Scared boy needs help.....

[Chirui | Dean]

Hi there, I am Dean. (male , 15yrs old) I'm already apologising for my bad english

I know this is a forum about anxiety, as someone explained to me what it is, I can tell i 'have' it too, I would say pretty bad each time when I have to read a chapter or an task description loudly, I start to read wrong things and everyone laughs at me then I can't talk about 3minutes ( I dont know why). Or when I'm in public alone and people are talking about me and so on....


Im only 15 and been trying to tell a specific thing already for 2 and a half year. Ive been at a therapist talking about it(was 14 then when I tried to talk), but the whole time he had this smiling and a face expression like he didn't care. So I decided for myself to 'shut myself in'. I even tried to end my life, but never did it cause I don't know if it will hurt etc.. All I want is someone to talk private to, but my parents hate me as I can tell ( I am a bit 'fat', so once when I hurt myself at sports in school my knee did hurt the entire day, when I told my mother all she said was 'it's because you're fat' every time i did got hurt from sports or whatever she said that. Then once when I was crying in bed cause i knew shes going to say it again my father heard me, so I thought hes going to help me but i was wrong. He yelled 'Woman your son is crying' even though he is my real father. So past a year im in the last year of school (9th class) and I wanted to 'come out' to my class, but then I realised how homophobic they are, even my teacher which i couldn't belive since shes actually caring for my classmates. I don't really know what I should do now... any advice? I cry myself out each night hoping the very next day gets better.. but i get disappointed, it just gets worse...

My life now: I'm in the last year of school, haven't got a job yet ( living in Switzerland so you can start a job right after you finished school), my parents hate me, I have noone to talk, already tried to kill myself several times.
I hope atleast 1 person is going to read this.


Thanks for reading if someone does

Dean

[Im-Suffering]

This message is for everyone who can relate to this child -

Your parents are not God's. They are just normal humans as fucked up as everyone else. So start by understanding none of your thoughts about yourself are true but some screwed up abusive form of parental conditioning that they themselves had to suffer through. The truth about you will always make you feel good. If any thought feels bad, its a lie.

'coming out' is not shameful but a beautiful expression of your soul. And if you are fat, the weight is a symbol of how you feel from the barrage of insults against your dignity, self worth, and spirit.

I cannot help you in person, nor can anyone else here, other than to say do not listen to the lies. You will know this by how you feel. Remember, thoughts and feelings, as well as other people that make you feel good are your truth, where those that make you feel badly are false beliefs and lies. Even and especially should they come from those that should love you unconditionally, the assholes labeled parents.

Should this simple message click with you, than you are way ahead of the curve and on your way toward living and healing. If not, someday it will all make sense in some epiphany of enlightenment which will more than likely come on suddenly after enough is enough.

[cloudy black]

hello Dean yes i have read this and i am really sorry that things are really bad for you right now. please dont shut yourself in. i remember school being near impossible for me. but i managed to make friends when i left school. being a teenager is tough. have you got someone you can trust enough to talk to maybe an uncle or auntie that you havent thought of i know you have said that you have no one to talk to. other wise i have just looked these up. well i cant talk native Swiss so you are doing very well indeed!!
:0)
gay helpline
international helplines- together we are strong
togetherweare-strong.tumbir.com/helpline

http://festeringfae.tumblr.com/hotlines

teenage helpline

https://teenlineonline.org/
if you have a problem or just want to talk with another teen who understands..

http://www.147.ch/

Switzerland
147 Telephonhilfe fur Kinder und Jugendliche - 147

i hope this is helpful.