Health anxiety, panic attacks, anxiety attacks! Please help me!

[angeleyez0406]

so this is my first post on here. i want to start off by saying hello to everyone and i hope we all find the help we need on here. I have had severe panic and anxiety attacks since i was about 19 ( i am now 26 ) i recently found out ( thru excessive googling - yes i know thats bad ) that i was health anxiety. had a pretty bad childhood. my dad was verbally abusive and my mom was physically and verbally abusive. i believe the route of my health anxiety stemmed when my mom got bad at us ( i have 3 siblings ) and she pretended to be dead for about an hour to scare us. when i was 18, my grandmother who helped raise us and who was my best friend, died from cancer. no one in the family told me she was as ill as she was...so when she got sick and died suddenly, it came as a shock. i watched her slowly die in pain in a hospital bed. about a month after her death, my grandfather ( after being married to my grandmother for over 50 years ) got a girlfriend. that completely sent me over the edge. i started drinking a lot and dabbling in marajuana and cocaine. i jumped from relationship to relationship. eventually, i met my amazing husband when i was 21, and we got married when i was 22. he is my whole world and i love him with all of my heart and soul. i dont know where i would be without his love and support. HOWEVER, hes been trying to help me with this since we met....and its exhausting. i quit my job because all these "medical" issues were too prevalent. even when i try to get a new job, ill quit after a month or two. so my husband is taking on all the bills with no help from me. he works so hard and he cant even buy himself anything nice cuz we are barely scraping by cuz im not helping like i should. i was on every type of medicine out there and it helped for a while, than i got used to it and it stopped working. it made me feel like a zombie. right now i am almost done weening off my paxil ( i am taking 5 mg every other day ). i feel like saying screw it and just giving up and letting them put me on whatever they thing will help me. im depressed. my life is being taken over my doctors. ive seen about 30 this year alone. my newest fixation is that ive had a few cat scans and xrays, so now im convinced im destined to get cancer. my throat was hurting me so i went to my doc and he did a thyroid ultrasound, and found two very small cysts in my throid. so of course, i freak out and go see an endocrinologist who told me it wasnt anything to worry about, so i go to an ent who tells me i prob have nothing to worry about but he wants me to do a barium swallow and do a procedure on me in his office. i also found out i have endometrosis and a stomach ulcer. when i had a headache, i got a brain mri and they said i have a small venus angioma ( nothing to worry about he said its like a birthmark and so many ppl have them and its nothing to worry about ) but my way of thinking is everyone keeps telling me these little things are nothing to worry about, but everytime i go to a doc, they find something, so im afraid if i try to tell myself these are anxiety symptoms, and i dont go to a doc, they will miss something and i will die. ive also developed this irrational fear of being alone. im terrified of dying and every night i make my husband check my pulse and tell me if i die, will he go with me cuz i dont wanna be without him. its a miserable life im living. and what scares me is i have stupid thoughts go thru my head about hurting myself and ending it and i DONT want to feel like this. i have NO REASON to want to be like this. i have an amazing husband and i good life right now i dont know why this wont stop. im seeing a psychologist right now who keeps telling me that i should go on meds....shes not even a psychiatrist and shes pushing meds on me despite me telling her i dont want them and i wanna learn how to stop this on my own without being drugged up. my husband is going to michigan for a week for work and im freaking out. im so scared of him not being here with me for a week. even writing about it is bringing me into a panic mode. what am i going to do without him here? what if something happens and hes not here? ive tried everything! even trying to convince myself that if i go to a doc, im around sick ppl and ill catch what they have. it didnt work. last year, my hospital visits turned out to be 250,000. a few things worrying me right now

1- my husband going to michigan for a week
2- my throat...if i dont get it checked, what if they miss something
3- all the ct cans and xrays
4- my kidneys failing
5- possible nf
6- endometrosis
7- cancer---they found blood in my urine..its been there for 5 years...its always trace...but now im seeing a urologist who told me it might be my bladder and thats not good. he also said it might be my kidneys and it could be normal...but i was told its not normal
8- 2 small leaky valves in my heart which i was told is normal. the doc told me when he sees it as minor as mine, he usually doesnt tell anyone cuz its so minor.... but with my high cholesterol, im afraid ill have a heart attack.

plus my excessive googling is not helping me. i know this is all anxiety. ive tried working out...but the second i get up, it gets worse.im pretty much restricted to my house. i lost all my friends. i read it might be pots syndrome, but ive always had pretty normal blood pressure. i dont know what happened to me. i used to be so happy. please....someone help me. i cant live like this anymore and im about to say whatever and just let them put me on meds. i feel like im going crazy if im not already there ::)

[sutralotus]

All can say is I know how u feel. I've been struggling with this anxiety of death. It's just been so bad I feel like I can't cope. Just get tired of feeling like this. No u aren't the only one and u can vent to me if u want cuz I know how helpful it can be. We can vent to each other for support.