Work crisis... again... a cycle of mine

[surfacing]

Hi everyone,

I am sorry to dive right in with a crisis without really introducing myself, but I guess you get that a lot!
I have written an email to a counsellor I was seeing which I just wanted to post here to see what other people's experiences are like.
I am getting a lot of advice like wait it out, sleep on it, etc, instead of running away like I always do, but... I feel like I want them to fire me, to make the decision for me, so I can just go on benefits for a while or find a new job, again, but then the same thing will happen again. I think they might fire me anyway.

A lot of things have been happening in my personal life, and in relationships, too, and I've been pretty down for the last few months. Work was absolutely fantastic up until about a month and a half ago, and I've suddenly become incredibly miserable, tired, depressed, angry and have started to dislike the people I work for.

___

Hi Jim,

I would like to make an appointment if possible.
I am sorry to send you such a long email, if you can't look at it in your own time maybe we could just read it in a session so you are paid for your time.

It looks likely I a going to lose my job one way or another, I have been on a bit of a downward spiral and feeling extremely anxious and unhappy at work. They have taken me aside and said my work has slipped and isn't good enough, and I feel very unhappy there and keep crying. I had a hyperventilating panic attack and had feelings of dissociation while they were talking to me. A few weeks ago I had to take a week off due to feeling exhausted, dizzy, faint, weak and confused, so much so I couldn't really do much other than sit on the sofa for several days, and when I took my pulse it was 51. I saw the doctor but he couldn't find anything physically wrong with me, and I asked to be referred to a mental health team to get whatever additional help I can in terms of reviewing my medication. Do I have bipolar disorder? Could they try mood stabilizers? Can they sign me off on incapacity benefit, is there a chance I could still get such a thing under the new government? Since then I've felt that my bosses have held me at arms' length, have been whispering about me, and that something has been wrong. They asked me to take the sickness as holiday and didn't ask how I was when I got back so I thought they thought I was lying. They have also taken my keys off me as they are employing new staff and they don't want everyone to have keys, so in the morning I have to stand outside the office until they arrive, which feels slightly humiliating. They said since my review, where if you'll remember I was given a payrise and a glowing review, my work has slipped. To be honest I think some of the things they've 'noticed' are just the way I have always worked. Not using file heirarchies properly etc.

I wasn't sure if the whispering, feelings etc were my imagination but they've now raised various problems that they have with the way I work, and I've matched up the issues they've had with the times I thought they were whispering in the corner about me, and know that I wasn't imagining it.

I feel extremely sick, dizzy, vague, confused and have been having suicidal thoughts, because a similar pattern has happened with countless jobs I have had. A honeymoon period, then suddenly everything collapses and I feel like all relationships have broken down, I can't carry on my job without crying all the time, I may break down one or several times in front of my boss, I'm too upset to work and I feel terrified about asserting myself and so I usually leave, either by sneaking away and not saying anything at all or by going home and maybe resigning by email. This is what is happening now. I am trying my best not to fall prey to this pattern but I don't feel strong enough to be able to do it any other way.

I think it is clear I can't cope with a 9 to 5 job, but I am scared about my options. I also feel like a failure for being a coward again. I am worried about what James and I will do if neither of us can work, or if I keep on with the same pattern. I have thought about killing myself but I don't want to leave James. I thought about this a lot last night.

I am not sure if I can afford to see you for much longer or if it is the right route. I think I might have to go and stay with James' parents, where I have stayed before, or my mother for a while. This happens over and over and over again and I am deeply disappointed and ashamed that it is happening again.

Today I have gone home at lunchtime and said I am having an anxiety attack. They are not pleased with me. In the office I am watched closely and the atmosphere feels very toxic. I feel sick and vague. I have done my absolute best over the last few weeks but I don't think I can do what they want me to do. The last time I left a job like this I surreptitiously packed up all my things and actually literally ran away down the road, after feeling very anxious for several weeks and making lots of stupid mistakes, to the point where I couldn't bear to stick around anymore, after I really ballsed up a job by sending the wrong file to print on an expensive banner. Again I have packed up my things quietly and gone to lunch with very little intention of returning.

I have been referred to the ladywood mental health team. I am wondering about benefits etc and if this could be an option for me. I don't have much faith in their system, particularly after calling them up and being accidentally put on hold by a woman who seemed fairly confused, and because of my experiences in the past. However I am on quite a high dose of citalopram and if there is any alternative that might help me more then I need to try it and in order to do that I need to see a doctor.

Lots of people give me practical sensible advice but it makes me feel really angry because I feel like they don't know how hard I am trying and I have already considered what they say. That if I carry on with my job then everything will be okay and don't make a big deal about it, just try harder to do what they want, but I have tried as hard as I can. I know that is not the right way of looking at things and I am battling with that too.

I am sorry to send you such a long email.

____

And I am drafting an email to my bosses. The first is the edited version, and I've been told I should probably leave it overnight before doing anything. I went into work this morning and lasted until lunchtime before running away again.
I am a creative artworker, 25 years old. Artworker is less creative than it sounds, more about getting things ready for print so being technical and regimented, with some design, but my mind is a mess and I am not a regimented worker or thinker, being extremely anxious and fatigued a lot of the time.
____


Hi --- and ---,

I am very sorry to leave you in the lurch today.
I felt very anxious and had some panic issues at lunchtime.

I apologize that I reacted emotionally to your concerns, I realize that criticism should be able to be given without an emotional reaction. I have been trying very hard to work in the regimented, organized way that you want me to, but have found it difficult to work in a regimented way, and this means I can be inconsistent.

I am not sure that I am able to work in the manner that you want me to, but I am doing my best. I am aware that I am behind with a few things so have tried hard to focus and get things done but I am still not sure that the rate at which I work is fast enough even working through lunch, and I have found it difficult to work for prolonged periods to compensate without getting tension headaches and fatigue. I am not sure how to address this.

____

Some bits i edited out:

I have felt really worried since I have been away and sensed that you had some concerns and that you had been discussing me, and this has made me feel unwell. I appreciate that you raised the issues with me to try to help me, but had I realised at the time maybe I could have explained or done better. I did plan to arrange some holiday earlier on in the summer as I felt that I was becoming exhausted, but had not yet received my entitlement or details of a convenient time.

I feel that some of the issues you raise are historical rather than new and are things that I am still working on, for instance using the filing system consistently and tidily and the speed of my work, which is something I was concerned about from the beginning. I try to work to your particular standards and for me that sometimes takes a lot of tweaking and moving things around. You have asked me to ask when I am not sure, but when approaching a design I am rarely sure how I am going to do it and see it as a problem solving exercise. As an anxious person, I am never particularly sure of anything. Sometimes Ben is not available to ask and I have felt that I should finish things on my own in order to be faster.

______


I am tired of all this. I don't suppose anyone has any advice I haven't already been given, and I don't want to hear any of it, I just want to hide.

[Suzzy]

Hello! Welcome to the forum, hope it helps you... :) As regards your post - its like i could have written that!!! After leaving my job in december last year due to back problems (nothing to do with anxiety at this time) i seem to have totally lost the ability to maintain a job! I have managed to start - and resign - from 2 jobs due to anxiety issues in the last few months. In my most recent job i started and worked there for 3 weeks with no problems... then one day it was just too much and i was struggling so much with my symptoms - mainly extreme dizziness to the extent i have spent most of the last few months lying on the sofa! I took time off work hoping it would just be a couple of days and then i'd be ok. But time dragged on and i felt no better and before i knew it 7 weeks had passed! I ended up just wanting work to say 'sorry but we cant pay you sick pay anymore, you'll have to go' but they were so patient and kind. In the end i saw a neurologist and got a diagnosis of chronic hyperventilation and had to tell them that i wouldnt be going back... so i am now unemployed again. I thought not having the stress of work would make me better but it hasnt..... it just gives me more time to think and dwell and ive ended up feeling really low and depressed. I would say be very careful about what you wish for because i dont want you to give up your work and then find that it actually makes things worse. Financially im in real trouble because we cant survive off my husbands salary.... im about to try and claim ESA (dont know if you're in the UK?) but i have been warned that its very difficult to get incapacity benefits or anything similar for 'anxiety conditions'. If they turn me down then i will have to look for a job again which i am dreading.... but in my experience the best thing you can do is to try and keep busy! If you dont like your current job then you can look for something else? But i would think very hard about just resigning - and yes, i also resigned from one of my jobs by email so that i wouldnt have to see them again! Wouldnt recommend it though. :-) If you want to chat then feel free to message me! x

[surfacing]

Thanks Suzzy, it's nice to hear that. I know I shouldn't give up my job.... My mum says don't walk out. She has offered me somewhere to live and recuperate. I completely hear what you are saying about being at home and at a loose end making things worse. That's a big factor for me. The fear is, what if I can't stay at home and do nothing but I can't hold down a job either? I guess I am worried I will explode or something?!

I will try my best to eat, get some sleep, and go into work tomorrow. But I am absolutely terrified and feel like I can't go on, have been so down for so long. The plan is to do my best and see how it goes, I am worried I will just cry my eyes out and humiliate myself. But if I don't resign or walk out, that is a new thing at least. If I get fired, so be it.

Yeah I am in the UK, don't think benefits are going to be coming my way with the new government in :( My boyfriend has fairly severe chronic fatigue syndrome too, and depression, so has never had a job. He is struggling through uni at the moment. In Plymouth and I am in Birmingham. That doesn't really help.

I do feel better than i did earlier, and tomorrow I will probably feel better than i do now. it makes so little difference at the time though.
I don't think I can get any sort of sick pay at work so I can't just go off sick or anything. Maybe they would call my bluff and let me do that and never fire me so I'm basically stuck.

Mmmm anxiety.

So dizzyness is definitely anxiety? It's so hard to tell. So many things seem to be 'just anxiety'. And it's such a vague description that varies from person to person. So many people think I am just being silly, and in a way I am, but my thoughts and feelings are different and extreme.

[Suzzy]

Yeah i totally understand what you mean... im in the exact situation that you dont want to get yourself in! Im stuck at home with too much time on my hands and really would like to work but now i feel like i just physically and mentally am unable to work. Its a total catch-22 situation! Just think that every day that you make it into work when you really didnt want to go is a big step forward! Think you're a lot stronger than you think youare from what i can see... yes, it would be easy to just resign and spend some time at home recuperating. And obviously im sure that sounds very appealing! But i can assure you that it almost certainly wont go in your favour in the long run - speaking from experience. I firmly believe that if i had stuck it out in my last job, i wouldnt be in the situation im in now. Yes dizziness is a very real symptom of anxiety! You are breathing fast and shallow, often without even realising it and this causes you to hyperventilate which causes the dizziness... It sucks! And unfortunately its one of the hardest symptoms to get rid of. Ah, my sister had ME/CFS too! So i know how awful that can be... He's doing amazingly well to be going through uni! I really do understand how you're feeling right now.... its the most horrible feeling to be scared just to go into work every day. So you are having counselling now then? Have you tried any medication too? For some people they are worth a go and can really help!

[Rednip]

I'm very much the same ,I just feel so scared when working sounds stupid I know but just feel sick and try avoid as much as I can at work

[Suzzy]

Doesnt sound stupid to me at all! Im basically at the stage now where i dont feel good unless im in my own house.... the stress of having a job is just too much for me to handle now! My one regret is that i left my job because it has just made things a million times worse. And now that im 'out of the loop' of work, it jut makes it soooooo much harder to get back into it! Glad to know im not the only one who has such big struggles regarding work!

[surfacing]

Well, I've been suspended and have a disciplinary meeting tomorrow! I feel pretty sick. They don't understand why I seemed perfectly fine and then left, and say that my performance has got worse etc, and that they've always been compassionate about my mental health issues but can't make anymore allowances for it because 'it wouldn't be fair to other staff.'

I want to be fired, I am a coward, but I am going to go in and try to say my piece, with my mum there for support. It is hard to have the attitude to try hard and swallow my pride and do whatever it is they want me to do when all I want right now is to run away and hide for a while.

I guess at least if I get fired it won't be me running away so much.

I would like to try to do some illustration work as a freelancer at home, I never have the time. It is too hard to be self employed with the way I am, I can't 'sell' and find it difficult to complete work, but maybe with some downtime I could at least become good enough that in future I could have a purely 'creative' job that took account of my stupid problems and downfalls.

I feel like I've always had the same negative traits but they have just started noticing and nitpicking them, and with all the nitpicking and whispering I have just become so terrified and anxious all the time that I can't do any work decisively.

I feel really bad that I just want to be fired, and everybody says I should just carry on and that my feelings will blow over, but this is a cycle and it does happen over and over. Mum says it breaks her heart to see me like this and I've been like it since I was 9, she just wants to look after me. I want to be rescued and looked after too, which isn't healthy but it's not something I've allowed her to do yet, so it suddenly seems worth a try. She does have a room for me, it's in the country and they've got two dogs, it would be more difficult to get around but there may be some enforced relaxation involved. I alwyas thought I would go stir crazy but maybe not when i am this low. I had a few bad things happen in my personal life this year and I thought I would get over them but it's all snuck up on me and taken me down and lasted so much longer than I thought.

A few weeks ago I had a glowing positive review at work and got a payrise, and it was such a shock as I really thought I wans't doing very well that I went on a drinking binge and I haven't felt all that great since, especially since I was essentially molested by someone I knew, too.

I really think they are just looking more closely at my work and seeing what has always been there, that I am scatty and find it difficult to focus and am exhausted, all of which I've told them on many occasions.

I just feel confused, I won't really know anything until tomorrow. My biggest fear is that they will make me stay and that I will have to act completely differently and i feel they have really 'switched off' towards me and I them, I can't see the relationship being repaired.

I would just leave, but then I wouldn't even be able to get the dole.

[mscinderella]

You need a break away from work for a while. Your not quitting. You are putting your health first and there is nothing wrong with that. Take time to your self. You can always get another job when you feel better.

[Suzzy]

Good for you for having the attitude of wanting to go and say your piece! That takes such courage... :) And if after you've had your say, they still fire you, you can stand proud and know that this time you didnt just sit back and let it happen. Sounds to me like this time you have really tried so you sholdnt feel bad about things if you end up going.... and i think some time in the country with your mum looking after you for a bit might do you some good! Although i live in the country and it doesnt seem to help me much... haha. But seriously, a quieter pace of life for a while might be just what you need. Of course, it might be that your work may feel differently about you once they've heard your side of the story. They are not allowed to fire you because of ill health, thats illegal. And if they do say you can stay, then hopefully some changes will be made to make your work life more bareable... what kind of work do you do? Is it a particularly stressful job or is it just being at a workplace thats the problem? Anyway, GOOD FOR YOU for standing up for yourself! Wish you lots of luck for tomorrow and however things go, you know you did your best and that things will change for you one way or another.... :)

[surfacing]

Am waiting for the 'verdict' now. Feel extremely sick. Went with my mum and she prompted me a bit.
Lots of talk about my recent conduct, my capacity to work, my inability to do what I'm asked, etc.
Mum thought they were really kind and accommodating. I feel differently, but I get the impression that is because I am insane. We seemed to have different interpretations of events and situations.

My mum asked if they would consider giving me some unpaid leave until I feel I am able to go back. They said I am obviously in a bad place with my illness. They asked if I was still taking my medication. They said they cannot make any other accommodations for me because it would be unfair to other staff. They asked if I felt I would get better and my mum kept prompting me to say what I could do to improve the way I work. I just felt sick and humiliated.

They are thinking about things now and will get in touch with my mum.
My mum and her partner suggested getting in touch with a housing office as I am losing my flat soon and that I would be put in a hostel... I really don't want to do that.

They kept asking about what 'triggered' my recent downfall. They thought all sorts of things, like the fact they were taking on new staff. I don't feel that is it. I was devastated by a relationship earlier in the year and a few weeks ago I got drunk and was molested and those haven't helped. I resent the implication that I felt bitter somehow about them taking on new staff. I had actually looked forward to it, thinking that things would be a lot better.

But other people think they can see the causes of my behavior a lot better than me and they are probably right.

I feel humiliated, ashamed and still terrified, and I am scared that people will stop loving me because I am a coward and have been having horribly, angry thoughts about all sorts of people, including my employers.

I tried to follow up a referral to the NHS mental health team earlier in the week but they seemed to have lost my details and said they would put me in the system and call me back, which they didn't, so I called again today and they said exactly the same thing again.

I would really like to try for support allowance/incapacity at least for a while. I don't think many people in my life would approve and would think I am a coward and can do better - provided of course that I would actually be able to get any sort of support like that.

[surfacing]

People often say I am stronger than I think and I don't know what it means. Does it mean I worry too much? I think I interpret it as meaning, stop being a baby, you'll be fine.

[Suzzy]

I wouldnt interpret it as that at all! Thats certainly not how i meant it.... i just think that even though you obviously arent happy at work, the fact that you are still trying to stick at it is admirable and so you clearly have an inner strength to be able to do that. People tell me im stronger than i think too but i never believe them! :) I think its something others are able to see but when you're in the mindset that most of us 'anxiety/depression sufferers' are, we just arent able to see it and only tend to focus on the negative characteristics - like you saying you feel ashamed and humiliated etc. Of course theres no reason why you should feel that way, but i totally understand why you feel that way because ive been in a similar situation and felt exactly the same! I feel like a complete waste of space right now because i have no job, very few friends (they all gave up on me long ago!) and no life at all really... but if you were to ask my mum, she'd have nothing but praise and good things to say about me! Its the way we're wired i think when we're in a 'bad' place. Sounds like we're both lucky to have supportive mums though! At least you got through the meeting... thats a good thing! I hope that you get the verdict soon, the wait is the worst i think! Then once you get the verdict, you can make a decision about what to do next....

[surfacing]

yep :)

You've been really helpful and kind, thank you xx

[Suzzy]

You're very welcome! :) GOOD LUCK with the result..... whichever way it goes! x

[surfacing]

Soooo... My mum called me with the result. (We got them to call her instead of me because I'm pathetic, lol!)

They're letting me go, but, they said they think I'm really talented and would like to employ me to do some freelance work sometimes, just the drawing/creative part. (I've been doing some artwork for handmade burger co. and some other stuff which is hand drawing and illustration, maybe that sort of thing.)

So that is good. The thoughts/feelings I was having earlier were: relief. relief that I don't have to pretend to be able to cope anymore. a bit of humiliation. Being taken down a few pegs. Facing up to my issues. Maybe now I can try to work out a plan for the future based on the things I can do instead of trying to do things that I can't. I've been desperately trying to get people to acknowledge my difficulties and incapabilities and I should have been acknowledging them myself.

I am starting to feel more anxious again though, now: running over the meeting in my head, their faces, their puzzlement, my humiliation, my thoughts and feelings lately, and being finally called out on being a total mess, finally exposed. I'm a bit scared and worried about the future already. Mostly I'm scared of being scared; I know that anxiety is my biggest obstacle in accomplishing my goals and dreams and that I'll be going round in circles again. I will try to keep in mind something someone said in another thread about anxiety being a big bluff. But, you know, I have been trying, for years.

I remembered something earlier, - my childhood fear of monsters, the thing under the bed, ghosts and other things - I was always scared of my reaction more than anything the monster might do; afraid that if I saw something or something grabbed my ankle I would be so terrified I would have a heart attack or something and it would be painful. Scared of being scared!

[Suzzy]

Oh yeah, fear of something happening is nearly always worse than it ACTUALLY happening!!! You are literally fearful about feeling scared... Im sorry to hear that they came to that decision, but I actually think it could work really well for you to do some freelance for a bit. Definitely takes the pressure off you, but you will still get some money coming in! Sounds like you've got a great talent so have you thought about starting your own illustration business? I would love to be able to work for myself but have yet to find my talent! haha. Seriously though, you can work when you want to, only take on as much as you feel you can etc. Could be really good I think! Dont dwell on feeling anxious about it.... whats done is done. See this as a chance to make a fresh start! This could be the beginning of something great for you. :)