My story (would LOVE some advice)

[AliCG]

Hey everyone, I'm new here and would love to share my story and hopefully gain some insight from you all.

I struggle with GAD that was underlying through childhood and exacerbated by a panic attack I had while smoking weed when I was 16.
Essentially I woke up the next morning in a depersonalized, anxious state and ended up in the ER because of it. Thankfully, I found an amazing book (At Last a Life by Paul David) that really helped me through my anxiety. All in all I would say my anxiety lasted around 6 months. The first two were absolutely brutal. I felt disconnected from everything and anxious all the time. By month 3 and 4 I was working a summer job and started to feel significantly better. I wasn't "normal" but I was also no longer constantly thinking about anxiety and worrying, it was a bit of limbo I guess. By the time I went back to school (month 5) I was almost 100%, I still wasn't completely myself and still thought about my anxiety but it was mostly gone. And by the time November hit I could genuinely say I was recovered.

In the three years since this experience I can honestly say that my life has expanded in more ways than I thought possible. It was like when I recovered from the severe anxiety the minimal GAD that I consistently had my whole life disappeared with it. I graduated, began college out of town, have an amazing boyfriend... literally my life was perfect and I knew that my journey through anxiety to the other side had made it that way...

Until 1.5 months ago

I made a really dumb decision, thought I was invincible and tried smoking weed again (the first time since my original panic attack, second time ever)

Immediately afterwards I felt anxious, I suddenly remembered how bad anxiety felt and the panic started. I kept it together, but inside I was worrying my anxiety was going to return full force again... I woke up the next morning feeling anxious with my mind racing- really it was a self-fulfilling prophecy moment.

To be honest my life has been total hell since then. I thought since I went through this before I would never have to do it again but I guess weed is just a major trigger for me. I do believe anxiety can be overcome naturally, but it's not an easy route. I know I've done this before but I still feel it's an impossible task. I just want my life back, and I can't help putting an immense amount of pressure on myself to get better. I also continuously compare how I'm feeling to how I felt last time and my thoughts are out of control- constantly thinking about how I should feel vs. how I really feel, if it's getting better or not etc.

Another weird thing is that I'm addicted to googling, last time this didn't happen because I didn't have an iphone or laptop but now I can't help myself from looking things up and trying to find the magic cure I know doesn't exist. I'm also doing CBT therapy. I think it helps in a way but I also feel like I just have too many things going on at the same time and maybe just need to ditch it all and try to live my life (essentially what happened last time)

It sucks because when this happened before I found Paul's method, followed it and didn't look back. But this time my brain is jumping from one solution to the next and I can't keep any of it straight...

I also talked to my friend at work who told me his anxiety was completely knocked out when he started on Lexapro, and that he feels 100% back to his normal self with minimal side effects- which almost seems too good to be true but has me super tempted to try medication, especially since I seem to be depressed this time around along with the anxiety.

I also have a ton more anxiety-producing things in my life. My 20th birthday is tomorrow and honestly the way I feel now, I literally keep forgetting it's even happening, then I'll remember and just feel anxious about the fact that I'm less than excited.

My boyfriend leaves for his college town on Thursday and I'm super anxious about that since he's been a bit of a safety net for me and now I won't see him for a few months.

Finally, in a week I have to move back to my college town and although I think it will be good for me in the long run I'm very concerned about the adjustment and how this will affect my studies.

I seriously just don't know what to do, my options seem to be:
1. follow Paul's method (which has not been going well so far but has worked in the past)
2. Try medication and risk getting worse, having side effects, and possibly spending months trying to find the right fit for me
3. Give up and stay in bed forever (I know this isn't a real option it's just what I want right now)

And insight would be appreciated, I guess the hard part is it's hard to find success stories with either method since those people move on with their lives (I know once I recovered I never posted my story on any forums or anything- not because I was afraid to or didn't want to but simply because I didn't think to as my life didn't revolve around anxiety)

ACK IM SO CONFUSED

[unknownme]

If you ever feel like talking, chat me up. You're not alone in this