I came for advice

[T-Roy]

Hi. I'm Tyler, and I'm 19.

I'm just going to dive into this right away, because it's not something I want to sugar coat. Here's the backstory and what I need advice/help with;

During High School, me and this girl were together. But during that time for reasons unknown, I would have moments where I would get very attached and fear losing her. Ultimately, that fear itself drove her away. But every time I get close to someone, even when it was with her, I get very nervous. Even thinking about her, I get anxious and my breathing becomes labored.

After we broke up after 3 years, we started talking again about a year later. We both admitted we still liked each other, and conversations started flowing. Now we talk almost daily, save for a day or two when she isn't feeling well. (She moved a state away from me right after HS). I had my anxiety and problems under control, but now they've come back. I find myself getting possessive and attached to even the smallest things, like a pillow or my dog. If my dog gets up to run around outside, I'll have a panic attack and cry because I feel abandoned. I'm also feeling more aggressive in moments when I'm usually not. For example; at work usually people are terrible drivers. Let's face it, they're everywhere. Except as of late, I've become more of an aggressive driver. So now I have all these problems, and increased aggression, from just talking to her. But wait, it gets better.

I've also started feeling like even if she did want to get back together, I'm not good enough for her and she'll leave me for someone else. These thoughts have slowly manifested into myself suggesting things such as self-harm, and just a day or so ago, escalation into thoughts of suicide. I've done nothing so far except treat myself because I don't know what to do.

I started 'treating' myself when I first started feeling like this again. It was with alcohol. I drank almost an entire quarter bottle of rum and had 4 vodka shots. After that, it's been downhill. I ask my friends to buy me some, just to drink it all away within the course of a week - if that.

Along with all that, my anxiety has gotten so bad I can't sleep. I work 12 hour shifts in a warehouse, 5 of the 7 days of the week. I come home, and can't sleep. This is now day number 3 I'm surviving using a Mtn. Dew, 5 Hour Energy, Redbull, and Monster mixture just to function normally.

I'm running out of options and hope. I'm coming here because I have not a clue what the hell is wrong with me. I'm hoping someone here can help point me in the right direction. I've already asked for therapy, but was told to "suck it up and deal with it like a man". So, other than that, I've had no other advice.

[fixmybrokenmind]

Hey Tyler I am sorry to hear of your struggles. I have been with my girlfriend for 6.5 years but around the 5 year mark she broke up with me and I was absolutely crushed for 6 months until we got back together so I feel you man.

Get those suicidal thoughts far out of your head, you are 19 and a full life ahead of you, you will be happy you just have to work for it. I understand alcohol is easy to make the first thing you reach for but it is only making your situation worse. Alcohol lowers your GABA and Serotonin in your brain, both of which you need to feel calm and happy. This is why alcohol makes you feel good at first only to crash when it is removed.

We are glad to help you here but I think you need to talk to a therapist or something if you are suicidal. I mean that in no judgemental way, I have seen a therapist myself before in the past and I found it super helpful.

Involve a family member or someone you really trust. Sometimes just getting these thoughts out of your head to someone can be therapeutic.

[gypsylee]

Hi Tyler and welcome

Sounds like me at 19 but I was worse! I'm 43 now - older and a bit wiser.

I agree 100% with fixmybrokenmind.. Getting the shit out of your head is a must. Even if it's just here it makes a huge difference.

Cheers,
Gypsy x