wasn't as bad as i thought!

[anxiousmess]

just thought i'd update on the CTT appointment i had.

it wasn't as bad as i thought at all!
had a panic attack before they came, was anxious as hell while they were here. i had calmed down before they left though, thank god!

i will hear back from them on wednesday, with a write up of what has been said about me in the meeting they are having!
i'm quite looking forward to it, in a way!

hopefully it will give me everything i need to know in order to help myself move forward.

from the conversations i had with them though, the main focus was on my obsessive side.
talking about it with them, with them firing back at me with questions made me think a little.

i figured out how my obsessions are always there, but focus on different things.
i am obsessed with something at all times.
but during my phase, whatever i am obsessed with, i always act on it.

plants have been an obsession of mine (still lingering), so not only did i buy loads, i'm also growing some of my own. the plant obsession came about because i decided to buy a mint plant...all because my dad planted a honeysuckle in my garden. along with many other plants, but it was the honeysuckle that stood out to me.
it's the same with every obsession of mine.

she says i have obsessive traits. what i would like to know is why? whyyyyyyyyy do i have obsessive traits? is it just my personality? is it something wrong with me? i would understand being obsessed with something - but i don't understand why i am only obsessed for a while, then it fades and i move on to something else?

it's obviously not normal. they even offered my partner support for carers. which made me feel terrible!

[laurandisorder]

I think a lot of people with anxiety and panic disorders have some obsessive traits. When I was very young I had certain rituals, when I developed anorexia they came out again, but differently - mainly around food.

Now that I'm an adult, I still struggle with obsessions and compulsions. Most of my obsessions stem around leaving the house. I have a terrible fear that I'll accidentally leave my hair straightener on and burn the house down with my pets locked inside. This occasionally worries me to the point where if I can't remember unplugging it, I'll return home to check - making me late for work. I also fear that I might leave the sliding door to the back garden open and my cats will escape, or that I haven't secured them in the bedroom properly and the dog will break in and maul them.

My compulsions, like yours stem around spending. When I found out my partner had lost his job last week, I went to the shops to exchange something and walked out after spending $300 on clothes that I seriously didn't need. This compulsive spending makes me happy - its instant gratification.

My point is that for someone with your history - you are perfectly normal!!

[anxiousmess]

the good thing they said was about my anorexia. they seemed to agree that i wasn't your typical anorexic. it seems to be anxiety controlling my eating.
so, i worried over nothing about them taking me away lol.

my obsessions arent really anything to do with safety or any thing like that.
i would say things need to be just right.
i hate it when people say a word wrong - i can't pay attention, or focus on anything else until i have corrected them. otherwise, the word they said wrong runs through my head until i correct.
i have to do things in certain orders. not with everything though, just certain things.

i don't know if this has anything to do with anything...but my thing with food is that i can't touch it if it has fallen onto the floor.
i can't clean my deep fat fryer or baking trays which have had oil or grease on/in. i tend to just replace. the feelings for that, are the complete opposite to how i feel when spending??

i'm sorry about your partner losing his job. i hope you's manage to sort things out soon.
i know exactly what you mean and how you feel about the spending though.

thanx for your reply lauran. it really has helped knowing that there are other people dealing with this kind of thing also!

[anxiousmess]

thanx kev.
i suppose a control issue does make sense in a way. although i don't fully understand what you are getting at lol
i just keep thinking control freak, and thinking about how i am the most submissive person ha...but i think i get what you mean!

if i just step back and look at my life as though it was someone elses, i would accept that control might be a big issue!
it is obviously something i have lacked in my whole life, and so my obsessions and stuff could be a way of trying to make up for it! is that what you are getting at?

as for the food one, i wouldn't say it was down to germs. i don't know what the issue is, it just disgusts me. i try and pick things up with my hands...i can manage to pick one or two things up and then i get my beloved spoon to pick the rest up.
with toddlers, it's sometimes not an easy task. i can spend a good half hour scooping things up! it would be so much quicker with my hands.