kco
08-26-2012, 05:04 PM
Hi.
I don't really know what to say on these introduction things anymore. And especially not on one which is for helping me get through something. I mean I am not even sure if what I feel is anxiety... like I mean I could just be ill? I don't know, I'll explain some stuff.
I think I have always been somewhat anxious. I remember as a child I would be nervous about social situations but I just thought that was being shy, and I remember getting so frustrated that I would bash myself against my bed if I thought I had lost something... And I would be crying so heavily. This didn't happen very often and I am not sure to how normal it is anyway. And I would have dreams about patterns and colours that were in the wrong order but would change before I had time to fix them, correcting the order. It actually woke me up crying on multiple occasions.
Everything kinda settled a bit once I got to high school. I made a group of friends and stuck with them throughout my high life. It was fine. I was generally okay with it all and things would be dandy. Though sometimes I would push everyone away. I would decide I was unworthy of their friendship for various reasons. I just took this to be a self-esteem issue and other people decided it was an attention seeking thing. (Now at university I realise it isn't quite attention seeking, will explain later).
So I went to sixth form. And a lot of my friendship group went to the same one so I didn't have that many issues with struggling with social situations. A few. Which epic failed. But ah well. It could have ended better. But the work load at my sixth form was intense. They were very overpowering and had this unspoken rule that below a B grade was a fail. At A level a B is awesome. But apparently not here. I started to develop some sickness and stomach pains, which I decided was from lack of sleep as my sleeping pattern seemed to get worse, and caffeine tends to make me feel worse but it is in the painkillers I take. It got worse so the stomach pain became shooting pains in my head and my back muscles would ache all the time. (I have since been told I suffer from migraines and I am not sure if that is what caused the shooting pains in my head or if it is just anxiety... or if the anxiety caused the migraines?). But yeah, all that happened.
During freshers week of university I felt so ill. Like I would go to throw up every morning. As I met people this went away. And I just struggled to sleep and started to just live in a headache. The headache often came with numbness that would take over half of my body. This went on all year. :p Not long after it stopped I got the contraceptive implant (p.s. I am female) and it might be the worse mistake I ever made. I have felt very depressed since. Had feelings of paranoid and just amplified self-hatred. The feelings have put a lot of strain on my current relationship. :p To the point we keep getting close to breaking up as he is struggling to deal with any fluctuation in my mood. And the last week we have been in a bad place which we started to come out of until I got so frustrated today. But over this week I have had these intense stomach pains and a strong urge to vomit in the morning that would suppress slightly during the day but not completely go away. Also i get this tight feeling in my throat as if I am being strangled or something. I can't eat because of the sickness but probably feel sick because of not eating. I also can't sleep, like I struggle sleep more than 5-7 hours... and at summer time I tend to function best from 10-12 :p. Now when I go to bed or wake up I am trying not to think about feeling sick.. it is like I am anxious about feeling anxious...
If anyone can help at all, or needs more information I will try my best to provide it.
Thanks a lot and I hope to be accepted and contribute to this forum.
I don't really know what to say on these introduction things anymore. And especially not on one which is for helping me get through something. I mean I am not even sure if what I feel is anxiety... like I mean I could just be ill? I don't know, I'll explain some stuff.
I think I have always been somewhat anxious. I remember as a child I would be nervous about social situations but I just thought that was being shy, and I remember getting so frustrated that I would bash myself against my bed if I thought I had lost something... And I would be crying so heavily. This didn't happen very often and I am not sure to how normal it is anyway. And I would have dreams about patterns and colours that were in the wrong order but would change before I had time to fix them, correcting the order. It actually woke me up crying on multiple occasions.
Everything kinda settled a bit once I got to high school. I made a group of friends and stuck with them throughout my high life. It was fine. I was generally okay with it all and things would be dandy. Though sometimes I would push everyone away. I would decide I was unworthy of their friendship for various reasons. I just took this to be a self-esteem issue and other people decided it was an attention seeking thing. (Now at university I realise it isn't quite attention seeking, will explain later).
So I went to sixth form. And a lot of my friendship group went to the same one so I didn't have that many issues with struggling with social situations. A few. Which epic failed. But ah well. It could have ended better. But the work load at my sixth form was intense. They were very overpowering and had this unspoken rule that below a B grade was a fail. At A level a B is awesome. But apparently not here. I started to develop some sickness and stomach pains, which I decided was from lack of sleep as my sleeping pattern seemed to get worse, and caffeine tends to make me feel worse but it is in the painkillers I take. It got worse so the stomach pain became shooting pains in my head and my back muscles would ache all the time. (I have since been told I suffer from migraines and I am not sure if that is what caused the shooting pains in my head or if it is just anxiety... or if the anxiety caused the migraines?). But yeah, all that happened.
During freshers week of university I felt so ill. Like I would go to throw up every morning. As I met people this went away. And I just struggled to sleep and started to just live in a headache. The headache often came with numbness that would take over half of my body. This went on all year. :p Not long after it stopped I got the contraceptive implant (p.s. I am female) and it might be the worse mistake I ever made. I have felt very depressed since. Had feelings of paranoid and just amplified self-hatred. The feelings have put a lot of strain on my current relationship. :p To the point we keep getting close to breaking up as he is struggling to deal with any fluctuation in my mood. And the last week we have been in a bad place which we started to come out of until I got so frustrated today. But over this week I have had these intense stomach pains and a strong urge to vomit in the morning that would suppress slightly during the day but not completely go away. Also i get this tight feeling in my throat as if I am being strangled or something. I can't eat because of the sickness but probably feel sick because of not eating. I also can't sleep, like I struggle sleep more than 5-7 hours... and at summer time I tend to function best from 10-12 :p. Now when I go to bed or wake up I am trying not to think about feeling sick.. it is like I am anxious about feeling anxious...
If anyone can help at all, or needs more information I will try my best to provide it.
Thanks a lot and I hope to be accepted and contribute to this forum.