Hi im B 22 yo And this is my story

[Manekineko]

I remember always being anxious as a kid, afraid of THE dark And sleeping alone. Ive slept with my tv on until I was 16! THE depression And anxiety attacks started when I was 15 but was really bad untill I couldnt function anymore by age 17. Ever since ive had episodes of really deep And And heavy depression, anxiety And sleep paralyses. Right now in my country its very cold (iT always is actually), winter started, days are short And THE sky is gray. My life is very good right now, im 22 years old And a tattoo artist, me And my boyfriend live together And I love him. I have family And friends. How can I feel so alone? So heavy And empty At THE same time. Sometimes I can cry for hours ams sometimes I feel numb to THE point where I ask myself if Id rather be dead or at least asleep forever.

Anyways, ive had fulltime therapy in a mental hospital And therapy since I was 15. Medication everything ive had iT all. Is iT that I Just have to live with this? Dont get me wrong there are times where I feel happy And especially blessed. But when my mind is dark I cant seem to go back to that feeling in Any way possible.

I feel lost, alone And stupid, I hate myself when im like this.

Sorry for complaining

B

[rtayatay]

I am brand new here, so I post with some caution. Mainly, (1) I'm no expert on anxiety or depression... anxiety has been more of my issue, and I'm just starting to wrestle with it; (2) I'm assuming you are still getting professional help - it sounds like your depression is serious and needs to be evaluated and monitored by professionals. With that being said, here are a few thoughts.

1) It's great that you have family and friends around you. Are you able to share with them openly and honestly about your struggles? As my anxiety stuff has gotten worse, I have become 'embarrassingly' open with my wife and a few close friends, as well as a therapist I just started seeing. Boy, I needed it, because I feel like one of the toughest things with this stuff is you can beat yourself up in your head for not overcoming, not doing better, my friends aren't like this, etc. That comes out in a few of your statements - feeling 'stupid', 'I hate myself when I'm like this', and of course, 'Sorry for complaining'. You're not complaining - this is an anxiety forum! A forum for expressing challenges and experiences with anxiety. So, congrats on fulfilling the purpose of this forum in your post. Well done! Anyway, it has helped me immensely to share more openly with those close folks. I encourage you to consider doing the same.

2) Ironically, I think the year of my life I did the most soul-searching (Who am I? When will I find someone? Am I where I should be in life?) was when I was 22. Although I didn't have issues with anxiety or significant depression, it was definitely a time when I felt lonely and trying to figure things out. That was the year that I became a Christian, and my whole world changed. I don't share that to say hey, become a Christian and all your problems are solved... I'm still the same Christian, 24 years later, but here I am with anxiety issues. But it was a life-changer for me. I would be happy to share more about that arena if you'd like.

3) Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry it's been a tough so far in many ways. I do believe things will get better. They did for me at 22, and I am hopeful that my current anxiety issues will improve. I'm hopeful for you too.

[jasonrobert252]

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[Manekineko]

Hee! Im sorry for my late response. Thank you so mich for your Message, iT is very kind And makes me feel less alone. THE last time ive had professional help was when I was 18 actually, ive been hospitized when I was 17 for 4 months. Ive learned so much back then, And with those things ive learned in all those therapies, I try to deal with iT now.

Luckely I can share with my close girlfriends, And I do share with my boyfriend (he doesnt fully understand how I feel, I dont think he had ever felt lonely or been to a dark place. Thats ok. Whenever I snap out of iT he says "I missed THE old you". Yesterday I Told HIM this makes me insecure, And he said he would never leave me And always stay by my Side.

Actually the knowledge I have About iT And About myself plus THE Fact that I have people to share with is what makes me so confused! And makes me think its more of a disease or defect like ADHD, since I cant seem to cure iT! Not longterm at least. THE last two days Im feeling better. But im scared. Since winter Just started, And there could be a change that I dont have mich work to do (wich makes me super depressed).

I can find much comfort And meaning in my work, whenever I feel so down, -' sometimes even wish to die, I feel getting energized when I start tattooing. I feel very blessed having THE talent of drawing And painting And a job I love!

[Manekineko]

Oh btw at 17 I got diagnosed : ADD (wich I can really rely to), borderline disprder, personality disorder And depression. (I dont like THE borderline thing I think its bull)