I am going crazy

[CoolMist80]

Hi, my name is Erin, and I have been having problems with feeling so bad for the past 20 years. I'm 35 now. By feeling bad, I mean down on life, down on people's treatment of myself and others, down on job prospects, etc. I have been really depressed and suicidal. I've always fantasized about suicide, but so far, haven't even come close to carrying it out. Something always seems to come along to snap me out of it ... usually I fall asleep and the next morning is better. But, it's like, how much of this daily depression grind can I continue to endure? I get up, go to a job I hate and am unappreciated at, the people I work with are all younger than me so we have nothing in common, then I come home where I have the entire night to reflect. The nighttime is the worst ... too much time to think.

I also have a big problem with comparing myself to other people my age... how much more successful they are, how much more money they make, how they have responsible roles in their jobs. I know I can be that kind of person, but I am afraid that since I've spent so much of my life being depressed and isolationist, that it may be really hard if not impossible to get back in a professional role. They would surely ask about my gaps in employment or lack of references since no one stuck their neck out for me when I was in that state of mind. I imagine I was sort of always seen as the oddball, loner, sad person who people would rather avoid. It's probably true, but makes sense I guess.

Another big thing is anxiety and feeling like I'm screwing something big up. I have a lot of jobs right now and have to remember a million things all at once. Making mistakes as we all do is not seen as a positive trait where I work. I worry all the time.

I'm sorry for the long rant. I just wanted to see if anyone else feels this way. I may have bipolar or just generalized anxiety. I'm going to see a psychiatrist as soon as I can get the money together.

[KLT]

Hi Erin,

There's no need to be sorry for the "long rant", sometimes just voicing your frustration helps.

As I read your "rant" the number one thing that comes across is low self esteem. I've been there myself many times. Telling yourself a lot of negative things about yourself and believing them is an easy trap to fall into.
But...do your best not to go there. Going to a psychiatrist (or some other form of counselling) sounds like a good idea. The reason I think it's a good idea is because you'll have someone objective to point out and remind you of all the positive things about you and your life.

I'm so glad to hear that you haven't come close to suicide. There are days when I have felt so down, so low that I didn't want to live anymore - it wasn't so much that I wanted to die but rather, that I didn't want to live feeling so bad everyday. The fact that you posted to this forum shows that you know there's always somewhere or someone to turn to for help. Please, always remember that. You don't have to suffer alone.

I'm 45 years old and finally doing a job that I love. It wasn't easy though. I had to change my career path and take courses and take a substantial cut in pay for a number of years to get to the job I'm in now.
If you're not sure what kind of job will make you happy, try volunteering a couple of hours a week at a place that interests you and see how you like it. You may have to go through some trial and error but, it's worth it to find a job you'll be happy in.

Plus, if it's a job you're happy in, you'll perform on the job so much better. You'll wake up feeling good and looking forward to going to work. You might not be able to make a job change right away but, even if you put together a plan for yourself, you'll feel better and know that you're doing something to improve your life.

As for the guy thing, trust me...when you start feeling better about yourself and your life, that special guy will come along. It really is true that it's hard for people to love you when you don't love yourself. When my self esteem was at it's lowest, all I ever attracted were guys with addictions, no ambition and put me down as much as I put myself down.

Take some time and look at all the good things about yourself. Put them on post-its notes and post them around your house in places you will see them like your mirror, fridge, etc. Keep reading them and reminding yourself what a great person you truly are until you finally do believe it's true. If you're having trouble remembering the great qualities about yourself, ask your friends and family what they like about you.
It took me a lot of years of counselling before I was able to realize I really was a good person, a good daughter, a good employee, a good wife, good friend, good mother, etc. There are times when I look at the mistakes I make and really beat myself up but, I don't let myself get stuck in it anymore.

I know it may sound silly but, writing down good things about yourself really does help. A long time ago, a counsellor had me write down all the negative things I thought and then had me write a true, rational and positive response to the negative thought. It took me a while before I actually did it but, I finally sat down one day and did. It turned out to be very helpful. Whenever one of those negative thoughts would pop into my head, I'd pull the list out of my purse and look for the positive response to tell myself. After a while, it became automatic.

One of the ways I deal with all the stresses in my life (work, family, taking care of a parent, etc) is to regularly tell myself "I'm doing the best that I can and that's all I can do. If someone isn't happy with that, they'll just have to deal with it". The same is true for you...all you can do is the best you can do and if that's not good enough for others, oh well.

Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed that I find I need to take "baby steps". So, start by doing something easy...say to yourself, "What small thing can I do tomorrow to make things better for myself?" It could be something as simple as a relaxing bubble bath or making a phone call to enquire about a course.

Hang in there Erin! You can do it!!!

[alankay]

Erin, what you seen a doc therapist on all this?
Erin, the worthless woman comment was a stupid joke and we tend to be over sensitive. Healthy men love women not withstanding frustration that goes boths ways. There are women who talk smack about men but still love them. Alankay

[CoolMist80]

Thanks, KLT. I appreciate your thoughtful response. Things were really bad that night, but I realize I do have issues I need to address. Anxiety is so bad for me and I believe it is the anxiety over EVERYTHING that makes me depressed. I really have no reason to feel anxious, but I just do. I also take things that everyone does to heart and I know they have nothing to do with me...but it is still hard to remember that sometimes.

[long time]

Hi Ernin
What KLT said is true, those are the exercises I am involved with right now, even some of KLT's words are actually the same as my theripist has told me even though we don't live near each other. It starts with positive self talk. I had a hard time converting this one however, I hate the way my boss is a controlling SOB. I haven't been able to switch that one into a positive yet but am still thinking about it prior to our next therepy session. LOL - not really. Every has choices and with anxiety this is what I was told and have tried to practice, when faced with a decision and you don't know what to do say nothing but breathe out, long, then take a deep breathe in. This is a concious choice and you choose to make it, it also buys you some time to think.