My SA - Dealing with thoughts of judgement

[PR83]

Hello,

It is only recently that I realized I suffer from such a high degree of social anxiety. It all stems from my personal insecurities and a belief that everyone around me is judging/criticizing me, which just leads to more insecurity. Any thoughts out there or advice for this? Anything is appreciated! Thanks,

[Ponder]

I try not to be too hard on myself for thinking such ways, as indeed, people thrive in life doing just those things. What's worse is then they make out I am the one that has the issue for thinking in such terms. My best advice is not to victimise yourself for thinking such things. Doing so only aids in the process of labelling ones self.

To be sure, bias and resentments obscure my view, but coming to understand and accept the world for what it is without blaming myself is key to healing me. (I'm not saying we should not be responsible) In that I would add, it helps not to blame others as well. I can only practice on my thought processing, reactionary wise I have a long way to go, yet once again, don't beat myself up for thinking the way I do.

Learn to decide for yourself how you think and feel and don't focus on the shortcomings of how others may think or may not feel. It's hard to experience being positive when being so down for so long and or caught in ruts that come as sure as the seasons of old.

I'm trying hard to mix things up a little as I know I have a tendency to get wound up if I don't find my running blocks. More meaning focus on anything that can give you a grip when feeling like the world is getting a bit much.

If even I have a problem with my self esteem, then I work on equalizing the pressure by building some up. Experience what moves you, dig up all that unresolved stuff and or just blow off some steam to clean ones emotional state out. Be more yourself and screw those negative thoughts. Just say what's really on your mind and ask yourself what do you really want.

I find the best way to deal with things that seem out of reach, is to simply look for something else, something that is within my reach. Dropping the ideals that most people are brainwashed into, helps me to free myself up from a lot of negative pressure I simply do not need.

I leave it at that, lest I get carried away on some imaginary cloud; which is not such a bad thing if it keeps me from building up toooo much steam.

People are quick to blame others telling them they lack worth, when really it rarely is a case that one is down on their self ... learning to live with others in this kind of world is a damn hard task.

Understand that, and you may be able to afford yourself a little more slack and work on building up some more spark.
____________________________________

Others can add better than me ... but that's my off the bat response for now.

All the best ... nice to meet you.
Just call me Dave if in fact you chime with any of that?

[Nowuccas]

Hey PR83,

A previous post follows, modified for you. Please let me know if any weblinks don't work, so I can amend it.

Go to: http://ecouch.anu.edu.au/welcome Select "social anxiety" for free Cognitive Behavio(u)ral Therapy. An exercise which may help you is called "Act as If." When you are in a social situation, act as if you are outgoing. Talk more; smile at people, ask questions, speak in a normal or excited tone, not a meek tone. Watch some of your more outgoing peers, and imitate the style of their social behavior. (PRETEND that you are an ACTOR, PLAYING a PART). Research shows that when you "act as if" continually, your image of yourself begins to conform to your new behavior. In this case, you will gain self-esteem and self-confidence, and begin to see yourself as socially normal, not shy. You will become more socially successful, and this will motivate you to continue your new social behavior until it becomes a habit.

A form of therapy is to go somewhere that nobody knows you, and deliberately make an utter fool of yourself: put on a paper hat, and yell out: "I'm queen/king of America!", or something else ridiculous, (make up your own - have some fun, safely) then get back in the taxi, (warn the driver of your intentions, first) or car, and leave. People will point, and say: "Look at that idiot". Or, possibly in the company of a friend, or family member, on a different train, or bus route to your regular one, call out the names, or numbers of all the stops. It will teach you that, although it isn't actually pleasant, (EXPECT MODERATE DISCOMFORT/EMBARRASSMENT) you will survive; be stronger for the experience, and the next time (should you need to repeat this type of therapy) will be considerably easier. Remember: "A fear avoided is a fear strengthened; a fear faced is a fear reduced." Regard it as your final test: once you have accomplished it, the barrier will be broken; just don't go too far, the other way! Learn to laugh at yourself, and give a big, cheesy grin when others see you do something foolish, as we all do, occasionally. It is endearing, if you don't do it too often. Use positive affirmations: for example: "I am very likable and other people feel comfortable around me".

Write down all of your self limiting beliefs; then write down, or print, in large type/capitalisation, the positive counter of them, (exact opposite) and repeat them and imprint them into your mind. Put it in a prominent position, where you will see it regularly. Most importantly: Force yourself to approach somebody and initiate some sort of communication. Start out small by asking the time, or directions and gradually go bigger. Although there are anti-anxiety medications (anxiolytics) available, these come with risks, and the possibility of side effects, habituation, even addiction, and withdrawal problems, and are unsuitable for young people. Try having a cup of "Tension Tamer", etc., or make some at home, and cool, then bottle, and drink as needed. C(h)amomile tea tastes better. As with all herbal/green teas, use lemon/lime, and/or a little sweetener (NOT ARTIFICIAL!!!) but no cream, or milk. Xylitol, or Stevia is preferable, from health food stores. Valerian has also been recommended, but some people experience "valerian hangovers". Ensure you know how you react to it, before doing something potentially dangerous, like going out on the roads. The idea is to use the above products like water wings, to provide initial, short term support, while you become proficient in those techniques.

Use a relaxation method daily, like http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-stress.html or http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/mind...Meditation.htm or http://www.wikihow.com Meditate or Tai Chi, Qi Gong, or yoga. Give EFT a good tryout, to see if it helps you. It is free via the searchbar at www.mercola.com "EFT" & "EFT therapists" or www.tapping.com (13 free videos) or YouTube EFT. Professionally instructed is best. - There is a version for use in public places, (if you want to, you can claim to have a headache, as you massage/lightly tap your temples, but you would then be restricted to subvocalising: saying it to yourself in your mind: "Even though I suffer from social anxiety, I deeply and completely accept myself."

Read: Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques by Gillian Butler, & Managing Social Anxiety: A Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Approach Client Workbook (Treatments That Work) by Debra A. Hope, Richard G. Heimberg, Harlan A. Juster, and Cynthia L. Turk. Another forum member recommended: "The Shyness And Social Anxiety Workbook"; check out https://www.google.com.au/search?cli...UTF-8&oe=UTF-8 You may be able to download it for free.

85% of people are suggestible, to some degree, so you could either seek professional hypnotherapy, or more along such lines is at http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/e.html about social anxiety, where there is more about social phobia/anxiety. At Amazon.com enter "social anxiety; CD" See http://www.wikihow.com/Special:GoogS...Main-Page#1254 Those with $: up to 6 months of CBT, and group therapy with similar sufferers is recommended.

Hoping something in the above helps.

[Ponder]

So what thought have you given to any of all this PR83?

I'm actually looking into the Hypnotherapy of late and must say it looks promising. I don't have the $$$ but have found a LOT of information and since discovered that we can all in fact heal ourselves! How's those apples grab ya? All a matter of whether one has the will.

I go now go do some of my own dribbling on such a topic for my own sake. There are many paths to making ourselves well.

Which one do you thin you will take.

You still here?

[The Intolerable Kid]

Everyone around you is judging you, so you're not paranoid.
Keep in mind that you can't please all of the people all of the time. Trying to do so will produce an ulcer, stroke or just drive you mad.
Also remember that you're not required to live your life by the standards others would set for you. If you are satisfied with your life you don't have to apologize to anyone else about it.

[philknightlife]

When I gave up drinking 12 years ago, I bought a book called The Shyness And Social Anxiety Workbook. CBT. It worked great.

[PR83]

Ponder, that was a great response, thank you. I agree with a lot of your points. I will not to victimize myself for having these thoughts initially. I am way too hard on myself in
general and need to be more loose and self deprecating.
Being more confident in myself is a huge part of it and not expecting the worst
of people. I always have it in my mind that every situation is negative, and I never give people
the benefit of the doubt, I always think the worst of them. It's time to give them the benefit of the doubt, and learn that
I can't please everyone and that is perfectly okay.
Thanks for the responses everyone else.

The Intolerable Kid....I have to disagree with you. Probably 95% of the people in public aren't even aware you are there or have 0 interest in what you are doing. Most people are too focused on whatever task they are involved with to notice you. Some may judge you but not always in a negative light. If you are an asshole though, then you probably deserve to be judged. It's fine if you don't want to live by someone else's standards, as long as YOUR standards have some moral merit to them.

[The Intolerable Kid]

PR83, I think your own post proves my point. My advice was simply the old saying that you can't please all of the people all of the time and that is true. It seems like you're trying to characterize me as an "asshole" and you certainly don't know me.
I don't know where you get your 95% statistic, but if you need evidence of how people are very eager to judge strangers just look at the comments section of any website. You'll see ample evidence of true human nature displayed quite clearly.
If you think people don't make petty, random judgements about others that cross their paths in public, in my opinion that is naive.
We'll just have to agree to disagree I suppose.

[PR83]

No, I wasn't specifically pointing to you, saying you are an a-hole. If you are a good person in general, then you shouldn't worry so much about people's judgements. That was the point I was trying to make, sorry if it came out differently. If someone is out in public being an a-hole, then they deserve to be judged, that's all.

[Breez]

Hello,

It is only recently that I realized I suffer from such a high degree of social anxiety. It all stems from my personal insecurities and a belief that everyone around me is judging/criticizing me, which just leads to more insecurity. Any thoughts out there or advice for this? Anything is appreciated! Thanks,

Hey there, thanks for bringing it up. The fear of being judged is the basic cause of social anxiety. However, the world is full of judgments and believe it or not, even you yourself also have to pass judgment on a daily basis. For example, you make a decision to be friends with someone based on your personal judgment that this person could be a good friend. You also make a decision not to dine at a restaurant based on your judgment of how the restaurant looks. So there are all kinds of judgments going on every day.

I used to have a very hard time dealing with judgments because I was so afraid that people would think negatively of me. I felt insecure about everything. I completely ignored my achievements (which most people would be envious of). My best advice for you is to start working on your insecurities first. What I did was to read a lot on SA and introversion. I also listened to a lot of self-help audio books. I learned to be more comfortable with myself and with others for being judgmental as I understand it is a part of life.

I hope my advice helps you see that judgments can be harsh but it can also be good in helping you make decisions. Work on your insecurities and you’ll find that eventually those judgments don’t bother you anymore. Best wishes!