rwann
08-06-2012, 06:16 AM
Woke up this morning a panic mode, one so high I haven't experienced it for a good 2 months.
So I wrote this up. Advice+ opinions are welcomed.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Congratulations on being a terrible person! I’m so proud.
This entry is going to be so incoherent.
It wasn’t until this year that I began struggling with “Panic Disorder” and unfortunately; the constant panic attacks didn’t begin until the end of my freshmen year of college, as me and my boyfriend at the time broke up.
(Probably due to the fact that I also struggle with major depression disorder. And because he was bipolar, I wanted to better my mental health for his sake, but ended up on anti Depressants I was not only allergic to, but also caused memory loss, and some personality issues.
Personality issues that I didn’t remember until I woke up this morning in Full-panic mode.
But let me go back to the end of this past school year. The panic attacks became so bad, that I wasn’t leaving my dorm room, wasn’t going to get food, wasn’t showering, wasn’t even getting up—And this went on for a good 3 weeks until I couldn’t get up and move something without nearly blacking out.
.________. Yeah. It was bad.
However this big “Crash” after the relationship didn’t come without reason, It came because I was tired. I had put quite a bit of effort into trying to get this guy to keep me around. (I was more than smitten with him, and I had put all my eggs in one basket) I had stuck with him through all the “letters to his ex-girlfriend” (6 of them, about 1-2 pages each, not space, EDITED BY ME) his very depressed (yet understandable disposition, being sad because he didn’t communicate with his parents, and I was always terrified of how I behaved and what I said. I put myself in constant fear.
It was unessacery fear.
I was after a serious relationship, someone I could communicate with and trust with all my secrets. Someone I could be myself with.
And looking back it feels like I threw it at him.
He had been used to less serious relationships in the past (with one 2 year relationship that was very serious)
But I don’t know if I did it out of immaturity, or anxiety.
He didn’t get enough credit at the end of the relationship.
This morning I realized that there were two times I got really mad at him.
Once he came down to my room, after I had been sending very depressed text messages, and at first it was okay- but then-and god- I barely remember it at all, but I started saying that I didn’t think he really knew what love was. And I saw angry. And he left.
Then I ended up curled into a ball in my wardrobe o_____0
He eventually came back to my room, and I kept apologizing, because I don’t know what came over me, I told him it was probably the new medicine I had begun. (As it was out of character for me to become that “immaturely angry.”)
I think it was the last week of march, I had my first few anxiety attacks. He didn’t know what to do, and didn’t want to be around me because it stressed him out. Which now I see as more than acceptable.
I think I was on my 3rd panic attack the first night that they had started, I was next to him in bed, begging him to help me, but he wouldn’t say a word, and rolled over. I don’t remember exactly what happened once again, but I LOST IT.
I’m talking Angry woman-saying mean things in a upbeat happy-psycho tone with mixed in laughter- lost it.
And the next morning I kept getting strangely angry at him. I was eventually able to realize/explain that I was acting this way due to the anxiety.
Though, if you were in a situation while someone who was commonly “more than calm” just began ripping on you, you’d probably be in a state of shock, and regardless if it was due to anxiety, you’re not going to want to be around this person.
:In short, I get why he was so reluctant to break up with me. Being someone a person can share their depression, anxiety, and OCD with is something most would rather not due. Especially when it means dealing with the episodes that take place. And those “in-between medicine” that screw the person up for a good month or two.
I didn’t mean to treat him badly.
And I know friends would reassure me on this.
I just feel so terrible.
That it had to happen to him.
It won’t be a long time before I know what to make of things.
I just wonder, he stopped talking to me at the end- but am I allowed to message him now that it's been a while? Am I allowed to even speak to him? Do I send an apology letter to his sister for an stress I may have put on the family?
So I wrote this up. Advice+ opinions are welcomed.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Congratulations on being a terrible person! I’m so proud.
This entry is going to be so incoherent.
It wasn’t until this year that I began struggling with “Panic Disorder” and unfortunately; the constant panic attacks didn’t begin until the end of my freshmen year of college, as me and my boyfriend at the time broke up.
(Probably due to the fact that I also struggle with major depression disorder. And because he was bipolar, I wanted to better my mental health for his sake, but ended up on anti Depressants I was not only allergic to, but also caused memory loss, and some personality issues.
Personality issues that I didn’t remember until I woke up this morning in Full-panic mode.
But let me go back to the end of this past school year. The panic attacks became so bad, that I wasn’t leaving my dorm room, wasn’t going to get food, wasn’t showering, wasn’t even getting up—And this went on for a good 3 weeks until I couldn’t get up and move something without nearly blacking out.
.________. Yeah. It was bad.
However this big “Crash” after the relationship didn’t come without reason, It came because I was tired. I had put quite a bit of effort into trying to get this guy to keep me around. (I was more than smitten with him, and I had put all my eggs in one basket) I had stuck with him through all the “letters to his ex-girlfriend” (6 of them, about 1-2 pages each, not space, EDITED BY ME) his very depressed (yet understandable disposition, being sad because he didn’t communicate with his parents, and I was always terrified of how I behaved and what I said. I put myself in constant fear.
It was unessacery fear.
I was after a serious relationship, someone I could communicate with and trust with all my secrets. Someone I could be myself with.
And looking back it feels like I threw it at him.
He had been used to less serious relationships in the past (with one 2 year relationship that was very serious)
But I don’t know if I did it out of immaturity, or anxiety.
He didn’t get enough credit at the end of the relationship.
This morning I realized that there were two times I got really mad at him.
Once he came down to my room, after I had been sending very depressed text messages, and at first it was okay- but then-and god- I barely remember it at all, but I started saying that I didn’t think he really knew what love was. And I saw angry. And he left.
Then I ended up curled into a ball in my wardrobe o_____0
He eventually came back to my room, and I kept apologizing, because I don’t know what came over me, I told him it was probably the new medicine I had begun. (As it was out of character for me to become that “immaturely angry.”)
I think it was the last week of march, I had my first few anxiety attacks. He didn’t know what to do, and didn’t want to be around me because it stressed him out. Which now I see as more than acceptable.
I think I was on my 3rd panic attack the first night that they had started, I was next to him in bed, begging him to help me, but he wouldn’t say a word, and rolled over. I don’t remember exactly what happened once again, but I LOST IT.
I’m talking Angry woman-saying mean things in a upbeat happy-psycho tone with mixed in laughter- lost it.
And the next morning I kept getting strangely angry at him. I was eventually able to realize/explain that I was acting this way due to the anxiety.
Though, if you were in a situation while someone who was commonly “more than calm” just began ripping on you, you’d probably be in a state of shock, and regardless if it was due to anxiety, you’re not going to want to be around this person.
:In short, I get why he was so reluctant to break up with me. Being someone a person can share their depression, anxiety, and OCD with is something most would rather not due. Especially when it means dealing with the episodes that take place. And those “in-between medicine” that screw the person up for a good month or two.
I didn’t mean to treat him badly.
And I know friends would reassure me on this.
I just feel so terrible.
That it had to happen to him.
It won’t be a long time before I know what to make of things.
I just wonder, he stopped talking to me at the end- but am I allowed to message him now that it's been a while? Am I allowed to even speak to him? Do I send an apology letter to his sister for an stress I may have put on the family?