I hear you . And i totally get what you're saying. I'm sorry to hear about your struggle with dialysis. You really will get thru it but alcohol doesn't make it better i've realised. All it's ever really done is numb me then bring me pain. I mean like real physical anguish, not emotional distress. My body reacts to the hard stuff and sadly that's what numbs me. I drink vodka and 2 hours later i'm on the bathroom floor puking my brains out. Man it is not a pretty site. And so i've decided to stop , try a glass of wine every 2weeks and just focus on my health and dance career. But do u hear what i'm saying, i inflicted pain on myself, numbed myself, hurt myself and it brought be back to loving myself. How fucked up is that? I'm telling u this because my mind misleads me too, and it saves me too, just like a guardian angel. As for ur cursh, i'd say anxiety gets in the way of opportunities to not be alone. And the worst part is sometimes we never get tired of being alone but it just feels empty honestly. I've been alone for a year and some months, have a crush on these two amazing people but they'll probably never really know how much i like either of them. Weird i know... Not that i'd ever date both of them. lol I think u should listen to ur heart for a just a second n say something to ur crush