Hello everyone!
I'm really happy I found this page since I'm experiencing severe anxiety attacks again and am not willing to go try the meds again.
I've had my panic anxiety attack first time when I was 20, just fresh into university. They were really bad and I lost total sense of who I am, what my life is about and so on, which is even scarier than the anxiety itself. I was put on meds for a few months, but it was even worse. The attacks stopped but I neede months and months and months to get back feeling like myself again. I had problems with my memory, everything was there, it's just that information in my head hardly seemed real to me, eventhough I knew they were. I had problems memorizing, I was confused easily, on the edge all the time, it was hard to concentrate, I hardly understood my old lecture notes... It was a pain in the ass because my studying quality was dropped and I could've been a really good student with good grades. I was studying electrical engineering and I still have a few exams before I get my degree. Anyway so the attacks stopped and through the years I got to feel myself again. I might expose some pressure I was under: fear of failure, peer and relative pressure (especially since I was a virgin and didn't have a boyfriend; my aunt was specifficly telling me that I should be ashamed because of that), feeling like a loser because I needed more time to understand certain things... I'm known to set myself way bigger standards.
My anxiety attacks came back last week. I'm 27, I have a boyfriend (finally), looking for a job which is pretty hard to find eventhough I have a lot of references, lots of experience, excellent capabilites on many general fields, and can't wait to get my degree. I'm glad I've found this page, so I'll be able to find similar experience and feel support from you all. I've read that people can get rid of anxiety without meds and for good, that's also one of the reasons why I'm here. In this very moment as I'm writing to you all, I feel like I'm in a distant land, my family members seem like strangers and I was watching my favourite show not feeling why I love it. I have a boyfriend I know that I charish and I love and I can describe why I love him, but I can't feel it. It's a nightmare and I hope it passes. So far I decided to do more things that will cheer me up, including regular sports activity to shoot myself up with endorphines.
What my worries are now: fear of failure, as always, fearing of not finishing school, not finding a job, being stuck as a housewife and a mom, not being able to live at least some of my dreams which aren't rocket science, they are very doable; in the moment I owe our version of IRS because I opened a business that was supposed to flourish but didn't. My parents were telling me I'll fail, so I have - by the way, I think I fail because people program me to fail. And whatever grandmother wished bad for me to happen, does happen even on a daily basis. I can't find a new job, even as a factory worker (!!!), I'll get married in two years time and have a baby in that time and I'm not sure if I want it, but it's a wish of my boyfriend and... I'm not so estranged to the fact of having a baby, but I do not my kid to face what I had to face in my life. I read that people who faced or are facing trauma are more prone to get anxiety attacks. I was sexually abused as a child, I was 4, nothing graphic, nothing painful, but the fact that I was 4, the fact that sexually activity is done when you grow up, when you're mature, because it has a purpose to physically and spiritually join two people together, was just way too much for a 4 yo to handle and a lot of overwhelment happened with lots of anxiety and fear. Anyways, I'm kind of joining my story telling together now... So basicly I don't want my child to face anything I had to face and I don't want my child to have such a crazy mom, eventhough I have a lot to offer. I had to watch my mom (still watching) being on anti-depressants and her episodes of break downs from time to time. Nothing graphic, nothing scary, but lots of unsure things, especially when I was a child and didn't know what was happening to my mom. I didn't feel safe because of that.
I'm such a mess right now in my head, otherwise I make great compositions in which facts and important stuff are presented in order. I'll add just this one more bit: I'm an introvert, so I was never really sociable as a child. My peers turned on me, so the only time I spent with children my age was when I was playing with my cousin, otherwise I didn't go out. I was spending time with kids my age later in school, never went on the playground again, that's all, so my parents couldn't know that other things where in my life - abuse. I was depressed since by all standards children shouldn't be depressed yet, nor should they know what that means at all. So basicly what I'm thinking is that I've been psycholocially under pressure or not stable... Ever. Depression was going on for a long period, it never stopped. I heard I was depressed when we were talking about depression in school in 6th grade. I should also mention that I was suicidal since around 5th grade of elementary school.
So ok, those are my fears and life story written altogether. My question for you all or the ones who are going to read this is: how have you helped yourself feeling yourself after anxiety episodes? What do you do to lift your mood, serotonin levels? What was your experience with losing the sense of yourself and how long did it take you to get it back? Also if anyone has a familiar life experience or life story, what do you think?
And an extra question for those who have a familiar life story: is what I went through something that I can overcome and change my life story and is it something that can benefit my life experience altogether or am I a lost cause in the sense of being a normal functioning human being (is it something that can stop me on my way of being a successful person, good parent), whatever normal is?
Thank to you all, greetings from Slovenia,
Petra