At the End of My Rope.

[antflower]

Hi there,
I don't know what to say. I can't organize my thoughts enough to express how stuck I am. I'm just at the end of my rope with my anxiety. I am truly at the end, but I want to climb out of this cage that I live in. I'm honestly not trying to complain, I just feel as though I need some sort of help.

I don't know what to tell you. I'm 19 years old, and I have been struggling with anxiety since at least 10th grade, though I have always been a timid girl. At first, I just thought that I was too self-aware, but now whatever it is that I feel is unbearable. It is currently 630am and I have yet to sleep. I don't even like sleeping anymore because I wake up more tired than I was before- my dreams are very vivid and my brain doesn't get much rest. I haven't left my house since Friday... Even then I had to leave my house to go to out patients to renew my prescription. With that being said, I have seen professionals before and they are always somewhat fascinated by my level of anxiety. I usually shake when I talk to people. Come to think of it, I shake my feet when I'm laying in bed too...
I feel weird leaving my house alone. I don't know what it is. I think I just need someone with my to distract my mind. I swear it is more powerful than I am. I can't walk alone.

I'm not sure what to do. Whatever I feel, feels wrong. I constantly feel overwhelmed. First my head aches, my blood turns hot, then I start feeling very "off" but repeatedly tell myself that I am okay. My stomach turns and occasionally I vomit.

I'm scared of being alive. Is that okay? I'm not afraid to LIVE because I want to do that, but I'm scared of being alive... of being in my body and in my mind. I can't even believe that I am writing this because I'm usually so nervous about it.

I'm choking on tears.

Just please, please tell me whatever you can to help me. I don't expect any of you to have all of the answers, I am willing to find some myself. I will do whatever I have to in order to escape this mental prison.

Desperately,

Ash

[Ratzinger]

antflower, the thing I always bang on about is serotonin. 70-80% of Americans suffer from low serotonin, and this is directly linked to depression and anxiety. It might not always be the cause of depression/anxiety, but it can be an aggravating factor. I have had minor anxiety for a number of years, but it only got worse when I started sleeping less, eating less fruit, not exercising and not going outside - all when I started working from home. It was at that moment an occasional anxiety problem turned into something nasty and that led me to seek a doctor, who identified serotonin as the problem.

The reason i write this is because I read that you have not gone out since Friday, and you wrote this on Wednesday morning, which means you have gone 5 days without going outside, and i imagine not going out is already a regular thing. So, as much as it is difficult, try and make a point of going outside daily for a walk. It doesn't matter where, whether it is to the store, to a friends house, or even just wander a few blocks. It will be tough at first but if you keep doing it every day it will get easier and easier. It takes a while for serotonin to increase substantially - around 30-40 days - but over time it will make things easier for you. Plus, the exercise tiring you out will make you sleepier at night, and sleeping more will help as well.

Being locked up inside is a certain way to make anxiety worse.

[Robbed]

antflower, the thing I always bang on about is serotonin. 70-80% of Americans suffer from low serotonin, and this is directly linked to depression and anxiety.

This all sounds fine and dandy if you are trying to sell drugs that supposedly correct this problem. But the problem with the whole 'serotonin deficiency' thing is that it cannot be proven.

[antflower]

antflower, the thing I always bang on about is serotonin. 70-80% of Americans suffer from low serotonin, and this is directly linked to depression and anxiety. It might not always be the cause of depression/anxiety, but it can be an aggravating factor. I have had minor anxiety for a number of years, but it only got worse when I started sleeping less, eating less fruit, not exercising and not going outside - all when I started working from home. It was at that moment an occasional anxiety problem turned into something nasty and that led me to seek a doctor, who identified serotonin as the problem.

The reason i write this is because I read that you have not gone out since Friday, and you wrote this on Wednesday morning, which means you have gone 5 days without going outside, and i imagine not going out is already a regular thing. So, as much as it is difficult, try and make a point of going outside daily for a walk. It doesn't matter where, whether it is to the store, to a friends house, or even just wander a few blocks. It will be tough at first but if you keep doing it every day it will get easier and easier. It takes a while for serotonin to increase substantially - around 30-40 days - but over time it will make things easier for you. Plus, the exercise tiring you out will make you sleepier at night, and sleeping more will help as well.

Being locked up inside is a certain way to make anxiety worse.

I'm honestly not sure what to think. I just had to head to my university to write an exam; writing it wasn't my concern, being in a classroom was. I realized that I forgot to take my medication this morning (welbutrin) and my walk to school was probably the worst feeling of my life. On top of being anxious, I felt like a roaming ghost and all of my senses were extremely heightened. I kept holding my head while I was walking because all of the sounds/thoughts/feelings were giving me a headache. I felt a tingly sensation throughout my legs, leading up to my head, and I was holding back vomit/tears. I was seriously considering just going to the hospital rather than to my final exam...

Anyway, I was put on paxil last year and it was okay, but once I noticed that I lost connection with myself and my emotions, I decided to stop taking it. I was fine for a little while. However, I went through some pretty nasty situations that really effected my self-worth. In January I decided to get back on the paxil and it was all great for awhile. I was social and things were good. I was truly happy- even with my partner. I'm not saying that I am unhappy with him by any means, I just mean that my condition sometimes twists things around and it effects our relationship. I hate that.
But, a few months later, the effects stopped working. My dosage was increased, but I found myself falling back into my anxious ways- except maybe x10. Anyway, I last took paxil on Tuesday of last week or so, and began welbutrin on Saturday. The reason my doctor switched me to welbutrin is because when I finally get to sleep (around 6am), I would have very vivid memories and would wake up feeling exhausted.
I still do.

I just want to have a good nights sleep... Just one would be so great! I'm sorry for boring your pants off with my words, but it's really, really getting to me. I've never really reached out to people about this before... other than a doctor.

Also, I began eating very healthy last week. I figured that would help, but my head is still wonky. My brain feels numb.

[Robbed]

.

I know that this is a touchy subject but i have to disagree with you robbed . Yes it may be hard to prove but in saying that it is not hard to see that certain things will increase the feeling of well being such as what Rat mentioned wheather it has anything to do with low serotonin or something else .

I understand where you are coming from but as you would agree for what every the reason it is best to try those things before taking some toxic drug that they really have no idea how it is going to effect you , most often badly .

cheers kev

The issue here isn't whether or not certain things (such as diet and exercise) can help with anxiety disorder. It's whether anxiety disorder is CAUSED by low serotonin (or whether such things as diet or exercise alleviate this deficiency). Consider, for instance, the fact that this guy's doctor told him that he has low serotonin. The fact is, despite all the education this doctor may have, he has no way of knowing this. There is, in fact, NO lab test that can confirm that this guy does indeed have low serotonin. The whole notion that low serotonin IS the problem is based on the fact that certain drugs which increase serotonin levels help some people some of the time. But the mere fact that these drugs only help some people some of the time suggests that low serotonin is NOT the problem. Or at least not the entire problem.

[mastersax]

antflower, I was just browsing around the forums for the first time just now to learn a little more about anxiety because I was just diagnosed with it and put on Zoloft a couple weeks ago. I saw your thread and registered an account here to respond because I've felt the same way a lot lately. Inability to organize thoughts, racing thoughts, feeling trapped, inability to sleep, lots of weird dreams (I used to almost never have dreams), basically a lot of the same symptoms, although yours sound more severe. I've felt kind of alone in dealing with this for quite awhile so it is encouraging for me to see that there are other people out there like you who have such similar experiences and know what it's like.

I'm really new to this and don't know much about anxiety or treating it yet (trying to read more about it) like I said I was only just diagnosed, but you mentioned you went through some pretty nasty things recently. Have you considered looking into group therapy or some other kind of therapy program? Perhaps there are things in your past that have amplified your anxiety symptoms and therapy might help? If you're in college right now your school counseling center might be able to help place you in a group.

Again, dealing with anxiety is much newer to me than it is to you so sorry if these are things you've already tried. Good luck