TheGreatOne
05-06-2012, 05:20 AM
Hello forum members,
I have doing extensive research on my chronic anxiety/depression and my relationships with women. I started this thread in hopes of improving my anxiety. I will make this brief but if you take the time to read I will appreciate it greatly. I could use some insight.
So, I have un-diagnosed chronic anxiety and depression. Since i was a kid, i was always afraid of confrontation and witnessed several stressful situations like domestic disturbances, molestation, victim of bullying, and parents divorce. Whenever a conflict occurred, i would my hands would shake and my voice would get shaky too. I was moved from school to school each year which slowed my ability to make and keep friends.Once i hit 16, i came upon this skin condition called "keratosis Pilaris". This condition spread throughout my body and further made me self conscious about my body. I started smoking weed and drinking around 17. I had suicidal thoughts and tried over dosing on pain relievers (dumb). Anywho, i was one depressed kid. Not to mention my failed attempts at love didn't help my situation at all. Throughout my life, i focused on my hobbies that i enjoyed doing: playing piano, drawing, martial arts and exercising. Even with all these things, i have always managed to keep a good poker face sometimes. Other times, i was a nervous and emotional wreck.
As i grew older, i began to cope with things better. I am a strong willed person and was determined to live up to my alter ego. But in the back of my mind, i knew i had emotional scarring. And now I'm 26 years old with several talents, good shape, confidence, intelligent, and in a relationship with someone who loves me for who I am. This girl also has deep emotional scarring like i do and it's difficult to cope with her issues let alone mine. I have always thought i have a Bi-polar personality and am very indecisive when it comes to important decisions. I am in college, have a long road ahead of me. I am unemployed but am starting a new job training soon.
My relationship with this girl is one of those break up and get together things. The break ups are initiated by me and my uncertainty and random "thoughts". My girlfriend has made mistakes and so have I. I have a high sex drive that sometimes makes me want to pursue other sexual experiences. But at the end of the day, the deep emotional attachment i have is stronger. I am in love although i don't like to admit due to my ego or pride. I suffer from stressful thoughts brought on by my negative experiences with women in the past. These thoughts make me doubt my partners intentions and feelings. This past year, we broke up and i decided to sleep with another girl. It happened once and I felt guilty afterwards. Shortly after, I got back together with my GF. WE went about out relationship trying to make it work by any means. But problems always emerged. When problems do happen, i tend to focus on the negative things and start having negative thoughts about my relationship. Recently, i broke up with my GF after an argument. I was tired of breaking up and getting together so I made it clear to her that i didn't want the relationship. During that break up ( less that a month) she kissed one guy and started having sex with another(dating). after about a month or so, i began to get depressed. I started talking to her again and my depression started going away. But after finding out from her that she was already dating someone else, it tore me apart. Considering that i was the one doubting and she was the one reassuring me that she loved me and only me. I decided to forgive her and got back together with her. Now, we face the same problem as before only now, we can handle them like adults(lol). But, in the back of my mind, i can't seem to let go of what she did during out break up. I know it wasn't cheating but it still feels like that to me. I know I'm no saint, but i find it difficult to let the past go. I know her past and she has cheated before on her ex. Basically we both have dark pasts. But along with my general anxiety, doubts arise about my relationship and I get back into the same thought patterns. I want to learn more about this anxiety and depression. I am growing older and wiser. But what is going on here? I am optimistic about my life and am a happy person, but my relationship sometimes makes me depressed. And if i decide to leave her again, i know i will get depressed without her. Not sure what my question is, but id like to know what you readers think about all this... Can this be anxiety or depression? If so, how can i cope this. I have a big imagination and it can produce thoughts that are emotionally hurtful. I am in love but have anxiety. Not a good combination. Let's here your thoughts. Thank you for reading! :)
I have doing extensive research on my chronic anxiety/depression and my relationships with women. I started this thread in hopes of improving my anxiety. I will make this brief but if you take the time to read I will appreciate it greatly. I could use some insight.
So, I have un-diagnosed chronic anxiety and depression. Since i was a kid, i was always afraid of confrontation and witnessed several stressful situations like domestic disturbances, molestation, victim of bullying, and parents divorce. Whenever a conflict occurred, i would my hands would shake and my voice would get shaky too. I was moved from school to school each year which slowed my ability to make and keep friends.Once i hit 16, i came upon this skin condition called "keratosis Pilaris". This condition spread throughout my body and further made me self conscious about my body. I started smoking weed and drinking around 17. I had suicidal thoughts and tried over dosing on pain relievers (dumb). Anywho, i was one depressed kid. Not to mention my failed attempts at love didn't help my situation at all. Throughout my life, i focused on my hobbies that i enjoyed doing: playing piano, drawing, martial arts and exercising. Even with all these things, i have always managed to keep a good poker face sometimes. Other times, i was a nervous and emotional wreck.
As i grew older, i began to cope with things better. I am a strong willed person and was determined to live up to my alter ego. But in the back of my mind, i knew i had emotional scarring. And now I'm 26 years old with several talents, good shape, confidence, intelligent, and in a relationship with someone who loves me for who I am. This girl also has deep emotional scarring like i do and it's difficult to cope with her issues let alone mine. I have always thought i have a Bi-polar personality and am very indecisive when it comes to important decisions. I am in college, have a long road ahead of me. I am unemployed but am starting a new job training soon.
My relationship with this girl is one of those break up and get together things. The break ups are initiated by me and my uncertainty and random "thoughts". My girlfriend has made mistakes and so have I. I have a high sex drive that sometimes makes me want to pursue other sexual experiences. But at the end of the day, the deep emotional attachment i have is stronger. I am in love although i don't like to admit due to my ego or pride. I suffer from stressful thoughts brought on by my negative experiences with women in the past. These thoughts make me doubt my partners intentions and feelings. This past year, we broke up and i decided to sleep with another girl. It happened once and I felt guilty afterwards. Shortly after, I got back together with my GF. WE went about out relationship trying to make it work by any means. But problems always emerged. When problems do happen, i tend to focus on the negative things and start having negative thoughts about my relationship. Recently, i broke up with my GF after an argument. I was tired of breaking up and getting together so I made it clear to her that i didn't want the relationship. During that break up ( less that a month) she kissed one guy and started having sex with another(dating). after about a month or so, i began to get depressed. I started talking to her again and my depression started going away. But after finding out from her that she was already dating someone else, it tore me apart. Considering that i was the one doubting and she was the one reassuring me that she loved me and only me. I decided to forgive her and got back together with her. Now, we face the same problem as before only now, we can handle them like adults(lol). But, in the back of my mind, i can't seem to let go of what she did during out break up. I know it wasn't cheating but it still feels like that to me. I know I'm no saint, but i find it difficult to let the past go. I know her past and she has cheated before on her ex. Basically we both have dark pasts. But along with my general anxiety, doubts arise about my relationship and I get back into the same thought patterns. I want to learn more about this anxiety and depression. I am growing older and wiser. But what is going on here? I am optimistic about my life and am a happy person, but my relationship sometimes makes me depressed. And if i decide to leave her again, i know i will get depressed without her. Not sure what my question is, but id like to know what you readers think about all this... Can this be anxiety or depression? If so, how can i cope this. I have a big imagination and it can produce thoughts that are emotionally hurtful. I am in love but have anxiety. Not a good combination. Let's here your thoughts. Thank you for reading! :)