Anxeity My Life Story, and thoughts of how I first got it.

[Annonymity]

Its my first time writing in this forum so I just wanted to say hello to everyone

I had my first panic attack at the age of 13, and I think I know what caused it. I was cutting school and playing computer video games for 15-18 hours a day without any exercise, and I was also super heavy into porn and mastrubation, I used to mastrubate 6 times a day, which in my opinion isin't very healthy, but what can I do I was young and wasn't thinking at all, and I also was pretty fat back then, eating alot of junk food.

I still remember it like it was yesterday eventho almost 10 years has passed now, I played computer during the day, as usual. and then I watched some porn did some mastrubation and then some more games intill I finaly went to bed. after about 20 mins all hell broke loose my heart started beating faster then it ever had in my entire life I felt out of breath and I started to panic I ran around the room screaming yelling, it was super terrifying, I remember thinking to myself I dont wanna die this young, anwyay to make it a short story my mother took me to the hospital where they checked my heart rate etc and after that they sent me home without an explanation, and I was terrifyed lying in my bed for almost 3 months getting very bad headaches and stomach aches etc, and whenever I got medicin for my stomach or whatever i read the label where it said what symptoms you could get from using the medication and I always ended up getting them or atleast emagening to get them.

after a few months passed my body started to desensetize, my anxeity levels went down I started to running and playing soccer and I started to go back to school etc, and during this whole period i didint play computers or watch any porn. more time passed and I forgot all about anxeity and I buried all memories of it very deep down, and later in my teens I started to drink every week for almost a year, when I think back that year was the best of my life. Later I stopped smoking which I picked up when i was 15 i think and I quit drinking aswell and started working out building serious muscles.

During the time when I was working out alot I was also home alot trying to eat as much as possible to grow bigger and stronger, I was very heavy into building muscles it started to become my hobby and I also quit school altogether. And when I quit school I had even more free time which I had to fill with something, so it I started playing games again, and watching alot of porn. and after a while I started to have panic attacks again, but now it was different I wasn't that 13 year old boy anymore I could control my self and not rush to the hospital every time. I started reading up on anxeity and getting more knowlege from my psychiatrist and I learned how to defuse panic attacks and now I am at the point when I can have a serious panic attack and just pull myself together and continue doing whatever I was doing before.

But now im at a point where I feel lingering anxeity everytime I have sex or masturbate, ive given it some thought and my conclusion is that its the psychial act of ejaculation which triggers something because after that I generally more anxious and recently Ive had problems with severe tension in my neck throat(Globus Hystericus) and tension in my stomach plus tension headaches. I have a medicin called Oxascand(Oxazepam) which works wonders for me but I dont want to abuse it so I go weeks without using it because I know when I use it I love it so much I start using regularly to help my tension problems. In the end this is all theory but i've tryed to prove myself wrong, like going months without sex and mastrubation or pornografi and it has worked wonders for me but I can't live my life without sex, I wont even try it.

Ive talked to my psychiatrist of all my problems but not about the porn/videogame/mastrubation issue and she dosent know I have any problems with tension headaches or such stuff its just something I didint want to share with anyone up until this point. what bugs me is not that im doing any of these stuff, in the contrary I am very open about stuff like this. but it is what happens to me when I go into this cycle its not normal. why would my body go into fearmode when I ejaculate its like all my internal systems flare up and I get super anxious for days and very anxeity sensetive during those days. maybe its all related to that one day when I got my first panic attack. I forgot to mention aswell during the time when I was heavy into drinking and parties etc I had sex without any problems I even mastrubated regularly without any probelems and watched alot of porn without even the slightest sign of anxeity. I am diagnosed by a psychiatrist so I know its anxeity and Ive went to doctors alot doing health check up's etc so its not really anything els. I know it all sounds super wierd and I actually want to fix this issue as soon as possible. I think even know the solution, which is to quit plaing games altogether and start working to fill my day with something or even start studying again. and maybe start working out again to fill other parts of the day but I feel I cant go on before I get to the bottom of this, why is this happening and how to fix it. But i dont think I can go to work etc because I rarley eat when I have Globus Hystericus(Tension in my throat) and I feel like I have breathing problems and when I get tension headaches i feel dizzy sometimes and I dont even want to leave the house when I feel dizzy. And Ive tryed to start lifting heavy weights again but when I get to the gym and I go to the bench press or whatever and I start lifting I alrdy have tension in my head and when im lifting weights I tense up even more while trying to max my lifting, lifting heavier and it feels like my head will explode. and I cant go on the treadmill because I alrdy feel out of breath before I even start to run.

The wise thing would be to just desenetize try to socialise and when I come home read books and other stuff and just repeat the cycle intill a few months have passed and im less sensetive, I've tryed this, but its so darn boring. Dont get me wrong I love reading books but I cant read for more then 2-3 hours and even then my friends are either studying(early in the morning) or working(early in the morning) and I just end up lying in my bed with nothing to do, when I was younger it was easer to desensetize, I jwas just outside playing all the time or hanging infront of the soccer field all day long with my friends and if I was anxious I didint even have to play I just hanged out there talking etc. but now Im 23 years old I cant just hang by the soccer field all day long with 14 year olds if you get what I mean. and drinking which used to be my anxeity get away cure, is not working anymore it just makes me depressed and I dont want to add any other problems to what I alrdy have.

[jar4u]

Hey Annonymity, Good to read you story and good to see you have opened up and written in straight forward words, this shows your are very much in control of yourself and your thoughts, Also the good thing is you clearly know what triggers your anxiety, Once you know it half your battle against anxiety is won, the rest is how you find a way out of it by applying different methods to eliminate the high anxiety cycle, I think whats happening with you is too much thought into the act of masturbation and sex, you get very sure that your act will give you an anxiety attack and eventually it does, So the simply way out will be either to avoid doing it!!!!! or recondition your mind by doing the act again and telling yourself that you will feel super relaxed and fine once you are in the act, as you have conditioned your mind into it..the same way you can condition your mind out of it..it will not be easy but i believe this is the only way out of it or any anxiety or repetitive thought issues....Re-conditioning!!!!

Also know one thing that all the thought and sensation related with anxiety are absolutely harmless and will not give rise to any serious ailments later on in life, its just your mind playing games with you and you have to recondition it with patience and knowledge. Fighting your thoughts will only make it worse but relaxing and letting it happen naturally and knowing that i will not harm you or kill you conditions your mind into getting used to the new idea that all these sensations and thoughts are harmless and non sensible and slowly your mind starts to pay less and less attention to it and eventually it will pass away..............Hope it works out for you...

[Annonymity]

Hey Annonymity, Good to read you story and good to see you have opened up and written in straight forward words, this shows your are very much in control of yourself and your thoughts, Also the good thing is you clearly know what triggers your anxiety, Once you know it half your battle against anxiety is won, the rest is how you find a way out of it by applying different methods to eliminate the high anxiety cycle, I think whats happening with you is too much thought into the act of masturbation and sex, you get very sure that your act will give you an anxiety attack and eventually it does, So the simply way out will be either to avoid doing it!!!!! or recondition your mind by doing the act again and telling yourself that you will feel super relaxed and fine once you are in the act, as you have conditioned your mind into it..the same way you can condition your mind out of it..it will not be easy but i believe this is the only way out of it or any anxiety or repetitive thought issues....Re-conditioning!!!!

Also know one thing that all the thought and sensation related with anxiety are absolutely harmless and will not give rise to any serious ailments later on in life, its just your mind playing games with you and you have to recondition it with patience and knowledge. Fighting your thoughts will only make it worse but relaxing and letting it happen naturally and knowing that i will not harm you or kill you conditions your mind into getting used to the new idea that all these sensations and thoughts are harmless and non sensible and slowly your mind starts to pay less and less attention to it and eventually it will pass away..............Hope it works out for you...

Thanks for taking your time and replying back. What you wrote somewhat feels logical, I will try to recondition my thoughs. But now when I think about it, when I think about sex/mastrubation I feel my heart rate going up slightly, normaly I wouldn't notice but I do now if you know what I mean. And I also feel my chest tightening up just a little bit, like my body is doing some subconcious fear response since I normaly don't pay attention to it. But I know i've felt it before. Re-conditioning, I will try to think out a way to recondition approaching anxeity this way rather than fearing it, I like it and it makes me feel good.

I think people usually fear the panic attacks, but In my case I don't, but I dont like them either, im at a point where i've had so many panic attacks during my whole life that Ive gotten used to them, and learned how to defuse them aswell. What I hate most is the lingering anxeity which I feel on a daily basis sometimes and sometimes like today I don't feel anything. Sometimes it feels like the lingering anxeity is crippling me rather than the actual panic attacks, and as i've said in the post above I usually have alot of lingering anxeity after an act of sex/mastrubation. I dont think its there because i fear it, its just there as my body's way of showing im in stress, I admit my thoughts are maybe negative sometimes, but in general im always positive happy and having fun, but at the same time my body is showing sings of severe stress. Anyway Thanks for your advice, maybe it all is because I think my body will show signs of severe stress after sex/mastrubation and I have conditioned in something like an auto-stress response, if this is the case I should be able to condition-out myself again.

[jar4u]

Good Luck friend.....Challenge the monster inside your head, (the fake powerless monster created by you...remember that you give it power) when you start feeling that you are going into a anxiety cycle.....Face it head on and do what you fear now and evertime....and you will succeed in everything you do...