Relationship Meltdown

[ashes2ashes]

Hi - im new to this site but over the past six months have witnessed the sheer destructiveness of Anxiety upon my relationship....

In June 2010 I met a wonderful girl and we immediately fell in love - moving in together in November. ALl was fantastic until she began to develop anxiety symptoms in February 2011. She wnet to the docs and they wer eof little help and the anxiety grew - she became irritable, distant and no longer wanted intimacy. By April she told me that she was moving out to be closer to her parents (170 miles away) and she subsequently left in May. She told me that I could follow her down, yet two weeks later stated that whilst she still loved me she needede time to recover. Throughout that time it felt like she had systematically removed me from her life. In June she decided that she could not offer me anything and ended the relationship, and that I could not go down to see her. Later that month I turned up at her address and she was extremely angry. We still maintain regular contact and I am going to see her next week for the firts time in 2 months (other than my last jaunt). She continues to send conflicting messages, offering only brief glimmers of the person she once was. Whilst she is indifferent towards me I still have hope and faith (or i am possibly deluded) - yet I know this is anxiety as I have seen it destroy her.

Whilst I know this has been unbearable for her she has kept it together. Whilst I may have initially handled this wrongly (pull yourself together) I have since read a lot and altered my behaviour significantly - however this does not stop the hurt, pain, anguish and frustration felt by the on/off/estranged partners. Has anyone else experienced this?? Has anyone salvaged a relationship after being parted for so long?? Should I keep the faith and how do I handle myself within this first proper contact??

[Schatmeisje]

Hi ashes, sorry to hear about what has happened, but it is lovely that you care enough to educate yourself with what is going on with her, and even though she cant show it at the moment, im sure she would be very greatful.

I have been with my partner ever since my anxiety started, and our lives have completely changed as a result. He has always been so supportive to me and what is happenng, but still there are times when i just want to be quiet, and not talk, or be by myself.

Try and remember that if you do want to be with her, it will take some time for her to feel beter and to learn to cope with anxiety. I know myself, that i feel embarrassed sometimes that my partner has to help me with certain things, and i also fell very guilty that i am not the same person he fell in love with, but we are definitely closer than ever before ow we are going trough this together. It will take her some time to accept the changes that have happened to her as well, so she may just need some time to work on herself and to accept this.

I guess by her saying 'she had nothing to offer' that she is feeling a bit guilty and confused by everything, but she has also told you she still loves you, and i can relate to this as i tried to do the same thing with my partner, and he refused to go ! lol.

Only you can decide of you want to stay with her and if you love her, and yes, supporting someone through this is a lot of work, but it can also be very rewarding.

Maybe when you see her you could explain that you now understand what she is going through, and that you are willling to work through this with her and support her however you can (if this is what you want to do). I think you are getting the conflicting messages due to anxiety, as i am the same, some days i am my old self and funny, playful, andother days i feel so awful, i might just want everyone to go away for a little while.

I dont know if she is having any therapry, but i know that my partner comes alongto all my psychologist appointments with me, which i LOVE (but that might not be for everyone) and he also takes me out to do exposure therapy where he takes me to do the things that scare me and cause me anxiety, perhaps you could offer to help her out with some of this.

I hope this helps a little, and again, i really commend you for being willing to learn and support her, although you have a very hard decision on your hands !

xx