Emotional Anxiety - Fear has my heart

[fearinmyheart]

Hey Everyone. This will be long, so please forgive. I'm trying to figure out what the best path is for me to heal. Been dealing with this on and off for 15 years now, and enough is enough. I've been told its many things over the time, but the most persistant diagnosis seems to be GAD. Fine, but I want my heart back. Anyway, I find getting help a little difficult, as my fears are around being emotionally destroyed, whereas it seems most others have physical fears. And fears are hard to face when your body can just wisk your emotions away when it feels threatened instead of dealing with them.

I was a sensitive, passionate, very happy kid. Certainly more weary of new things at first than most kids, but super happy. No troubles at home. I don't know if you can remember those moments when you were a kid when you were terrified, maybe of a new situation or whatever, and your parents pushed you to try, and then all of the sudden you realized that thing you were extremely afraid of was actually fun and exciting and your heart would let go/ open up. I remember that happenening a lot when I was a kid, but I would always eventually realize 'it was ok', and open up. (Sometimes with a big cry.)

When I was around 15, I fell deeply, passionately in love with a girl. Definitely harder than any boy of that age should. After roughly 6-8 months of time, this girl broke up with me out of the blue. I never thought it could/would happen. I took it incredibly hard. I didn't know there was pain out there that strong. It was as if I just couldn't process the idea we were no longer together. To me it was even worse than someone dying because this person was choosing to leave me. It took me months to recover. I sobbed, grieved and ached. But eventually one day something clicked, and I was able to let go and be happy again. I remember the specific moment I let go and learned to open my heart to the world again. Truly. I was happy again.

So a few months after feeling like myself again, and actually happy, this same girl decided to get back together with me. We had a wonderful relationship again and I was happier than ever. Then the same event came about that had resulted in her dumping me the year before. I was terrified the same thing was going to happen again. When she returned from this event I was sure something was wrong and I biked over her house as fast as I could. When I was almost there I felt a numbness sweep over me. I couldn't feel... anything. In a sense I've never really recovered from that. It was like a switch went off, and my heart retreated deep into my chest. I felt as though I should be able to flip it back on, like when I was a kid in a new situation, to will it to feel again (especially since she wasn't actually going to break up with me), but I was closed for business for good.

I realize this sounds ridiculous for the beginnings of whatever is wrong with me. Lots of people go through breakups, hard ones, and end up ok. But its the moment this all started, and I was truly decimated by the first breakup. I read that a lot of times GAD starts with a painful event around that age.

I knew I loved this girl with every fiber of my body, so I fought it hard and went through a lot of depression/anxiety, but I was somehow cut off from those loving emotions. Instead replaced by either complete numbness, or this urgent fear to get away from any interactions with her that should involve emotions (so basically anything aside from watching a movie or something similarly safe). I knew the emotions were down there, as I could feel them sometimes down there, but my heart was just not willing to engage. It was like a scared little kid hiding its head under the blankets. Too afraid to listen to any reason. Over the next few years I dealt with this and saw therapists that were unable to really help. It was as if I was locked in this 'flinch' state where I was ready for something incredibly painful to come down on me, and I wanted to cry, but my body wouldn't let me get it all out and be brave again. Stuck in this forever waiting for something to come destroy me emotionally. I remember saying at times that it felt like I was going through the breakup all over again, but was just caught there and couldn't escape. My wonderful emotions were replaced by this holding pattern anxiety and wanting to cry. It was as if I were in one of those moments when I was a kid where I was timid and closed down at first, but the courage never came back this time, and my heart stayed in hiding.

I would try and fight with it, to pull it out and address it, but that would only make me more anxious, as the fear just wouldn't let me heart go. I felt the emotions sitting in my chest, needing to explode, but it was as if my body wouldn't just let me. Maddening because I both desperately needed to release the emotions and engage with life again, and at the same time was unable to let/force myself to do so. An extremely uncomfortable internal battle. My only recourse was to give up and try and ignore it because I couldn't physically stay in that extremely anxious/fearful state for too long. It affected not only my relationship with the girl, but eventually anything in my life that involved some sort of emotional connection. I couldn't 'feel' music like I used to. Interacting with close family and close friends was upsetting because I was trying to interact normally, while actually in this flinch state emotionally and wanting to escape. I was able to hang out with the guys since those interactions were largely un-threatening emotionally. When I did attempt to interact with those I was close to, I felt as if my words in conversations were cut off from the emotions in my mind and heart, especially in therapy sessions, which didn't help when I was trying to access the issue and deal with it. It was as if I was stuck behind glass watching what used to be my happy life slip away. Like I didn't have the courage to feel again, even though I wanted to badly. It honestly felt like I had the ability, but just couldn't get there. So I'd swallow it down, and go through life in this very narrow emotional range. I'd always go back to fighting with that fear, trying to pull it up and deal with it, because I just felt... off. And while feeling that fear was bad, at least I felt connected when I was fearful.

The only times I would really have any relief were at moments of loss. At a funeral for instance, all of the sudden my body would open up with this well of sobs, sometimes inappropriate for how well I knew the deceased. It was as if my body was welcoming the shoe finally dropping. The pain I had been waiting for was hitting (or at least the excuse), and it felt amazing to cry hard. I can't describe how free I suddenly felt. But gradually the relief would pass, and I was back in my shell. It only ever seems to be external events that cause my guard to fall and to release. I can't push through this incredible defense mechanism on my own. In another instance I finally broke up with that same girl in college as I just was searching for ways to fix myself. As soon as I broke up with her, I sobbed hard, and felt all the love for her come rushing out finally. For that brief moment I felt like myself again. But again it only lasted for a short period of time. Maddening to know so how much you love someone, and then be cut back off from it. The whole watching through glass thing again. There was a few short sweet moments of joy when I met a girl or two in college, but I would quickly close back up when anything seemed amiss or things started to get serious. I told girls that I wasn't able to love anymore. I did learn to love my (eventual) wife after many years of fighting the fear, and had a wonderful moment of joy when I proposed, but then closed back up.

[fearinmyheart]

Fast forward many years later now. I've learned to cope fairly well. I can escape the extreme fear almost all the time. I certainly have anxiety and the occasional panic attack. I'm always pretty tired, able to sleep for 10-12 hours easily if I have the time. I know I love my wife (even though I may not feel it as deeply most of the time as I want), and I'm fairly successful in my career. I've grown a little bit of a panic problem (I feel) as a result of this. (The last time I tried to 'force' myself to deal with this fear or whatever about 5 years ago, I put myself in the hospital with a two day panic attack.) I'm essentially a pro at distracting myself. I live a decent life, but its largely on the surface... its roots don't go deep. I've had a few moments where I feel more deeply... the occasional romantic movie choking me up out of nowhere (geez notebook), some aching in my heart when my dog has to have surgery. But on a normal day if I really pause and just try to be, I can feel that same flinch state waiting there, and a well of emotions sitting tight in my chest with a wanting to cry/release, but my heart afraid to engage.

I want more than anything in the world to let this guard down and truly feel my life. I've honestly got a lust for life, and I think I've got a pretty good one going, but I really want to experience it. In a year or so I'll have kids on the way, and I want to be an open and loving father with them. Not a shell of a father that loves them, but is too stuck to really show them how much. Its not that I'm 100% numb, I feel a safe range of emotions but its like trying to go through life while expecting someone to hit you. Its hard to really live. I don't expect to be euphoric all the time, but I want to be able to experience lifes ups and downs.

After that breakdown 5 years ago (big panic attack) I've essentially gone along ignoring it since. Its the only way I can really live a somewhat normal life. In fact I think that's been my most successful treatment. I think I gradually grow my emotional range while I ignore it, and even perhaps start to enjoy some portions of life, but if I grow too far outside my comfort zone, or discover something emotionally threatening, I either clam back up, or come crashing down and I'm overtaken with extreme fear. Once last year, and then again this year that huge fear hit again. The fear hit me so bad it was debilitating. Absolutely terrifying. But at the same time I really connect with my emotions when I'm feeling the fear, and remember how good it feels, and how much I'm missing out on. I feel my love for my wife, and remember what I want most in life, to love my wife and (eventual) kids. All this other stuff I enjoy instead (work, technology, etc.) just aren't even remotely as important. As that extreme fear gradually fades, and I fall back into my emotional safe zone, I feel defeated, as if another opportunity to beat that fear has come and gone, and I'm losing that important sensitive/loving part of myself again.

I want to try to get better again here, but my biggest problem with talk therapy is that I just tend to numb up and can't get anywhere. I can feel that I'm too afraid to face this, and that the talking I've done doesn't address the fear at the deeper level. I beat myself up over it because it feels as if I just don't have the courage to open up my heart again, but the fear feels as if its a level below conciousness... and I can't reason with it or really pull it up to address it.

I love my wife. I like life. But I'm owned by fear somehow. I want to Love with a capital L like I used to. I want to feel music again, and stop having to try and live through this shallow state. I'm also not sure how long I can survive in this state. Sooner or later I have to face it, I just have no idea if its even possible. Its like living on a bridge that is gradually crumbling. Somehow my heart is too terrified to jump off and can only keep moving backwards on the bridge, when if it would just trust me and make the jump it would find that the water is warm and enjoyable, even if the jump is scary to get there.

I don't know if this is just a very intense primal fear of getting hurt like that again, buried grief, some sort of trauma reflex, or something else. I know I have the ability to open back up again because I can remember it, picture it, even feel it sometimes, but I don't know how to will myself to do so, or what path to follow to get there if I can find the courage.

A couple times during this latest raw episode of debilitating fear, for whatever reason, I was able to let go. Most of the time its just little bursts of emotion, as if my heart would escape fear's grasp for just a moment and some laughter or tears would bubble up. I would cry at some touching videos, and one glorious time I sobbed while watching a mob proposal video. Afterwards it felt as if everything was finally ok... like my heart finally realized 'hey, its going to be ok'. I was free! Myself again! But the fear slowly crept back in.

What makes it even worse is when I start analyzing myself every second for how I'm doing emotionally, especially with my wife. Then the thoughts just start going crazy. "Should be feeling more." "I'm shut down right now." "Never going to be free hearted again." My thoughts just make the whole thing way, way worse, and I shut down even more.

I've started regular mindful meditation (ride the wild horse from helpguide.org), and I think its actually really helpful. I think I'm connecting some there, and slowly maybe getting more comfortable with my emotions. Some tears, lots of yawns, and sitting with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I'm going to keep it up, but I have no idea how to not think about and analyze my emotions the rest of the day. I think that's maybe my biggest obstacle. I'm talking to a therapist, which was helpful during the couple weeks when I was really raw and in touch with the fear, less so now that its mostly subsided. (The whole shutting down emotionally when trying to talk about it.) Any other suggestions would be so grateful. I know there is a way to get past this and open up again emotionally. I can feel it. This isn't a natural state that I'm in. I just don't know how, but this emotionally limited me is just not acceptable, not with how short life is. How do I prop up my heart again?

[joshbagosh]

With all due respect sir, you remind me of Jesus, when he is getting whipped And beat to the very edge of death. And Jesus is basically emotionless through the whole beating. It's like the whole world refuses to see Him, beating him, killing him, and all He does is just take it like an animal that plays "dead" when there's danger.

But he took those beatings for a purpose. So we could be free and live and love. I personally struggle with GAD and I discovered that there was a reason why I'm struggling with anxiety. I had a void or a hole waiting to be filled! And I filled it with Christ! The bible says fear nothing but God and that's what I've been doing in the past few months. I've replaced my fears with the hope of God!

Wether you think it or not I do believe you have emotion! Just by your post I could tell! You write vividly and to the point...almost made me tear up a bit...

I suggest that you fill your void! And it seems as though you release your emotions better (by my understanding) while writing! Try buying a journal and writing in it everyday! Just for yourself to read and no one else! Write everything you did and how you felt during the day! Maybe that would be a good way to release these emotions so you don't have to keep bottling them up! At least you'll get them out!

I hope this helps and God bless!

[fearinmyheart]

The thing is, I know I feel some. I know I love deep down. But my heart is truly afraid of strong emotions. Sometimes some bubble up. Its like an engine trying to turn over, but never quite gets there. I can go back to living with it, or I can find a solution. I just don't know what.