Can somebody identify my problem?

[Lovey90]

I feel very weird after having pure obsessional thoughts, harming someone else or myself. I kept getting images of where I harm a loved one or myself and then think about how other people would react and then feel anxious. This lasted 3-4 months very intensively, now I do not get the thoughts as often but I have lost my appetite on life, I keep thinking ''life is so short and pointless'', I really do not why because I have a caring family and friends and possibilities. I sleep well and eat well and people have told me I am always smiling and happy, but I can not stop thinking of how useless this all is, but I am not suicidal. Everyone else cares so much about getting a good education and job, while I feel it is all useless. I started medication with a ssri 10 days ago. Is it possible for me to get back to normal? help me please

[anxiousmess]

hiya. yes of course it is possible for you to get back to normal.
while you are using the ssri you are on, you need to concentrate on how to cope with these issues. also, how to manage them.

awareness is the key. so when you become aware of a situation - like now, you can't stop thinking about how useless this all is. you need to figure out ways of managing that, and getting back to the normal thought process.
here's an example:
i suffer from depression - it used to be terrible, to the point i wouldn't even move off of the settee.
i was getting more and more sick of feeling the way i was feeling, as i just wanted to be 'normal'.
i was going to therapy, but i wasn't seeing any benefit...but it was helping, without me realising.
i started becoming aware of when my depression was coming because i wouldn't open the blinds on a morning.
so instead, every morning i opened those blinds - even during the times my depression was high, and i didn't want to. i made sure i did...
my depression is ALOT easier to manage now!

these tablets aren't going to do all of the work for you - there is alot of work you also need to do.
you just need to find your best way :)

you also have to remember the effects meds can have on you during the first 4 weeks. they can increase current symptoms, and they can also add extra ones. especially anxiety and depression.
so this might be why you are feeling everything is useless.

[jessed03]

Lovely, you're doing fantastic! It may not feel it, but as somebody who has travelled the same road, take it from me, you're making good progress :)

This is the next stage!

I had this for a while actually. I had pretty bad depression too, so the two just fed off each other like hungry wolves. No matter what I did, how I searched, I just couldn't see the point of it all. Government, laws, family, love... all of it, everything humanity prides... What was the point of it all? Seriously? It just felt like people trying to keep busy. Unsure of what to do, so they've made up this game called society that they all play. Except I couldn't be bothered to play. I mean why bother? Everything I built would crumble, everyone I loved would die... Everything I treasured, I would, in the end, certainly lose... Including my life, eventually...

Why work so long, for something pretty meaningless? Nothing was permanant. Why not just take it easy for a while, eat, drink and be merry, and die. Why work tirelessly towards a goal, only to die or have all your work destroyed by nature within a few hundred years at most.
Humanity seemed like a lot of little ants, busy wandering around. People would talk to me about money, about my future, about relationships, I just couldn't take it seriously. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I couldn't see the point of love, or making money or anything. So for a few months, I stayed in this low level of despair. I sort of looked down on humanity. Couldn't they see this obvious truth?

Then I started searching for answers. I read books on philosophy, I went to church, I meditated, I talked to careers guidance people, my parents, my therapist. And nobody really knew why we did any of it. It seemed there was no reason for it really... We actually did just do it to keep busy most of the time. We fought wars, had governments, and offices, not because it was fun, but actually because it was just a way to keep occupied. Some of us can keep occupied in ways we enjoy, others are kept occupied by boredom. So I kept searching intensly for answers. Asking those deep philosophical questions. Why are we here? What is the point of it? What am I even actually supposed to be doing?!

... And I never found a single worthwhile answer.

Not one. Sure, religion has some nice ideas, that may or may not be true. Sure gurus and therapists had a lot of nice ideas, that seemed to make sense. Yet none were proper answers. Nobody could actually tell me what the point of it all was.

So I was just lost. I couldn't continue the same way with my education, and with my social life. I participated, I done the work, done my time, but it felt vacant, and half-hearted.

And then somebody told me something, that changed the way I thought about it forever. They said, "It isn't the answers, to the questions, that you should be concerned about... It's the fact that you're asking them!"

And this felt like a cop out at the time, but it was so profound.

A healthy human eye, isn't ever aware of itself. It is only when something goes wrong, that it's tired, or that spots appear, that you notice it. The healthy human ear isn't aware of itself. It's only when damage is done, that ringing noises occur. So the same must apply for the human mind. The healthy human mind, isn't aware of itself. If you look at these so called 'healthy' people, they aren't asking these questions, trying to find out the meaning of everything. I'm not saying it never happens, they just don't do it regularly. They are so involved with what they are doing, that the answer to the question 'why?' takes care of itself. A healthy mind, isn't aware of it's own existance, and isn't questioning it.

And that's what will happen with you. What you feel now, is perfectly normal. OCD and pure-O thoughts, are SUCH a shock on the system, that the mind has become so out of balance! We are so pre-occupied with these hideously frightening ideas, that everything falls out of sync.

Now you've moved onto the next stage of healing. The mind has become aware that it's unhealthy, out of balance, and it's started to fix it. The reason you feel these things, is because the chemicals required for you to feel and think healthily, have been completely drained and messed up.

But your mind is beginning to fix this. It has shut down a lot of itself, to begin healing. It's started to rebalance everything.

So the only advice I can offer, is keep going through the motions. Keep everything going. Keep investing in yourself, in your future, and in your health, even if it feels completely pointless. Because you'll wake up in the near distant future, and realize that you've gained more than you started with. That you've ended up better than before. You'll end up with more health, more knowledge, as well as seeing the crops growing out the seeds you sew.

So right now, that is all you have to do. Keep on going. Keep on keeping on :)

If you keep focusing on that healthy life, and keep busy with life, you'll find your mind has become healthy again, and these questions have actually disappeared. They become really pointless, and so you give them up. You find so much joy and fulfillment in life, that questioning it becomes a waste of time, as there are better things to do.

And I know, as it did for me, this answer may seem like it avoids the point, and it a little vague. And it does. And it is. But it doesn't stop it from being the right answer. Sometimes the simple things, really are the most effective!

Whatever you're dreams are, whatever path your on, keep taking slow steps. The apathy, the carelessness, it may remain for a short while. Keep going in spite of it. Keep in motion. Keep impoving on your health if need be, keep up with the relaxation techniques that are helping. Take small joys where you find them.

You'll get there, it may not feel like it now, but the wheels are set in motion. :)

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk. OCD is a weird a wild ride!

[Lovey90]

Thank you anxiousmess, what you described is what I am doing but I will really dig in deeper and work more with this. Jessed, it is really amazing that I could relate to every single thing you described, the way you looked upon life is identical to how I see things right now. I am experienced enough after a few months with OCD, to realize that no answer can be satisfying right now, that is why I skip seeking answers. I do not know how to thank you for taking your time and writing this, I hope you realize how much this means for me, even though the apathy I feel, if you care for a stranger like this then you must be a great person. The golden rule is, after rain comes sunshine, that is what makes me pretty calm even though my mind is out of balance.