swifteclispe
02-08-2007, 05:42 AM
Like some advice. Following is something I wrote last Tuesday morning. I feel now I am in limbo. Has anyone else gone through what follows?
QUOTE
Well. Today is Tuesday. Last night I went off the rails. I gave myself special dispensation before-hand as I promised myself I would sort myself out come Tuesday. Amazing what we do to excuse ourselves drinking. I went out in three waves yesterday--more later.
I started hitting the booze quite hard again last week. I do/did part-time work and my contract ended on Friday 2 Feb. The place itself exists to help people with mental health problems find work, and I was asked to first do voluntary work for them, and then to work properly with a 14 week contract. My contract was then extended a further four weeks. Last week I was kinda hoping someone would realise my contract was ending again and let me know what my next move was. The easy, normal solution would be for me to broach the subject with them but as many of you possibly understand, normal things like this I find impossible. In other words I was too scared to ask them in case they told me that they didn't want me anymore--terror of rejection, but still very ridiculous of me considering I am a 39 year old bloke.
So what did I do? After my last day there (it has to be said that people's behaviour, bosses included seemed to indicate that they were not aware that my contract was ending), I e-mailed my job coach (she was the one who wanted me to do the voluntary work and then the part-time job) to let her know that I knew the contract was ending. However, because I guess of pride/anxiety on my part, I may have given the impression that I was OK with the contract ending, even to the extent that I expected to move on. The truth is that I am not. Even though I am very reticent when I am there, I have got used to going in. The e-mail was last Wednesday and I have still heard nothing. I am now paranoid that they just wanted rid of me, that they think I am an idiot (probably am anyway), that they regret taking me on in the first place but the best thing to do was quietly let his contract run out and hope he disappears.
This all may sound innocuous in relation to the world in general, but I feel rejected. I may not have been rejected, and I may have unwittingly engineered my own rejection, but that is how I feel, and my ego is such that I have always taken rejection very, very hard.
I realise that there is a deeper issue going on--I am actually in terrible need of love. But I have got far too much baggage to do anything about it. I cannot give love right now anyhow, and I really don't think I have been able to in the past. Even with friends etc. and family, I cannot concentrate on what they are saying--their own problems, joys etc. as I keep thinking of my own. All my relationships with women have been tumultuous, love/hate affairs and when I look back I have to admit that my own fears and paranoias played no small part in this.
There was evidence early on at where I worked that I was accepted and valued--one person in particular was very complimentary at the work Xmas party. I started becoming attached to work. Glimmers of hope started to come through. But now I feel rejected. Which takes me to going off the rails, which started last week.
As I said, yesterday I went out in three waves. I got out of the house early in the morning it is that day I would normally have gone in work and I thought that if the people at work actually did not realise that my contract had ended, they might ring me to ask if anything was wrong. I really wanted them to ring, but was far too anxious to wait for a call.
So I go out in the morning. Afternoon I hit a few pubs. Alone--I am good at this, years of experience. Isolated--mostly self inflicted, I am too proud/anxious to ask friends if they would like to go out because I take a no as a rejection. This is a nightmare. God help me, yesterday I wanted to talk to someone.
So I go home. I discover that work have not rung me. I assume this is a rejection and feel terrible. I quickly eat. I cannot stay in with just me and an empty night--normally I can, but not when I feel I have been rejected or am disliked.
I go out for the second wave. This time more bitter/hurt/alone. Hit five more pubs. Closing time. Get home. Still cannot stay in with the night. Go out for the third wave, asking taxi-driver for the direction of late night drinking haunts. Go to two of them. By time I hit the third, the bouncer does not let me in, possible on account of being too drunk and wobbly by then. Finally got home and slept. Awoke with no hangovers--just a feeling of mild confidence induced by the booze. I am scared of my come down tonight because I get rendered very vulnerable and paranoid.
I am now scared of falling into a similar episode (manic) to the one I had in late 2003, which lasted about 8 months with a 4 week depression in between. When I came down, early 2004, I entered the most harrowing and drawn out depression of my life.
So today is Tuesday. I have to calm down. I have to not worry about being alone tonight. I realise there may not be much point to this rambling post, but I thought getting all this self-obsessed whirring out of my head may help. Apologies if I have bored or annoyed you, but thankyou for your patience.
UNQUOTE
QUOTE
Well. Today is Tuesday. Last night I went off the rails. I gave myself special dispensation before-hand as I promised myself I would sort myself out come Tuesday. Amazing what we do to excuse ourselves drinking. I went out in three waves yesterday--more later.
I started hitting the booze quite hard again last week. I do/did part-time work and my contract ended on Friday 2 Feb. The place itself exists to help people with mental health problems find work, and I was asked to first do voluntary work for them, and then to work properly with a 14 week contract. My contract was then extended a further four weeks. Last week I was kinda hoping someone would realise my contract was ending again and let me know what my next move was. The easy, normal solution would be for me to broach the subject with them but as many of you possibly understand, normal things like this I find impossible. In other words I was too scared to ask them in case they told me that they didn't want me anymore--terror of rejection, but still very ridiculous of me considering I am a 39 year old bloke.
So what did I do? After my last day there (it has to be said that people's behaviour, bosses included seemed to indicate that they were not aware that my contract was ending), I e-mailed my job coach (she was the one who wanted me to do the voluntary work and then the part-time job) to let her know that I knew the contract was ending. However, because I guess of pride/anxiety on my part, I may have given the impression that I was OK with the contract ending, even to the extent that I expected to move on. The truth is that I am not. Even though I am very reticent when I am there, I have got used to going in. The e-mail was last Wednesday and I have still heard nothing. I am now paranoid that they just wanted rid of me, that they think I am an idiot (probably am anyway), that they regret taking me on in the first place but the best thing to do was quietly let his contract run out and hope he disappears.
This all may sound innocuous in relation to the world in general, but I feel rejected. I may not have been rejected, and I may have unwittingly engineered my own rejection, but that is how I feel, and my ego is such that I have always taken rejection very, very hard.
I realise that there is a deeper issue going on--I am actually in terrible need of love. But I have got far too much baggage to do anything about it. I cannot give love right now anyhow, and I really don't think I have been able to in the past. Even with friends etc. and family, I cannot concentrate on what they are saying--their own problems, joys etc. as I keep thinking of my own. All my relationships with women have been tumultuous, love/hate affairs and when I look back I have to admit that my own fears and paranoias played no small part in this.
There was evidence early on at where I worked that I was accepted and valued--one person in particular was very complimentary at the work Xmas party. I started becoming attached to work. Glimmers of hope started to come through. But now I feel rejected. Which takes me to going off the rails, which started last week.
As I said, yesterday I went out in three waves. I got out of the house early in the morning it is that day I would normally have gone in work and I thought that if the people at work actually did not realise that my contract had ended, they might ring me to ask if anything was wrong. I really wanted them to ring, but was far too anxious to wait for a call.
So I go out in the morning. Afternoon I hit a few pubs. Alone--I am good at this, years of experience. Isolated--mostly self inflicted, I am too proud/anxious to ask friends if they would like to go out because I take a no as a rejection. This is a nightmare. God help me, yesterday I wanted to talk to someone.
So I go home. I discover that work have not rung me. I assume this is a rejection and feel terrible. I quickly eat. I cannot stay in with just me and an empty night--normally I can, but not when I feel I have been rejected or am disliked.
I go out for the second wave. This time more bitter/hurt/alone. Hit five more pubs. Closing time. Get home. Still cannot stay in with the night. Go out for the third wave, asking taxi-driver for the direction of late night drinking haunts. Go to two of them. By time I hit the third, the bouncer does not let me in, possible on account of being too drunk and wobbly by then. Finally got home and slept. Awoke with no hangovers--just a feeling of mild confidence induced by the booze. I am scared of my come down tonight because I get rendered very vulnerable and paranoid.
I am now scared of falling into a similar episode (manic) to the one I had in late 2003, which lasted about 8 months with a 4 week depression in between. When I came down, early 2004, I entered the most harrowing and drawn out depression of my life.
So today is Tuesday. I have to calm down. I have to not worry about being alone tonight. I realise there may not be much point to this rambling post, but I thought getting all this self-obsessed whirring out of my head may help. Apologies if I have bored or annoyed you, but thankyou for your patience.
UNQUOTE