Hi. I'm Simon - Warning - this is long and depressing

[Simon]

Hi everyone. My name is Simon and I am a nut case.
I suffer from anxiety and depression. I've been on so many different meds and combinations of meds in the last 10 years that I can't remember them all. Currently I take 1 trazadone at night to sleep and 4 prozac and 1 wellbutrin every morning for the depression and anxiety.
My main anxiety trigger? Get ready to laugh - among others but particularly strong: Losing my job. I do great work (so they tell me) and I've never been fired - yet, I think I'm pushing it though. There is always the threat though and it makes me think and behave irrationally. I guess you would call those episodes panic attacks. If I felt comfortable seeing my headshrinker I'd ask. Not that he would know. Or care. Afterall, its an HMO - "we don't care - we don't have to."
I have found that anxiety, depression, insecurity, and type A personality make for a lethal combination. The worst part? The constant humiliation I live with because I am forever saying stupid things. My mouth has a mind of its own and it doesn't mind verbalizing my anixety at the most inappropriate times. I don't know who's in control, but it isn't me.
The other thing that is especially bad is the lonliness. No one understands the hell that I live with in my brain every minute of every day. They think I should "snap out of it," or maybe even "suck it up and deal with it like a man." In 51 years I haven't been able to snap out of it or suck it up with any degree of success yet. Is there a maximum amount of self loathing and humiliation a person can put themselves through and still function? Anyone know what it is? What happens when you reach it - or exceed it? Do you vanish into some netherworld?
All rhetorical questions, of course. I don't expect any answers. I'm becoming convinced that there are no answers. (Wow this sounds like self-absorbed whining.) Still, if any of the rest of you go through this I feel so very very sorry for you.
Did I mention the guilt that I feel for complaining? Good lord there are children starving out there and people living in refugee camps - people with real problems! What right do I have to complain?
And round and round and round we go...
*
I apologize to all of you for this long winded tirade. I thank you though for having someplace for me to type it. I don't expect any answers and sadly, I know that my ranting doesn't help or change a thing. But thanks for allowing me to do it.
Simon

[jitters]

Hi

No 1. This is a place for people like you to windge and complain, Anxiety is a "real problem" if you had cancer or AIDS you would not hesitate to complain this is no different.

No 2. Fear of losing your job even though you are good or even really good at it is a normal Anxiety trigger. It was one of te major triggers of my anxiety attacks. We are perfectionists when things dont go our way we are not pleased and we cannot easily shake off critisism.

No 3. You cannot just snap out of it or suck it up. You are not just a little nervous about an up coming meeting you have Anxiety and Depression it is real and it affects you on a physical level.

No 4. I understand why you feel you cant see a "headshrinker" due to the stigma attached, but difficult as it is it's a long term solution to your problem. You can try self help, but this can only work once you have identified the triggers.

No 5. You are NOT a nut case, You are not self absorbed dont be so hard on yourself. Dont hate yourself you are a wonderful and clearly selfless person even here you find the time to apologise for you complianing even though everyone here understands exactly how you feel.

No 6. Be kind to yourself take a look around this site, Find out more about anxiety and depression and realise you are not alone we are here if you need us. Any questions feel free to ask.

Thankyou for your time, Keep trying.

Duncan

[Simon]

I really do appreciate it. One thing I guess I didn't clarify. I have seen a headshrinker (psychiatrist) and his minion the psychologist. The headshrinker only wants to prescribe medicine. He offers no solutions beyond the next set of pills. The psychologist essentially told me that there is nothing more he can do for me. That's particularly interesting since he hasn't done anything for me. I stopped seeing him completely. My only contact with the psych is when I need my prescription refilled. I get the distinct impression that suits him just fine.
Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. I'll check around the forums and see if I can learn something.
Thanks again for the kind words. Best of luck to all of you.
S

[jitters]

Sounds like you need to see a better shrink... :lol: Oh well were here if you need us here take this cyber tablet three times a day and come back next month. :blink: