Thank you for your responses. It is encouraging to hear you tell me I should go, and to say all the things I know deep down to be true. It is still so scary and like you said, Marlow, it is the anticipation that is the worst part. I decided to try a new program today and one of the first things asked is to go and be alone and really think about what you are afraid of. I wrote this down and I thought I'd share. Maybe others will have similar perspectives, feelings, experiences? Please feel free to comment. Here is what I wrote.

I am afraid that I will get stuck in a situation and not be able to get out of it. That I will have no help. That people will not care enough to help me or know how, or that no one will be able to help me at all. That I will be all alone and just get sucked into space. Sucked into nothingness. Die? Go crazy? I'm not sure. That I will never recover. Never recover. Never be the same. Or maybe just die and not BE at all. At the very least, embarrass myself, or pass out. That the world will just start spinning. Spin and spin around me. Or I will just get lifted off into space. That nothing is 'holding' me here. There is nothing keeping me here. I am not grounded. I am not a part of things. Like maybe I don't belong or no one will care that I'm gone. That I'm so insignificant that I could just... "poof"... cease to be. That the world is unpredictable and maybe gravity will just stop working. Maybe I'll be the first person to die or go crazy from a panic attack. That I will be all alone. Alone, abandoned, isolated, and scared. Alone and scared and no one to help me. No one to comfort me. That I have only me to depend on. And what if I'm not good enough? What if I'm not enough? What if I fail? I don't want to be all I have. I don't want to be all alone with only myself.


So it is kind of sad reading that back. Because one, I feel like there is a lot going on in my head (even though I think I got to the root of it by the end). And because, two, I feel sad for myself. I feel empathy for myself. Which, actually, is probably a good place to start. It sure beats the shame that I have been feeling about this stuff.