Thanks!

It sucks that your anxiety came back. It seems like anxiety goes away and returns, and goes away and so forth. Its a real pain! I heard that using imagination and visualisation to conquer anxiety does work, but I have a hard time doing so. When I'm relaxed, no problem I can easily imagine things like that (cartoon voices etc.) During a panic attack or high anxiety however its a totally different story, its like i cant trick myself.

Today was day 5 of remeron and F that im done. Im lethargic, and when I did get better for that period of 8 months or so I was just taking my clonazepam (which I plan on very very slowly coming off of, and using another benzo for emergencies only)

I was thinking today about my lifestyle and how it affects me. I rarely go out anymore, I smoke cigarettes (which is stimulating) plus I already have asthma so improper breathing sure isnt helping the situation, Im gonna try to kick that habit this week. I sleep odd hours, I mean when i fall asleep no problem I sleep like a rock (luckily) but I do stay up very late (usually till 2-3 in the morning) and than I'll wake up around 11-12. Its not the best sleeping pattern, I really enjoy the morning so I'm going to start sleeping a few hours earlier. I'm going to cut back a bit more on sugar aswell, and get back to the gym (Im a slim guy, but definately out of shape). Im going to also try using better inner dialogue with myself, you know, try to cut out all the negativaty.

I think this will be a big step forward. My girlfriend dumped my ass AGAIN. I don't really blame her, but its her loss in the end. I'm going to use that to fuel myself forward. My family pointed out that I'm usually anxious when I'm with her, and I've gotten better the times that we were apart. Its hard though first love blah blah ..

Anyways I'm trying to get myself to that point of motivation again where I say fuck it because I dont want to stay like this.

I'm going to try the linden method again, because I really think it works. When I got better for that period of time, I was basically doing what his manual says (and this is before I even heard about it) I think when I was feeling better I just stopped pushing myself which allowed the anxiety back in.

As for my childhood it was relitavely okay from as much as I can remember. I was kind of secluded as I lived in the suberbs, In a french province (Im in Quebec) So I didnt have a very social childhood, and barely any friends until highschool. Also I don't come from a wealthy family, were ok but could have better finances for sure. Most of the people around here have a pretty decent income, so i always felt like I had less than most kids, which kind of sucked.

My parents got divorced when i was about 13 years old, which was a shocker cause they very rarely argued. Things kind of snowballed from there I think. I was living with my mother and she met somebody else and was barely home all week from what I remember. I was with my brothers and sisters mostly, even during school weeks and all. That didn't last to long though, I moved in with my father maybe a year later. In an area closer to school and friends. That's when I dabbled in drugs. I've always been kind of rebellious I guess, I'm a middle child I don't know if that has anything to do though. Im rarely afraid of consequences which has landed me in a bit of trouble and I've done a few things I'm not proud of (drugs, theft and fraud) Which is really against my values. I carry that with me.

When I started doing drugs i started to climb the social ladder. I was becoming a somebody (kind of). This only lasted about a year before I had my first panic attack on the mushrooms. In retrospect I don't think i every really loved myself, or felt good about myself. I can remember being sad often when I was younger, and thought way into the future and just thought things would be great because i was older.

Before all of this I guess I was relatively calm, I got great grades in school, I would go out no problem (when I had the option to). The only feelings of anxiety that I can think of are that I was to afraid to get onto a roller coaster, and I was afraid to get onto a public bus for the first time. That was all really.

Its funny because I only remember bits and pieces from my 22 years, I can only remember certain things, I dont know if i blocked things out or something, or if this is normal or even has anything to do with anxiety at all. Who knows.

I feel like I can type on and on and on, but I don't want to bore the readers!

As for you gaara, I really appreciate your reply. I hope you are doing well with your anxiety at this moment. Do you have depression along with it? What are you currently trying to get past it? If you're interested I'd gladly e-mail you a copy of the linden method I think there is real potential in there if its followed correctly. It basically says that anxiety is a habit of bad behaviour. Like biting your nails, or picking your nose or something. It says that the best thing you can do to get past it, is to just ignore and bury it, not to give it credit whatsoever. Anyways it's really interesting and has tons of info!

all in all, Im trying to get myself motivated and full of energy by leading a better healthier lifestyle, and once I get there I'll start challenging myself more and more.

Also, for that period that I did get better, I was drinking a lot. My gf broke up with me and I said fuck it, quit smoking. I remember drinking everyday for no joke atleast a month, not neccisarely getting hammered, but Id have atleast one beer. I guess I was self medicating. I did slow down after that month though and things were great. I'm just trying to figure out what I did than so I can repeat it now.

Thanks, Brandon