Repressed memory causing constant depression

[craig841]

I had previously posted about a memory i had involving me and another boy at the age of 6/7. I mentioned how for some reason i put my mouth over his private parts on a few occasions. Im 21 now and i had always managed to not let the memory bother me up until the most recent year of my life. For along time i had just assmumed that it was curriosity between the two of us, and that we were both concenting to experiment. But something never added up. At that age i had no interest in nothing of that nature, i was also very shy and to do what i did really seemed uncharacteristic of me. This is what made me feel so bad about it, i felt shame, guilt and confused as to why i did it. However, after recently talking to a relative who use to look after me about the matter, they reminded me that i was actually bullied by this kid. It reminded me of certain things that he had done to me before. Suddenly incidents of him attacking me with a stick and not stopping even though he could see that i was hurt, him locking me in a garrage, and even simple stuff like breaking my toys just to upset me. To be honest, he was never my friend, just a neighbour who would pick on me, and occasionly be nice to me just to keep me sweet. Remembering these incidents, bought back a clearer memory of what i had origionaly posted about. I remember him not letting me leave the room on one occasion until i put my mouth over his willy. I know i was reluctent but i still did it to get him to let me leave. I still feel shame for this, and wished i had just refused point black, but for some one of that age he was very manipulative. And i know believe that it was manipulation that had resulted in the other cases too. Im not blaming him, when my family moved when i was 8 i didnt see him for about 5 or 6 years, and when i did next see him he seemed to have forgotten about any involvment with me. He was a bit of a bully at school, but hes actually okay now and i even get along with him when i see him on the rare occasion. (At pubs or on a night out ect) Like i said i dont blame him, because i forgive him for how he use to treat me. He was just a kid, and people grow up for the better. But i remain confused, i feel like i was a victem but i also feel like i could have stopped it. If it had been an adult who had made me do it, i could talk to people about and not feel guilt but becasuse it was another kid of my age, i feel like i have no right to feel faultless. Also, i wouldnt want it to effect him either. I have a feeling that maybe he was a victem of abuse at some point, and was maybe taking it out on me....i dont know. I would love to be able to talk to a friend about this, but i feel like its taboo, and would hate to see how people would react to it. Im not saying he abused me, he was my age too so i could have and should have stopped it, but i know realise that at the time i felt like i didnt have a choice. Im really finding it hard to deal with all this, im thinking about it all the time and i dont enjoy anything now. I feel like poeple would never respect me again if they knew. Has anyone got any advise on the matter, any simalar storys, or at least any tips that might help me forget about it.

[foofoonurse]

Go see a psychologist and he will set you up with a counselor for therapy sessions. There you learn how to cop, talk and love yourself again.

[craig841]

I would like it not to come to that. I have a great group of friends, i have seven that have always stuck by me. We are more like brothers and we all have a strong bond on which we tell each other anything. But i just feel this is too serious to tell. The reality of the situation is that if this had been revealed when i was younger, they would not have been my friends....I would have been bullied about it by most people through school. When ever im with my friends or people i know in general, i cant stop thinking of what their reaction would be if they knew. I know i cant change what happened, but i just feel like everything i have ever done or achieved would be overshadowed by these horrible incidents. Im a proud person who no longer feels proud, or i at least feel like i dont deserve too. Maybe i do need to see some one, thanks for the support.

[evettehg]

Craig i think you should talk to a therapist than your friends cause people changes when you tell them certain things they see you differently. Well i tend not to share with other people i journal how i feel and that helps. Good luck...

[bajablue]

A therapist once told me that to get better I need to look down inside at the past experiences that repressed. She used the analogy of shinning a light down into a dark scary hole; difficult but necessary. A therapist is a guide as much as anything else. Find your guide who will monitor how much of what you find in that dark hole you can handle each time. I was there 20+ years ago. I did it and it was painful but it felt like 1000 lbs being lifted from my back after a while.
I am now back in therapy for anxiety related to modern day issues but thankfully I exercised the childhood demons a long time ago so I do not have to fight them again.

[craig841]

Thankyou BajaBlue. My memory's of what happened are very brief and blurry. I actually only remember two incidents, but something tells me it happened 4/5 times. But maybe that's my anxiety tricking me. Its just strange that for 14 or so years it hadn't bothered me in the slightest, and all of a sudden its killing me. I had also always thought that i was willing, but i know my self and thats not something i would enjoy doing. Why would i want to do what i did? He could have been manipulative and used emotional blackmail, but i still feel like i could have refused. I really hope a therapist helps, otherwise i cant see my self living with this. Thanks for the support.