rouxleaux
04-09-2012, 03:49 PM
So I have been dealing with anxiety on and off most of my life. Most of the time around during times of change. For the last several years things have been pretty ok I have been socially anxious in certain situations but was able to make it through most situations ok. I finished college went to medical school and finished that. Now I am in my second year of pathology residency and my anxiety is the worst it has ever been. I wake up anxious, I am anxious all day long, and I go to sleep anxious. This would be ok except I now have my wife and our first born child (who is now 2 weeks old!) who depend on me finishing my training to support them.
Just adding fuel to the fire is the fact that I have essentially been let go as of this year. Well my contract has not been renewed for next year so I have not been "fired" but as of July 1st I dont have a job and I am stuck as far as training goes. So I have to now find another program who will take a chance on me and let me finish my training.
Finally I want to be happy! I dont deserve to be miserable the rest of my life! Right now I feel like I am trapped in my own mind, I am scared to death of my staff attendings and what they think of me, I am scared of there criticisms, I am scared to death of failing and not being good enough to make it to the end of my residency. The ironic thing is I know that being on edge like this makes me less productive and less able to understand and grasp the information that I need to get. I can't focus and I feel like my life is in a tail spin. I am scared all the time and the worst part of this whole thing is when we had our baby I wasn't even able to really enjoy it because I was scared of the future and my career and being able to provide for my family. I am just so freaking tired I am on paxil 40mg, klonapin .5mg 2x a day, and then adderall 10mg 2x a day. I know what you all will say get off the adderall but I have to tell you I was on vyvanse for a while (due to ADD) and that made me feel more focused and less worried than anything! The problem is the vyvanse was not lasting long enough, usually till about lunch time. I dont really even want a medication fix I just want to be able to be happy. To be able to go to work and not be scared $hitless the whole day and just pray that I can make it to the weekend. Sometimes I can see how someone would want to take their own life when you are constantly subjected to this type of mental torture. (not saying that I am suicidal). I just feel like I am getting desperate I am seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist, and group therapy but nothing seems to be working like I hope it would. Does anyone have any advice? Should I try a different psyc? Is there a course I should take? Are there any books I should read? I need this I need to be better for my wife and son.
-Rouxleaux
Just adding fuel to the fire is the fact that I have essentially been let go as of this year. Well my contract has not been renewed for next year so I have not been "fired" but as of July 1st I dont have a job and I am stuck as far as training goes. So I have to now find another program who will take a chance on me and let me finish my training.
Finally I want to be happy! I dont deserve to be miserable the rest of my life! Right now I feel like I am trapped in my own mind, I am scared to death of my staff attendings and what they think of me, I am scared of there criticisms, I am scared to death of failing and not being good enough to make it to the end of my residency. The ironic thing is I know that being on edge like this makes me less productive and less able to understand and grasp the information that I need to get. I can't focus and I feel like my life is in a tail spin. I am scared all the time and the worst part of this whole thing is when we had our baby I wasn't even able to really enjoy it because I was scared of the future and my career and being able to provide for my family. I am just so freaking tired I am on paxil 40mg, klonapin .5mg 2x a day, and then adderall 10mg 2x a day. I know what you all will say get off the adderall but I have to tell you I was on vyvanse for a while (due to ADD) and that made me feel more focused and less worried than anything! The problem is the vyvanse was not lasting long enough, usually till about lunch time. I dont really even want a medication fix I just want to be able to be happy. To be able to go to work and not be scared $hitless the whole day and just pray that I can make it to the weekend. Sometimes I can see how someone would want to take their own life when you are constantly subjected to this type of mental torture. (not saying that I am suicidal). I just feel like I am getting desperate I am seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist, and group therapy but nothing seems to be working like I hope it would. Does anyone have any advice? Should I try a different psyc? Is there a course I should take? Are there any books I should read? I need this I need to be better for my wife and son.
-Rouxleaux