Im a mess

[robbor]

Hey guys, Im really a mess and could use some support. I cant seem to break the cycle and change my life. Every single thing is going REALLY bad right now. Ive been out of work for about 3 years now and as I look through the job listings I almost have painck attacks. I cannot sleep at all. The thoughts are getting alot worse, will I ever get anywhere? All my lifes hard work has gone down the drain, and no one cares. I put myself here but cant seem to get myself out. I just cant see any good, any more. I dont have anyone to talk to. Help!
Ive been working on getting a civil service job for the last almost 2 years and as it gets close the panick is setting in. 1 I passed a year ago but quit my job at the same time, it comes due next month but I am so afraid they will recheck my employment and pass me up. I applied for 2 others, one declined me and the other I am in process but I cant see an offer. I really messed my life up. I cant seem to get any jobs I go after, even stupid ones, I never even get a response.

[V for Victor]

You came to right place, as there are many people here who can sympathize with what you're going through and give you support. :)

What is it that scares you about getting a job? You mentioned that just looking at the want ads can make you very afraid.

Are you bothered by large crowds, or the idea of going outside and meeting new people, and interacting?

Please don't feel too down on yourself. You can get your life back on track. :)

[robbor]

everything, i have not been able to find a decent job. So the idea of being stuck in a low paying, go no where, prick for a boss job doesnt sound good. It seems all i ever do is spin my wheels, all rejections and Im way to smart and a hard worker so doing a meanial job is really going to get me down. My last couple of bosses have been liars and crooks. I apply for crappie jobs but no response either.

[jitters]

Hi robbor

V for Victor is right, you have come to the right place recovery starts here. And with the realisation that you are not alone, you are not mad and that it is an illness which is both treatable and which you can beat.

Dont be too hard on yourself, you job does not define you. You will eventually find something which is for you. But before you do you have to treat the anxiety and your self confidence will rise. When you feel confident in yourself others will be more confident in you and you will find a job. Try not to just go after stupid jobs because if you dont really want the job people will sense it and you wont get a reply, especially if you are over qualified.

Try to smile look around this site, ask questions if you have any.

We're here if you need us. :)

Stay Strong

Duncan

[robbor]

Well I just received my letter of permanent disqualification from one of the jobs that I have been working on for a year. It just keeps getting worse and worse. I am just to tired, I cant find any strength at this point. And I just cant see any future that resembles happiness :( .

[V for Victor]

Robbor,

You're at a point in your life where you're going to have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, dust yourself off, and keep going.

I know you feel like you haven't got anymore fight left in you, but you do. You've got to force yourself to keep going.

I think a lowpay, menial job with a prick for a boss would get anybody down. A lot depends on your perspective.

You can say, "I'm going to go get a job I really don't want because I need to get out and get some money, but then I'll be stuck doing it for the rest of my life," or you can say, "I'm going to go get a job I really don't want because I need to get out and get some money, but it's only going to be temporary while I get myself back on track, and can move onto what I really want to do."

It sounds like the most important thing for you to do is get some help to strike at the root of your problem. Do you think you should consider talking to a doctor about going on some medication, at least until you can get a handle on your emotions? Medication can help you get out from underneath the depression, and give you a chance to get your strength back.

[robbor]

Sorry but that is how I really feel. The last job I had was one of those crapy jobs and I dreaded it and thought about quitting everyday, way to many scumbags. It was a mistake to quite but to late for that now.
As for meds, When I started getting really sick about 6 years ago I started going to the Doc almost every 2 weeks. He was a huge quack. after about 10 visits of saying I feel terrible and im stressed way out, I got another doctor. They sent me to the Psych dept, well after one visit with all their policys and me being a gun owner and an honest person, no way I was going back there. My next Doc gave me meds for almost a year then cut me off cold turkey. They did not really care anyway, never got a follow up visit, its Kiaser and half the time I ask for an appointment and its avail in 2 months. I have switched doctors yet again but have not been on any meds for over a year. Same deal, an appointment takes a month or more, no meds over the phone reguardless, they say go to psych and thats it. I really dont have any $$$ to spend Id have to borrow money to go to the doc and dont want to pay if I cant get meds. I know what I have to and only I can fix me but without a job and some close support it is not going to happen there is no way I can work on my issues. The only meds that seemed to help were for anx and sleeping pills but I dont have a prescription even though Iv thought about trying to buy them online. I almost cant do anything any more, when I try to do something fun, my anx kicks in I dont sleep at all and then Im no fun. Same with work, I start looking online and at the want ads and then some panick starts to kick in and I cannot sleep and end up stressed and trashed.
Ther were some other question I did not answer above, I dont like going out in crowds, but I do and will. I went to a self help group a while back but other experiences set me off and me as a babbling iddiot never ends well.

[V for Victor]

Does getting a job (any job) bother you more because of your anxiety and fears, or because you probably won't like the work or the people?

[robbor]

mainly because I wont like the work, pay, total lack of any benefits or vacation, I will basically become their slave and If i leave then I have another ding on my record. I do top quality work and am a very hard worker but my ability is mechanical(not a mechanic) and no one seems pay anything. But like I have said I have applied for a bunch of normal crappy jobs but Ive never gottena single response. Over the last 3 years I have applied for some civil service jobs and from some very dificult test out of 500-1000 people I will end up placing #3,4 or 5 and not get a job. And then with not working or being able to get a decent job why would someone higher me for a better possition if they wouldnt then.

[V for Victor]

To get better you may end up having to do some things you might really not want to do, and that may include getting a job you hate. Remember, it doesn't have to be forever, you can keep looking for something better in the meantime, and still have some income.

[robbor]

yes I dont havce any choice in the matter unless I become a transient.

[stressedntexas]

This is just a suggestion, but while you're searching it may help how employees look at you if you take some advancement courses related to your profession. You can take a less-than-perfect job and attend an advancement course either at a local university or online. That way, you're showing employers that you're working AND bettering yourself and you have the well-founded feeling that you're working to improve your situation. Right now you feel like you don't have control over what's happening to you. That class may give you some of your control back. "Yes, I'm in a crappy job, but I'm working my way out of that at the same time." All the while you're looking for something better. You may also find some satisfaction in getting even better at what you do and employers will see that you've not only utilized your talents and skills recently (so they don't see you as out-of-practice) but you're also getting a "leg up" on your competition.

Whatever you do, or don't do for that matter, you are going to be fine. You may have to swallow a little pride in the process, but I've had to do that numerous times. It was usually worth it in the long run.

Hope you're doing okay.

[robbor]

I dont mean to sound like a broken record or unrealistic, but I really have been trying.

I have been back to school and just started my second semester in a row, I tried to use that to help me possible gain one of these 3 jobs, which I only have 1 left. I am one 5 unit class away from my AA. So far it has not helped.

[stressedntexas]

You don't sound like a broken record. You're just frustrated and we can all understand that. I usually stay frustrated. :)

I think one thing that has usually frustrated me is trying to make sense out of why things are the way they are in my condition. I wasn't rationalizing. I felt like I was a hampster on a wheel going no where in life, and still feel like that a lot of times.

Since I started talking about my issues (like you're doing) I get some relief. Each day seems to get better and things get a little clearer. I still have my moments-BELIEVE ME only now there's a light at the end of the tunnes.

Keep talking and get it all out. Be brutally honest with yourself and others in your postings and hang in there. We can all work through these things together.

[jitters]

Yeah keep at it & you'll get there.

Duncan