The ugliness within - me becoming an agoraphobic

[Jeordie]

I might be becoming agoraphobic...I don't want to leave my house. I hate the world outside. It makes me sick, literally. When I'm among people, I have physical symtoms like feeling way too warm and faintness. At home, I'm somehow protected.

I don't like anything of the city I live in. I wonder if my anxiety will cease if I leave and go somewhere else. There are cultural factors...

I've been travelling and think of myself as a very open minded person, while I live in a island in the south of italy which is known for being traditionally bigot and also arrogant in a way. Don't you think this might contribute to my phobia? I feel the hostility of people...and I guess people feel I don't like them, so I can't blame them for disliking me.

But I so much want to get better, and live my life living others free! I used to have a fine social life...meet a lot of people and loved it. Apparently my inner condition depends a lot on the response of people. I would want it to change, not to depend upon anyone. But when I'm appreciated, I feel wonderful, when I'm ignored, I think of myself as the ugliest and most undesirable person.

I live to be desirable. Now, that probably makes me a narcissist also, so here we go. I'm complex. And I kinda like complex people, but not everyone does, almost nobody in this shitty town I live in, and I hate this.

When somebody appreciates me for being complex, hell I feel fine. And sex follows.

So, compulsive posters, what do you think of this.

[jitters]

I think much of the problem lies as it does with most of us, with low self esteem and need of approval. I didn't believe this at first being an outgoing confident person, but its all a front, inside I am scared and desprate for approval.

Duncan

[Jeordie]

So what do we do about this? Try to become popstars?
Yes, I am so desperate about approval. Yes, I hate this place because it doesnt' give me the approval I think I deserve.

[jitters]

I wish I knew the answer my friend.

Maybe we should just get over ourselves, if only it were so simple.

[Fear]

Damn,man we have so many things in common.I live in Italy too (but in the north),I care a lot about others thoughts about me.And I depend on them too.The narcisist thing and the complex thing.I feel too protected in my house.

[jitters]

Me too when I get sick I feel ill right up until I get home and then I feel fine, like it is a security blanket or somthing. I am getting better with this, but v e r y s l o w l y.

:) Duncan

[Jeordie]

Lately I got a bit better by practicing the following:

Since my problem is fear of rejection, judgement, and similar...
I've decided to LET THEM REJECT ME.

Yes, who gives a shit, I almost expect people to make fun of me, ridiculize me, offend me, criticize me, insult me, believe I'm a weirdo.
Honestly, who gives a shit?
Most people are dumb by definition, anyway. Nobody ever gave a shit about them and what they say, so why would their opinion matter? Are they successful? Are they interesting? Are they admired, wanted, do they posses something you envy? Nope. They just talk too much, they'd want to have something to say but very unfortunately for them, they don't.

But whatever your opinion on people is, this trick works: it neutralizes the fear because you WANT IT TO COME. Because fear of the fear, that's the problem.

As a result, I'm realizing nobody is as tough with myself as I am. Interesting...

Also, a rule of thumb: believe in a beautiful person telling you you're beautiful, a smart judging you smart, an interesting one telling you are so as well. They say the truth, they have nothing to lose.
But an ugly telling you you're ugly, a dumb saying the same about you...it's just plain dumb as them. They speak only and just out of frustration. Poor losers! But there's no reason to be angry with them.

[stressedntexas]

I, too have approval issues. I don't really know that I have a fear of rejection because I'm used to it. I take on a lot and try to tackle a lot of things and, naturally, they don't all work out, but at least I try and get satisfaction from that.

I do wonder what people are thinking of me alot and find myself holding my breath a lot in public. I wonder if people are thinking negatively about the way I look and talk (southern accent in a big business world).

It's funny you should talk about moving. I sometimes wish I could move to a city where no one knows me and I can go without makeup, ride a bike to and from work, school, etc and just enjoy life. That's just not acceptable practice where I live. I'm 2 miles away from houses that have gyms larger than my high school. It seems like everyone drives a Mercedes or a Hummer and many of them much younger than myself and I'm 27.

My mother and father live in the nicest condos in the city and my brother, 2 years younger than me, graduated from college last year (yes, BEFORE ME!) and makes 6 times as much as me.

I'm insecure about all of those things and often think about a fresh start in a new city, but then I think about it like this. Soon, in another city, people will know me and I will develop the same insecurities. I've chosen to just battle out my issues in the city I'm familiar with. Hey, after all...at least I won't have a nervous breakdown from unfamiliarity. :)

[Jeordie]

I've decided to become wiser in this crappy town I live in as well. Then I'll be ready to move.

Last year I escaped, and I had a crappy time. The same issues with people followed me - I got angry with the people here, and the people there. But the problem is certainly within me.

When I moved, I told everybody I wasn't going to come back, as I hated this city and I had good reasons to do that. But it didn't feel good of a step - it felt wrong, like is wasn't sure, actually I was more sure I would fail. And I would come back in the same nightmare. In the end, I even had the urge to get back to my original town - for which I felt terribly nostalgic since the beginning.
It's been an interesting experience, though very hard. Yes, I had a sort of breakdown from unfamiliarity - I felt painfully alone.

So, I don't know if I'm gonna move and when, I hope so, I hope I can find a better place. But what is "better"? I don't even know what I want. So, until I haven't learned to live here, I don't really have to move.

You made think of that.

[jitters]

Your right to stick where you are at least for now. After all you can't run away from your self and your mind. These are currently the problem not your more successful siblings. You'd best believe there are always people worse off than you. Scratch the surface of these perfect lives and you'll find heartache, lonliness and insecurity. People are people, whereever you are, evryone wants to have the latest this and the most expensive that. The problem is material possesions do not make us happy they just make us want more material possesions and collecting "stuff" becomes our life.

"He who has the most toys when he dies, is still dead"

The city is one of the most difficult places to live the percentage of people with anxiety depression and suicidal thoughts is second only to prison. Treat your issues then decide. Try not to be jelous as this just gives you somthing else to worry about.

"The race is long, and in the end only with yourself."

Duncan

[Jeordie]

Ok, it is an act of courage to me to just stay here and suck it up. It is making me wiser, more able to cope. If I can do this, I can do whatever, really.
But.

I remember this summer going to a town close to the city where I live...few people, no tension. Wild beaches, no computers.
You bet I felt beautifully. I felt in control, I felt much better. It was a true great escape.
And then, I went back to the city. The second I got in on a car, I saw a miserable spectacle that made me think "how can one live in a place like that". The city is awful, chaotic, senseless, smelly, people suck, there is no true human contact, everybody's running, towards what? Towards more non-sense. And it's banished to do or say something deep, something true, you better think and do what everybody else thinks and does in the city. It sucks, it sucks so bad - and I find no real rebels around, I wonder: why people don't want to rebel anymore? We were all beautiful rebels when we were younger, and now what, we give up? I didn't...
I'm still the same fuckin' annoying rebel - and I will not change.
I feel an abyss between me and the city, and the people pretending they feel good in here.

Now I'm trying not to focus anymore on what is not essential. I explain. The city I live in would be an average crappy city, smokey and dirty and full of silly people, if not for certain characteristics: it is of impressive unsophistication, lack of culture, aestethics, and all the things me as a fuckin' artist cares about. I lived in a city like London and I was depressed like hell, but the first few months I was amazingly excited by the culture and the possibilities the city I live in doesn't want to offer.
See, this is the cultural issue.
But I asked myself, is this essential? Would a Zen monk care about this? About this being a rude town and not London? After all, was I happy in London? No, I wasn't. But I'm not here, too!

I don't know. It's complicated.
I would be happier if I liked ugly things, if I had no sensitivity - I mean what the fuck, people WANT sensitive people to commit suicide. All I see is a great effort to let the ugly triumph.

Anyway, in the end what I wanted to say is: would I live better in that town of province, rather than in the middle of the city? Of course I would. So to me is not about moving to another city anymore, is about moving out of any city. Go to the countryside. I'll do that, sooner or later.

[deniseelaine]

On reading your post's I see simular things in the way I feel, I moved to Ireland from the UK 4 years ago, and have never been happy here in Ireland, I feel rejected by the whole country, which seeing as my husband is Irish is a totally rediculious thought, but neverless I still feel this way, but I am begining to think now that rather than Ireland rejecting me, it is me rejecting Ireland, does that make sense to anyone? anything that goes wrong is Irelands fault not mine, for example I have had a raging toothache for the last 5 days and today phoned a dentist, when I couldent get to see one I blamed the country, ie if I was in England I would get to see one straight away, I seem to do this all the time anything that goes wrong the country gets the blame and the aniexty gets worse, I would love to go back to England to live, but I want to go back 4 years to the time I left and pick up from there, which I know is not possible to do, if only I could except thing for what they are now I feel the anxiety would start to lift and I would start to get my life back on track, I will go now Im rambling but thanks for listening

[jitters]

Cities suck! :cry: I still try to rebel but it is difficult as you get older. Life takes it out of you. Modern Living huh. I'm lucky I guess I moved away from the city and into the countryside much more beautiful, I can see the stars. The downside is you have to drive miles to visit museums or to see live music this is a downer. Life is full of dilemmas I guess this is one of them.

Duncan

[jitters]

I have had a raging toothache for the last 5 days and today phoned a dentist, when I couldent get to see one I blamed the country, ie if I was in England I would get to see one straight away, I seem to do this all the time anything that goes wrong the country gets the blame and the aniexty gets worse, I would love to go back to England to live, but I want to go back 4 years to the time I left and pick up from there, which I know is not possible to do, if only I could except thing for what they are now I feel the anxiety would start to lift and I would start to get my life back on track, I will go now Im rambling but thanks for listening

It's probably no conselation but you wouldn't get seen quicker in england not right now anyway things have gone downhill as far as dentists go. There are not enough NHS dentists to go around so unless you are prepared to pay around £70 for a check up before you even have treatment as I had to do, at a private dentist. You may never get seen at all as the few NHS dentists there are no longer take on paitents.

I guess what I am trying to say is the grass which is greener on the otherside is probably artifical turf.

Duncan

[Jeordie]

I guess what I am trying to say is the grass which is greener on the otherside is probably artificial turf.

Yebb. When we are nostalgic, we tend to forget the dark sides. And now that I'm here, in the City, I only see those.
There are some beautiful things going on in here. Weather, enviable. Food...italian food people, is certainly one of the best. So what am I complaining about??

I'm so complicated.

[jitters]

I love italian food. :yum: