hifi18
08-06-2012, 07:58 PM
I don't know where to start..
However, i guess I could start with some background info..
I am 24 years old, currently with my gf of almost 4 years. Just bought a house with her, and she is amazing. I will someday marry her, there is no doubt in my mind. Everything with my relationship is awesome, and I couldn't ask for a better girlfriend..
Now, I have never been one to think of myself as someone with problems. I have always thought that I was better than that, and anyone who has issues was mentally weak... Don't hate me there.
My whole life, I have always been a shy person.. I was never the center of attention, even though I would like to think I was. For my whole life it seems, I have this feeling that no matter what is going on, everything is some how centered around me. Boy is this wrong, and the fact that I am starting to realize that my life is basically no better than any others is starting to make me feel crazy.
Both of my parents growing up were alcoholics. Now I'm not saying they were the biggest alcoholics you'd ever meet, but I'd say yes, they're alcoholics. It was never out of the norm for my parents to drink 2, 3, sometimes 4 times a week. And it wasn't just lets go have some drinks, it was them shutting down the bar, coming home slammed.
Some background information on my parents. They both were in previous marriages (mom 2, dad 1). So I have 3 half siblings, and I am the only one from both my mom and dad (not that this means anything). But growing up, I always had sisters and brothers, but i'd say about 3/4 of my life they didn't live with me.. They lived in different cities with their other parents. I was the baby of the 4 and as such I was always "treated the best" - in the eyes of everyone else. We were never poor, but not rich. I'd say we were comfortable money wise, but my parent's were always broke. They made about 100k a year after taxes... So where the hell did their money go. Oh right, they loved to gamble.
When i was 8 my dad was in a tragic car accident in which he almost lost his life. Doctors gave him 48 hours to live, but guess what, he survived.. They then gave him a week max to live... He survived. After all this, he came out of his coma after 8 weeks. They told him that he would never be able to walk again. Guess what, within 3 months, he was walking. (Broken neck in 3 places and loss use of his left arm). So my dad was a fighter. I remember one of the first times he came out of his coma (me being 8 at the time), he was laying in his hospital bed, I came in... and he said to me that I need to go put on my PJ's and grab some popcorn cause we have some movies to watch together. Anyway, he ended up for being on disability and pension. We had to move from the town I grew up in, into a big city.
At this time, it was very hard... But i was 8, I adapted and started to make new friends. But growing up, it was hard. Having a new childhood essentially, a now disabled father who was never going to be able to work again in his life... Things seemed rough, but it was going to be ok.
I remember there were days that I would wake up to my parents arguing in the mornings. My dad screaming at my mom for taking his pain pills, but hey, they were from a doctor but she thought it was ok.
I remembered after about 3-4 years, my dad finally said he was sick of taking anymore pills. That day he said he would be off them before we knew it. So that same week, that was when he started. I could remember the agony he was going through, laying in bed, going through withdrawals, puking in the middle of the nights. Basically couldn't get out of bed because it was that hard for him (methadone)
Now, everything seemed to be going about the same through my life. I felt good going through grade 4-10. I had so many friends, so many relationships, I was always the best athlete in my school (or 1 of them). I never had any issues mentally that I can remember... Other than I was always the one to never show emotion. No matter what happened, I was never emotional. I told it how it was, and that was that. I was always praised for being so mature for my age.
Now came summer of grade 10. My parents were so sick of eachother, they decided to split-up. This came as a surprise to me, but it really hit me hard. Probably harder than i thought it ever would. I ended up moving away from either of my parents to my sisters, where I went to school in a different city.
I hated it. Not living with my parents, but just that I moved away. But i felt like it was the right thing to do. I played hockey there, and went to school, but still I hated it. I remember there were days I would drive to school, and I hated it so much... That I would sit ni the parking lot, dreading going in, but instead of going in.. would just sit there, and feel alone. I would go home and tell my sister about how school was, and would lie about it. This is really where I started lying about stupid things. Like things that didn't even need to be lied about.
I ended up moving back home about 4 months after, about half way through the year. I moved back to the same school, so many of teh same peoples... But something was weird, I wasn't really the same. I ended up struggling my way through my final 2 years of school. I hated going, and would make the craziest lies up to my parents or school about why I wasn't there. But no one ever really knew. I lied about attendance and even lied by making a fake report card. My grades weren't amazing like my parents expected, but I got by. I lied because I figured they'd eventually caught on. Still to this day, no one knows about the fake report cards.
I met my girlfriend almost 4 years ago now, and boy do I love her. My entire family loves her, my friends love her, she is overall just amazing. She is probably the happiest part of my life..
About 2.5 years ago, my dad... suddenly died. His death was very sudden, and was not expected. My parents were both out at a friends celebrating a cancer run my mom completed. But of course, they both were drinking and lots. I received a call about 1am in the morning from my mom, crying in hysterics that something happened to my dad. But of course to my disbelief I played it off like... sure, you're drunk and you are always over dramatic about anything. i got to the hospital and waited about an hour. Now, being a very timid guy at this point, I spoke with the doctor. That's when he told me... My dad was on life-support, and that is the only thing keeping him alive. He fell down some stairs, hit his head and the damage was just to severe.
This is when my heart ripped out of me. I laid by my dad for the next 4 days, without once leaving the hospital. I cried and cried and cried and my heart bled for him. But I figured, now is the time to stand up and be a man for my family. I decided that I would take care of all of his arrangements, take care of all of his paper work on the estate. I did pretty much everything to settle up his death. I felt like it was my responsibility and that moving forward I was going to be the man.
During this time, I was going to college (also missing a lot of classes with bad excuses). I was actually in college since I was 18. But all through college, I struggled. I would miss classes, be afraid of presentation, never made any friends. I ended up failing my last 4 exams because this was right when my died died. But even still, I didn't fail because he died, I failed out because I have issues.
I am scared to talk to new people. I to this day avoid contact with people by any means necessary. I avoid the phone at all costs, and try to avoid even the littlest contact with people. For instance, if I am walking out to my car and see someone... I will wait until theyre gone before I go to my car. I seem to really over think any circumstance.. I feel like everyone looks at me weird, or I feel stupid when I say something... So it's just easier to not say anything. Lately, on my days off, i stay at home... alone. I have had this really weird thing about living vicarously through facebook. I constantly creep facebook like I am part of peoples lives, but when really I don't speak with them at all anymore. I feel like I have been constantly avoiding any type of situation. Like i don't even do anything fun anymore. I hate going to do new things, or meeting new people. I seem to be afraid of the unknown, and it's getting to the point where every single day I wake up and hate my life.
I don't hate my life that I have, I hate the life I know I don't have. It's weird and don't really know how to explain it. Like some days I am really happy, but some days im not. But i never show I am not happy. I have always been the one that's like a brick wall with my emotions. I act this way around my family all the time. They all think im stone with my emotions and that I have been able to deal with my dads death.
The truth is, my dad's death has been such a huge issue for me, but I have never talked about it with anyone. I mean, i have had my cries with my gf, but I have never once really got down to how I truly feel. I don't think i ever will because i get embarrassed. I don't want to deal with how everyone thinks differently of me.
Basically, I feel lost... I want my life to be happier but I don't know what to do.
Sorry for the long rant, I hope you are able to follow it. I hope there are some good suggestions or insight to this, because I do not know where to start to get my life to what I want.
Thank you,
Jay
However, i guess I could start with some background info..
I am 24 years old, currently with my gf of almost 4 years. Just bought a house with her, and she is amazing. I will someday marry her, there is no doubt in my mind. Everything with my relationship is awesome, and I couldn't ask for a better girlfriend..
Now, I have never been one to think of myself as someone with problems. I have always thought that I was better than that, and anyone who has issues was mentally weak... Don't hate me there.
My whole life, I have always been a shy person.. I was never the center of attention, even though I would like to think I was. For my whole life it seems, I have this feeling that no matter what is going on, everything is some how centered around me. Boy is this wrong, and the fact that I am starting to realize that my life is basically no better than any others is starting to make me feel crazy.
Both of my parents growing up were alcoholics. Now I'm not saying they were the biggest alcoholics you'd ever meet, but I'd say yes, they're alcoholics. It was never out of the norm for my parents to drink 2, 3, sometimes 4 times a week. And it wasn't just lets go have some drinks, it was them shutting down the bar, coming home slammed.
Some background information on my parents. They both were in previous marriages (mom 2, dad 1). So I have 3 half siblings, and I am the only one from both my mom and dad (not that this means anything). But growing up, I always had sisters and brothers, but i'd say about 3/4 of my life they didn't live with me.. They lived in different cities with their other parents. I was the baby of the 4 and as such I was always "treated the best" - in the eyes of everyone else. We were never poor, but not rich. I'd say we were comfortable money wise, but my parent's were always broke. They made about 100k a year after taxes... So where the hell did their money go. Oh right, they loved to gamble.
When i was 8 my dad was in a tragic car accident in which he almost lost his life. Doctors gave him 48 hours to live, but guess what, he survived.. They then gave him a week max to live... He survived. After all this, he came out of his coma after 8 weeks. They told him that he would never be able to walk again. Guess what, within 3 months, he was walking. (Broken neck in 3 places and loss use of his left arm). So my dad was a fighter. I remember one of the first times he came out of his coma (me being 8 at the time), he was laying in his hospital bed, I came in... and he said to me that I need to go put on my PJ's and grab some popcorn cause we have some movies to watch together. Anyway, he ended up for being on disability and pension. We had to move from the town I grew up in, into a big city.
At this time, it was very hard... But i was 8, I adapted and started to make new friends. But growing up, it was hard. Having a new childhood essentially, a now disabled father who was never going to be able to work again in his life... Things seemed rough, but it was going to be ok.
I remember there were days that I would wake up to my parents arguing in the mornings. My dad screaming at my mom for taking his pain pills, but hey, they were from a doctor but she thought it was ok.
I remembered after about 3-4 years, my dad finally said he was sick of taking anymore pills. That day he said he would be off them before we knew it. So that same week, that was when he started. I could remember the agony he was going through, laying in bed, going through withdrawals, puking in the middle of the nights. Basically couldn't get out of bed because it was that hard for him (methadone)
Now, everything seemed to be going about the same through my life. I felt good going through grade 4-10. I had so many friends, so many relationships, I was always the best athlete in my school (or 1 of them). I never had any issues mentally that I can remember... Other than I was always the one to never show emotion. No matter what happened, I was never emotional. I told it how it was, and that was that. I was always praised for being so mature for my age.
Now came summer of grade 10. My parents were so sick of eachother, they decided to split-up. This came as a surprise to me, but it really hit me hard. Probably harder than i thought it ever would. I ended up moving away from either of my parents to my sisters, where I went to school in a different city.
I hated it. Not living with my parents, but just that I moved away. But i felt like it was the right thing to do. I played hockey there, and went to school, but still I hated it. I remember there were days I would drive to school, and I hated it so much... That I would sit ni the parking lot, dreading going in, but instead of going in.. would just sit there, and feel alone. I would go home and tell my sister about how school was, and would lie about it. This is really where I started lying about stupid things. Like things that didn't even need to be lied about.
I ended up moving back home about 4 months after, about half way through the year. I moved back to the same school, so many of teh same peoples... But something was weird, I wasn't really the same. I ended up struggling my way through my final 2 years of school. I hated going, and would make the craziest lies up to my parents or school about why I wasn't there. But no one ever really knew. I lied about attendance and even lied by making a fake report card. My grades weren't amazing like my parents expected, but I got by. I lied because I figured they'd eventually caught on. Still to this day, no one knows about the fake report cards.
I met my girlfriend almost 4 years ago now, and boy do I love her. My entire family loves her, my friends love her, she is overall just amazing. She is probably the happiest part of my life..
About 2.5 years ago, my dad... suddenly died. His death was very sudden, and was not expected. My parents were both out at a friends celebrating a cancer run my mom completed. But of course, they both were drinking and lots. I received a call about 1am in the morning from my mom, crying in hysterics that something happened to my dad. But of course to my disbelief I played it off like... sure, you're drunk and you are always over dramatic about anything. i got to the hospital and waited about an hour. Now, being a very timid guy at this point, I spoke with the doctor. That's when he told me... My dad was on life-support, and that is the only thing keeping him alive. He fell down some stairs, hit his head and the damage was just to severe.
This is when my heart ripped out of me. I laid by my dad for the next 4 days, without once leaving the hospital. I cried and cried and cried and my heart bled for him. But I figured, now is the time to stand up and be a man for my family. I decided that I would take care of all of his arrangements, take care of all of his paper work on the estate. I did pretty much everything to settle up his death. I felt like it was my responsibility and that moving forward I was going to be the man.
During this time, I was going to college (also missing a lot of classes with bad excuses). I was actually in college since I was 18. But all through college, I struggled. I would miss classes, be afraid of presentation, never made any friends. I ended up failing my last 4 exams because this was right when my died died. But even still, I didn't fail because he died, I failed out because I have issues.
I am scared to talk to new people. I to this day avoid contact with people by any means necessary. I avoid the phone at all costs, and try to avoid even the littlest contact with people. For instance, if I am walking out to my car and see someone... I will wait until theyre gone before I go to my car. I seem to really over think any circumstance.. I feel like everyone looks at me weird, or I feel stupid when I say something... So it's just easier to not say anything. Lately, on my days off, i stay at home... alone. I have had this really weird thing about living vicarously through facebook. I constantly creep facebook like I am part of peoples lives, but when really I don't speak with them at all anymore. I feel like I have been constantly avoiding any type of situation. Like i don't even do anything fun anymore. I hate going to do new things, or meeting new people. I seem to be afraid of the unknown, and it's getting to the point where every single day I wake up and hate my life.
I don't hate my life that I have, I hate the life I know I don't have. It's weird and don't really know how to explain it. Like some days I am really happy, but some days im not. But i never show I am not happy. I have always been the one that's like a brick wall with my emotions. I act this way around my family all the time. They all think im stone with my emotions and that I have been able to deal with my dads death.
The truth is, my dad's death has been such a huge issue for me, but I have never talked about it with anyone. I mean, i have had my cries with my gf, but I have never once really got down to how I truly feel. I don't think i ever will because i get embarrassed. I don't want to deal with how everyone thinks differently of me.
Basically, I feel lost... I want my life to be happier but I don't know what to do.
Sorry for the long rant, I hope you are able to follow it. I hope there are some good suggestions or insight to this, because I do not know where to start to get my life to what I want.
Thank you,
Jay