Suffering from depression and anxiety all my life

[stevo]

hey guys im steven and have been suffering blindly for 22 years from this

hey guy's my names steven and i live in sydney australia.. i have been living in depression and heavy case of anxiety since i was a child it really breaks my heart that i lived with it for so long and though it was normal... i thought it was just because i was shy or something...

BACKROUND

so they way i found out that i had something wrong is... i was in a club with my friend for my birthday and i couldnt do it no more, i started crying in the club... because i realized i have always had a problem i could never talk to anyone, and always felt people are judging me, even at home i can't be myself. i have had some encounter's with women 6 but it was never a intrest in them because i had anxiety... it seemed walking with a girl hand in hand took away my stresses of the world..you know ever since i was young i felt left out, last one to be picked, it has affected me in school, daily atticvities , at work, no self esteem, depression, self concious all the negatives.. compulsive negative thought's.. your thinking how did i suppress all my desires.. easy im very strong willed... and it hurt's that i have been living a disadvantage life for 22 years

so how did i realize i had a problem guys.
i read the book the game.. by neil strauss.. because all i wanted to do was have a few girlfriend's or admire them.... and i definably got motivated.
so i enrolled in a pickup course.. and had probably one of the best coache's teach us...
after the first night of doing this.. i was a new man , i was life of the party, the man, enerjetic, i always had these traits but i could not bring it out because i suffer so much from depression and anxiety... i was so overwhelmed that when i was in the club i could think logically.. i started doing weird things... unimaginable things.. started doing tornado kicks out of the blue. i felt like a celebrity.. for once in my life i felt content and normal to walk down the street.. i was so happy and estatic...

so midcourse something happened.. i started becoming hi jacked(emotional brain) within the course.. not feeling content and smooth... then i tore my left knee ligament and that added.... you know no matter how many good results i was getting.. i was not happy with myself. i was negative again... and i was experiencing extremely high's and extremely lows... i was content and trying to fight the negative...
my coach told me to go see a shrink... i thought no way was this normall... also i became very spiritual aswell, and i got to say i was very articulate... i began figuring things out in seconds... my brain was opening up and i was so happy... and then somehow i began bringing back the negative thought's and trying to fight it and i returned to anxiety and depression.. i have been crying for 2 weeks, talking to mum every day... it really hurt's guys and i honestly have had thought''s of not being here... this affects work, home, me, everything and anything i do ... i am severely affected how do i know...

because when i was thinking logically for a few month's i could do things unbelievable smooth and quick and could rite very advanced..i could enjoy music for what it was..just to listen to music felt like i was in heaven because i was not worrying..

that's my story i honestly felt i was becoming so successful during these good time's my coach even told me i could earn 300k a year. i was that confident because i finally was out of my shadow and could be the guy i always wanted to be....when i thought logically.. i actually lost 10 kgs in a short amount of time because i believed

and then i slipped back into it... so is it social anxiety.. i am not sure but i can tell you my symptoms...

FEEL everyone is judging me, my movements,
never content and relaxed
struggle to want to engaged any social activities
extremely hard to be in the moment in that minute
spent most my life isolated from fun thing's as i could never focus and enjoy
hard to concentrate

basically i know i have the worst case.... i was so nie eve about the world . and it hurts like a knife in my heart because i know i am living at 10% of my potential, and it hurt's that i have been disadvantaged my whole life... and im scared i have to be this way.... rite now i have no job in debt, no self esteem, self conscious(even though i am on the good looking side it does not matter because when your anxious your face scares people away.

i checked into a shrink for this week coming.. and i read books but even then i can't focus entirely.. i am trapped in the past. and i have broken out of the anxiety a couple times in the last week but it never last's long... i just want to feel comfortable in my own skin as i have experience for the first time. it explains why i have no friends even though i am loud... it is because i am negative , and you know what people can sense it.. i have practiced the positive when i was in the course.. and let me tell you however big small ugly good looking ... if you cannot think positive or be happy it is so hard to portray that and get people to intrest you...i have never been angry , i am always light heated and big on respect... i live life like a hero... honestly if i think logically which is 1% ever.. i actually feel like a war hero that has the courage to face anything...

if i cure this .. my job will be to put my heart and soul out for people who suffer from this.. because it is tuff i am scared and sometimes wish ..you know!!!

most people would say your ok there's nothing wrong with you appreciate what you have.. how can i, i can't stop thinking.. and i refuse to suppress my desires like i have been doing.....

that's my story guy's i even find it hard to be expressive, as anxiety does this... and no matter what activities i try to do to be happy i can't focus and shake the depression.. i am so strong that i just turn a blind eye... my heart goes out to you people... honestly and truly... my goal is to be a life coach and help people somehow.. but if i can't use my intuition and i am self sabotage then what's the point of living honestly.. i don't want to fake a smile anymore, i wish i could be me... i hope there is a cure.. you know i don't do druggs or drink or smoke you know i even took a shot of extacy for my birthday and guess what because of my mind i could not even experience it this has happened 2wice just as an example how disadvantaged i am.. just want to be happy... when i think logical i want to change the world.. but i can never sustain that mood.. any advice is more then welcome.. i really am struggling to cope with life..and for the first time my mum has seen me content in my own body ... we know i have a problem... i have so much love for this world.. im the type of person to put my life on the line to help someone innocent.. but i just wish i could be my self and live a normal life..

im at a point where knowing that this was not normal .. is hurting so much... i feel everything emotionally.. i wish i could think logical.. i never have been able to... im scared and have been crying 3 weeks straight because i only just now realized after the course that im back to where i have always been you know id love to have the shot to think logicall in life i feel suicidal but could never go through with it because ive learnt to be strong... but what's the point of being strong if you cant be yourself believe in your self , be in the moment it's 3 weeks till i see a phycologist im sick always have been ...

[Robbed]

ALOT of what you say here applies to me as well. I also fear being judged in social situations and often feel like I have nothing to say. And, like yourself, I feel like I am living my life at a MUCH lower level than I should or could be. The job thing particularly resonated with me. Although I am not unemployed, I am DEFINITELY underemployed (I have a master's degree in engineering, but work in a restaurant). All of this is due to my social anxiety.

Like yourself, I have been trying to improve my situation lately. Specifically, I have joined a group for people with social anxiety. And I have generally been trying to talk to random people more, whether it be people at stores or customers at work. I have also found that sometimes, things go well. But other times, I am clobbered by my old problems, such as social anxiety and dismally low self esteem. However, I think there is something VERY important that both of us need to realize when it comes to self-improvement. And that is that this sort of thing takes time - LOTS of time. When it all comes down, what we are trying to do here is learn skills that SHOULD have been learned long ago. Basically, we are the way we are now because, when we grew up, we were shy, awkward, anxious, and/or otherwise didn't have the opportunities to learn social skills from a young age (maybe because our parents/family weren't social, didn't have people around, and couldn't teach us social skills well). So now we have to play catch-up. This is most DEFINITELY possible. But it is going to take time and practice - LOTS of it.

Another thing to remember is that you are probably being haunted by your past. You probably had ALOT of bad experiences in the past. And they come back to haunt you and make you feel bad. This is VERY, VERY typical. And I deal with this myself. Unfortunately, there is NO sure-fire way to make this go away at the snap of a finger. And because we are human, we WILL feel discouraged and beaten down by it from time to time. The key is to just try to hang in there and try your best to improve things despite this negative legacy. I know, easier said than done. But eventually, things will get better. Patience is key, though. After all, this is a slow process that we undertake for the long haul. But the end result (which we might not see for a few years) is well worth it.

[marsgirl]

Hi Stevo and Robbed,
Robbed - I totally agree with you. I feel social anxiety on occassion (even though outwardly ppl who know me see me as confident, extremely friendly and extroverted, and plus I am a multimedia teacher so I am often in public view and often 'the life of the party') -- I can totally relate to some ppl not learning social skils and confidence growing up. In fact I believe many of my problems are due to my environment as a child as my parents moved from Europe to Australia (where I live) and so had very few friends, were poor, were socially inept, suffered anxiety when/if ppl dropped by and our place was always messy, dirty, .....I realise it wasn't their fault they were poor and disadvantaged, but they were very negligent parents, never let us kids do anything (bc it was too dangerous, ie, go to the city to watch a move, bc we might be robbed, raped, kidnapped or murderd?? Imagine growing up in that environment...it's amazing I am not a total nutcase!~!

Anway, at risk of going on...I just wanted to say that I agree with Robbed in that we have to RE-LEARN SOCIAL SKILLS WHICH TAKES TIME. I still sometimes feel embarrassed if my house is messy...or I feel I don't look as good as I can, or I am not as slim as I feel I should be...the list goes on - even though I have married well, studied and became a teacher, live in a beautiful home, take good care of my health and look good...(I am not wanting to brag, but just explain how the outside world views me) ---so I don't understand how I sometimes I STILL feel insecure, judged, inadequte - it's like I still seem to live in the past and remember all the shame of living with my parents (who I do love) but they are immensely ignorant, negligent and slovenly...even today I feel depressed when I visit them and how they live. They have money but are very stingy in how they live and this deeply affected me as I never felt I was good enough. I wish I could shake this off...it's horrible and eats all your confidence. How do you escape that?? I guess I still have my hang-ups about the past even though I have in many ways moved forward. What do you think guys??

[marsgirl]

Also stevo - I wanted to say that I could relate to your symptoms - eg>FEEL everyone is judging me, my movements,
never content and relaxed
struggle to want to engaged any social activities
extremely hard to be in the moment in that minute
spent most my life isolated from fun thing's as i could never focus and enjoy
hard to concentrate

I am hear to help if I can bc I feel the pain as you do!
Best Regards, hang in there fellow-friend and sufferer, trust me, you are NOT ALONE...Marsgirl

[Robbed]

I just wanted to say that I agree with Robbed in that we have to RE-LEARN SOCIAL SKILLS WHICH TAKES TIME.

Or, at least in my case, learn them for the first time.