Help with horrifying intrusive thoughts

[JChicago]

Hey all :)

This is my first post here so yay for that, I guess.

I was diagnosed with GAD at 17 after suffering a severe panic attack followed by a week of typical GAD symptoms. No fun, but with meds and therapy, I got over it and felt normal again for a few years. Had a relapse of sorts with a few months of intense anxiety and panic-attacks in my mid-20s. Went back on meds and back to the therapist and got over it again pretty quickly.

Fast forward to this past month, when, at 30 and in a loving relationship, secure job and happy home, it hit me again: that dreaded background noise of anxiety, impending doom, the thought of going crazy. After a few weeks of this going on (I decided to wait it out and see if it'd subside), the Miami cannibal and all the other horrific stories accompanying the current horrifying news trend really got to me. I started to freak myself out by wondering what would cause people to break and do such terrible, nasty things. That immediately led to me thinking that what if my fear of going crazy actually happened and I hurt the best thing that ever happened to me: my partner. It just snowballed from there into a debilitating fear of the thought that affects my sleep and my daily life. Like right now when I should be working: i can't because I'm distracted. I haven't really had the intrusive thought of possibly losing control and harming the person I love the most very frequently, but I'm freaking scared to death of the thought coming back that I'm panicking on a daily basis.

My friends often refer to me as the gentlest person they know. They often laugh at me because I refuse to kill spiders and hate violence. Violence and these thoughts are so freaking completely against my nature that when I get them I'm so sick to my stomach I have to run to the bathroom thinking I'm going to throw-up.

I've arranged an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow (I'm literally counting the seconds), but hoping someone can say something encouraging to get me through the day and to let me know that I'll be able to handle this and this won't always be the case. My second biggest fear (other than losing control/going crazy/harming the person who's safety I care most about) is that I will never be able to enjoy my loving relationship with him again thanks to anxiety.

Please help me.

[Velrose]

Oh.... I could have typed this post myself. o_o

Feel free to message me if you wish to talk. It helps!

[JChicago]

Hey Velrose:

Thanks for inviting me to chat. I'm sure that'll help me a lot. :) Until I post 10 times I can only send to staff, so pardon the public response.

I think my biggest fear is this ruining my relationship (which is otherwise solid and healthy) as well as the fear of me never returning to "normal" again. Can you speak to this maybe? :) You can message me privately in reply.

So, so, so appreciated.

[Velrose]

No worries. When I first posted about my fears, I was concerned with doing so in such a public way, but I NEEDED to get it all out.

I worry about returning to normal too. But we will. I started therapy today with an anxiety counselor. She was wonderful! Let me tell you, I was absolutely HORRIFIED of going in and telling her about my fear. I thought,"She's going to take one look at me, stamp homicidal maniac on my forehead and ship me off."

Reality was quite different. She eased my mind, and reassured me, and we came up with a plan for future visits to being reworking my way of thinking.

These are just thoughts, as everyone else will tell you, but I know how horrifying they are.

It's not easy on your partner I'm sure. It's not easy on my husband, but he is trying. I think, if your relationship is solid, and you're genuinely trying to get better, want to get better...things will be ok.

Have you talked to your partner about all of this?

You're not going to hurt anyone. The thought turns your stomach, and you know in your heart, that these are just fears and thoughts....as scary as they are.

[JChicago]

No worries. When I first posted about my fears, I was concerned with doing so in such a public way, but I NEEDED to get it all out.

I worry about returning to normal too. But we will. I started therapy today with an anxiety counselor. She was wonderful! Let me tell you, I was absolutely HORRIFIED of going in and telling her about my fear. I thought,"She's going to take one look at me, stamp homicidal maniac on my forehead and ship me off."

Reality was quite different. She eased my mind, and reassured me, and we came up with a plan for future visits to being reworking my way of thinking.

These are just thoughts, as everyone else will tell you, but I know how horrifying they are.

It's not easy on your partner I'm sure. It's not easy on my husband, but he is trying. I think, if your relationship is solid, and you're genuinely trying to get better, want to get better...things will be ok.

Have you talked to your partner about all of this?

You're not going to hurt anyone. The thought turns your stomach, and you know in your heart, that these are just fears and thoughts....as scary as they are.

Thank you immensely for this. I needed that; was like a breath of fresh air.

I'll try to be a little more optimistic. Hopefully my first visit in years to a therapist tomorrow will kick it all into perspective.

My partner is aware of my GAD and the recent anxiety attack/intense anxiety over the past few weeks, but I'm mortified to tell him about the intrusive thought and resulting fear cycle that has accompanied it. Absolutely scared to tell him!

[Velrose]

Oh, I was scared to tell my husband! But for me, it was one of those things, I felt like if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to begin to work myself back to normal. I'm a very sensitive person, and having him in my corner, reassuring me meant the world.

One of the biggest things I have been doing is building a support network. I have my husband, my therapist, my sister in law (she suffers from OCD, and knows somewhat of what I am going through) and my mom. Mom lives 17 hours away, but I can call her any time.

I'm not better--not cured... but I am working hard to return to normal. I worry that my fears are going to creep into my mind, and that I'm going to have a panic attack, but today....has been an awesome day, and I'm taking it for what it is.

Again, feel free to message me anytime--and I don't mind chatting here either. Sometimes talking helps get things out. It's certainly helped me. I know it sounds horrible, but I was... just... happy when I read your original post. I didn't feel so alone anymore, and that by itself is wonderful feeling.