Fast forward many years later now. I've learned to cope fairly well. I can escape the extreme fear almost all the time. I certainly have anxiety and the occasional panic attack. I'm always pretty tired, able to sleep for 10-12 hours easily if I have the time. I know I love my wife (even though I may not feel it as deeply most of the time as I want), and I'm fairly successful in my career. I've grown a little bit of a panic problem (I feel) as a result of this. (The last time I tried to 'force' myself to deal with this fear or whatever about 5 years ago, I put myself in the hospital with a two day panic attack.) I'm essentially a pro at distracting myself. I live a decent life, but its largely on the surface... its roots don't go deep. I've had a few moments where I feel more deeply... the occasional romantic movie choking me up out of nowhere (geez notebook), some aching in my heart when my dog has to have surgery. But on a normal day if I really pause and just try to be, I can feel that same flinch state waiting there, and a well of emotions sitting tight in my chest with a wanting to cry/release, but my heart afraid to engage.

I want more than anything in the world to let this guard down and truly feel my life. I've honestly got a lust for life, and I think I've got a pretty good one going, but I really want to experience it. In a year or so I'll have kids on the way, and I want to be an open and loving father with them. Not a shell of a father that loves them, but is too stuck to really show them how much. Its not that I'm 100% numb, I feel a safe range of emotions but its like trying to go through life while expecting someone to hit you. Its hard to really live. I don't expect to be euphoric all the time, but I want to be able to experience lifes ups and downs.

After that breakdown 5 years ago (big panic attack) I've essentially gone along ignoring it since. Its the only way I can really live a somewhat normal life. In fact I think that's been my most successful treatment. I think I gradually grow my emotional range while I ignore it, and even perhaps start to enjoy some portions of life, but if I grow too far outside my comfort zone, or discover something emotionally threatening, I either clam back up, or come crashing down and I'm overtaken with extreme fear. Once last year, and then again this year that huge fear hit again. The fear hit me so bad it was debilitating. Absolutely terrifying. But at the same time I really connect with my emotions when I'm feeling the fear, and remember how good it feels, and how much I'm missing out on. I feel my love for my wife, and remember what I want most in life, to love my wife and (eventual) kids. All this other stuff I enjoy instead (work, technology, etc.) just aren't even remotely as important. As that extreme fear gradually fades, and I fall back into my emotional safe zone, I feel defeated, as if another opportunity to beat that fear has come and gone, and I'm losing that important sensitive/loving part of myself again.

I want to try to get better again here, but my biggest problem with talk therapy is that I just tend to numb up and can't get anywhere. I can feel that I'm too afraid to face this, and that the talking I've done doesn't address the fear at the deeper level. I beat myself up over it because it feels as if I just don't have the courage to open up my heart again, but the fear feels as if its a level below conciousness... and I can't reason with it or really pull it up to address it.

I love my wife. I like life. But I'm owned by fear somehow. I want to Love with a capital L like I used to. I want to feel music again, and stop having to try and live through this shallow state. I'm also not sure how long I can survive in this state. Sooner or later I have to face it, I just have no idea if its even possible. Its like living on a bridge that is gradually crumbling. Somehow my heart is too terrified to jump off and can only keep moving backwards on the bridge, when if it would just trust me and make the jump it would find that the water is warm and enjoyable, even if the jump is scary to get there.

I don't know if this is just a very intense primal fear of getting hurt like that again, buried grief, some sort of trauma reflex, or something else. I know I have the ability to open back up again because I can remember it, picture it, even feel it sometimes, but I don't know how to will myself to do so, or what path to follow to get there if I can find the courage.

A couple times during this latest raw episode of debilitating fear, for whatever reason, I was able to let go. Most of the time its just little bursts of emotion, as if my heart would escape fear's grasp for just a moment and some laughter or tears would bubble up. I would cry at some touching videos, and one glorious time I sobbed while watching a mob proposal video. Afterwards it felt as if everything was finally ok... like my heart finally realized 'hey, its going to be ok'. I was free! Myself again! But the fear slowly crept back in.

What makes it even worse is when I start analyzing myself every second for how I'm doing emotionally, especially with my wife. Then the thoughts just start going crazy. "Should be feeling more." "I'm shut down right now." "Never going to be free hearted again." My thoughts just make the whole thing way, way worse, and I shut down even more.

I've started regular mindful meditation (ride the wild horse from helpguide.org), and I think its actually really helpful. I think I'm connecting some there, and slowly maybe getting more comfortable with my emotions. Some tears, lots of yawns, and sitting with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I'm going to keep it up, but I have no idea how to not think about and analyze my emotions the rest of the day. I think that's maybe my biggest obstacle. I'm talking to a therapist, which was helpful during the couple weeks when I was really raw and in touch with the fear, less so now that its mostly subsided. (The whole shutting down emotionally when trying to talk about it.) Any other suggestions would be so grateful. I know there is a way to get past this and open up again emotionally. I can feel it. This isn't a natural state that I'm in. I just don't know how, but this emotionally limited me is just not acceptable, not with how short life is. How do I prop up my heart again?