. EndorkinMan.

[dazza]

i hear you friend, but i am just not ready to take that step just yet. Its kinda like a catch 22 for me. :(

Ironically, anxiety can prohibit a person from taking the very first steps they need to in order to get the recovery ball rolling. This is fairly typical.
Most people are frightened of doctors, therapists, psychologist and whoever else, anxious folk even more so... but these people hold the key to your success and are just a phone call or visit away.

So near yet so far, huh?

I'm glad to hear you don't actually have any money/debt owing issues. This confirms 100% that there is NO actual danger, and that your fears are purely imaginary.
(Earlier in this thread I got the impression that debtees were actually looking for you)

This fact is a profound one.

Funny to think that all your issues are imaginary, isn't it? hold this thought. Think about it LONG and hard.

What needs to happen... right now... is that you take the steps to seek help. This will be the hardest part of your journey but SO, WELL worth it.
After you've broken through this barrier, things will begin to get better very quickly. That's guaranteed.

You are unlikely to do this on your own fella, so let's start thinking about some help, yes?

[ADD]

I must admit this story has definitely got my attention and I would like to see this issue resolved soon.

I couldn't help but notice the way both of you E-Man and Dazza analyze the situation and reply with simple yet solid advice. Keep up the great work guys i am trying to follow your footsteps on this one fellas so that I can learn and maybe one day assist others myself, God willing.

Cheers,
ADD